Tag Archives: Body Image

Dear Closet Chubby Chasers… Go Away!

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This weekend I logged onto my facebook page and I was like…

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Some dude had liked my page, left a whole bunch of comments and then started sending me private flirtatious messages asking me to call him. He even left his phone number! One of the awkward parts about being a plus size blogger, is that the pages I create to keep in touch with my PSP’s sometimes get infiltrated by creepy men. As I went to click the “block” button, I realized something. This guy was carefully perusing my photos and posts, but his facebook profile was locked down like Fort Knox. He had no photos and his name was listed as “Jamal Jamal”.

Isn’t it fascinating how men love to divulge their attraction to big women when hidden behind the veil anonymity?

The same thing used to happen to me when I was doing online dating. I’d have messages from men telling me how hot I was, but they had no photos, no profile info, nothing! Of course these men expected me to fall all over myself because they were giving me attention, but when I’d ask them to reveal their identities and send me a photo… Chubby Chaser HidingChubby Chaser HidingChubby Chaser Hiding

I am so sick and tired of men who are passionate about their “love for big women” but ashamed for anyone to know about it. The closet chubby chasers… the bbw fetish guys… the “come hook up with me in my dorm room but don’t talk to me in public” dudes… What is your problem?! Its hard enough maintaining confidence as a big girl without having to deal with your insecurities about your attraction to me. Telling a girl she’s pretty while refusing to be seen with her in public is a form of body shaming. Get out of here with that nonsense, please!

But here’s the deal… as much as I want all closet chubby chasers to go away, I can’t ignore the role that Plus Size Princesses play in making the “Jamal Jamal’s” of the world think its okay to keep us as a dirty little secret.

It’s up to us as big women not to settle for the guy who only wants to sleep with us but wont introduce us to his friends.

It’s our job not to let ourselves get sucked in by flattery from blank/anonymous profiles.

It’s our responsibility to think highly of ourselves and hold ourselves to a higher standard.

These closet chubby chasers do hurtful/shameful things to big girls because we let them. If we all banded together and said, no… we refuse to be your midnight girlfriend/pillow buddy/anonymous pen pal, then maybe… just maybe guys would cut it out. I know sometimes its hard and it feels good to have male attention, but if a guy can’t even show me his face as he tells me how beautiful I am, his words mean nothing to me. I’m going to block all closet chubby chasers and I encourage all of you to do the same…

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My Weight Makes me Uncomfortable on Dates | Curvy Conversations | Plus Size Dating

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Hey Cece!  

I am one of your biggest fans, I’m from Nairobi Kenya not sure if that rings a bell but anyhoo, I LOOOOVEEE you, your work i.e. your writing, and your #PSPfit….basically everything about you!
My question was kinda personal which is why I decided to email you directly. I’ve always felt self conscious about how much ‘wider’ I was compared to the dudes I liked and even went out with! Much like you, I also want to feel like a little bird with a guy or at the very least have him tower over me…I remember once I was on a movie date and I felt sooo awful because my ‘sides’ spilled over into his seat as well..and I remember being so sad and tense that I could hardly enjoy the movie!
 
Have you ever had this issue i.e. feeling self conscious in particular scenarios e.g. car rides, movie dates etc, where suddenly you were confronted with your size in comparison? Sigh I dont want this to ruin the next and final relationship…how does one ‘feel’ small or just get over this kind of reality? Hope I’m making sense….
 
Thanks loads for your time CeCe..you’re one of my imaginary mentors in my head! Lol
Hey Miss,
You are too sweet… I decided to answer your letter in a YouTube video. We all know that plus size dating can be frustrating, so even though you’re wrestling with some things I think its great that you’re putting yourself out there.

My main suggestion to you is to try and look at yourself as a total package. Guys are asking you out because they see something in you that’s special. We all have flaws, some more visible than others, but its up to us not to get so hung up on our flaws that we block the good things/people coming our way.

With Robert I feel more and more like a “little bird” with him because I let my guard down and open up. But it doesn’t come easy, but I have a feeling from your vivacious email that you can do it!

xoxo,

CeCe

p.s. Does anyone else have advice for our friend from Nairobi?

p.p.s Registration for the #PSPfit Pre-Summer Clean Eating/Fitness Bootcamp opens on April 10th. Registration closes April 20th, pre register at www.PSPfit.com for registration info, discount codes and membership giveaways! Questions? Email fitness@thebiggirlblog.com

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Putting Insecurities in the Back Seat…

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Remember when I started this blog and I was anonymous?

So many of you knew every detail of my life and didn’t know what I looked like. I even had a twitter troll accuse me of not really being plus size because I didn’t show photos. A few bloggers had to vouch for me by tweeting that they had met me and I was indeed a plus size woman.

Many people found it odd that I didn’t post my photos, but being anonymous was a huge security blanket knitted out of fear. I felt like I could never openly discuss my weight AND have my picture attached to my inner most thoughts and insecurities.

CeCe Olisa Plus Size Fashion Blog

But over time something interesting happened. Talking about my insecurities openly with you girls gave my insecurities less power. I faced them head on and realized that I was giving my body image issues a front seat as I navigated through life. As I slowly pushed my insecurities to the back seat (and some to the trunk) they didn’t rule my life anymore and my life became more full of lovely people and experiences.

Those of you who read this blog have been instrumental in making me more comfortable in my own skin. I still have a lot of growing to do, but when I came across this YouTube video from January I had to laugh 1.) because my friends are funny and 2.) because two years ago I would have NEVER even made a video like this. Its a silly, fun video, not too deep but its a huge confidence accomplishment for me that I even made it.

Making YouTube videos… sharing outfit photos… not covering my arms… asking Robert if he liked me… these are all things I didn’t think I could/would ever do, but as I grow up I’m realizing that life is much more fun when I stop holding myself back with my fears and insecurities.

Do you ever have little things in your life that might seem mundane to someone else, but you know they are huge accomplishments for you?

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A Big Girl and Her Cardigans…

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A few years ago I was sitting in church, when one of the deacons daughters climbed into the pew in front of me. I love talking to kids, so having a 10 minute conversation with a seven year old isn’t a big deal to me. We began chatting about school, her teacher and her friends; then she looked at me,

“I like your dress,” she said putting her hands underneath her chin.

“Oh, thank you” I smiled.

“You wear THOSE a lot,” she observed pointing at my cardigan sweater.

I paused (man, little people really pay attention to everything!)

“You’re right, I do! I actually have one in every color… kinda crazy, right?” I laughed. She laughed and then we went back to discussing her playground dramas.

I got home and peeked into my closet, there on the hangers was all the proof I needed. Clearly, I had a very intense cardigan sweater addiction passion.

Back when I refused to show my arms, cardigans were the answer to all of my sleeveless/strapless dress problems. I also felt like the draping of my cardigans hid my tummy and love handles well when I was wearing jeans. I found myself making regular shopping trips for $20 cardigans and my collection of colorful cardigans grew and grew overtime. Cardigans became a staple in my wardrobe. Cardigans became a comfort blanket in my closet, a piece of clothing that made me feel like the jiggly parts of my body were hidden.

cardigan

You can scoop up my polka dot dress here

I knew I had a cardigan addiction when I tried to throw a button down cardi over a freakum dress. (Girl, bye!)

I knew I had a cardigan addiction when I refused to take my cardi off while waiting for the train in the hot, humid subway station one summer. (*faints*)

I knew I had a cardigan addiction when I brought a cardi to wear over a strapless bridesmaids “in case it got cold” in the middle of July. (Um, no.)

Breaking my cardigan addiction meant I had to address the real reason I was wearing them constantly. I was wearing cardigans to hide my body and it was getting out of hand. Cardigans had gone from making me a little more comfortable, to dictating what I would/wouldn’t wear. They went from give me a confidence boost to holding me back. I had to take control of my own body image. Let’s be honest, all of the cardigans in the world would not change my size or weight. (read more on that in “You Can’t Hide the Fat“)

Slowly overtime I’ve put cardigans in their proper place in my wardrobe. I wear them a lot for work because its cold in my office and it helps me transition some of my more casual dresses into work wear. You’ll notice a lot of cardigans in my twerking Vlog below because I was hanging out in my work clothes, but on weekends and when I’m out at night, I have a “no cardis allowed” rule that keeps me from getting too dependent on my old comfort blanket.

I had to throw cardigans and shrugs out the window along with “black is slimming” and other nonsense that I convinced myself of. Maybe next month, I’ll try to do 30 days with no cardigans at all, just to be sure I’ve really kicked the habit.

Do you wear a lot of cardians or have a different kind of “fashion comfort blanket” that makes you feel like your trouble spots are hidden?

Oh, and check out this weeks PSP in NYC Vlog :-)

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Does Our Weight Affect Our Friendships? | Being Mary Jane Big Girl Recap

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I couldn’t give Being Mary Jane two hours of my time yesterday, so I just finished watching the second half of the finale tonight. If you don’t watch the show, I’ll give you a quick recap.

Wait– are you judging me for watching it? *blush*

All you need to know is that Mary Jane’s ex boyfriend found out that she stole his semen and froze it in the hopes of getting pregnant via turkey baster. (omg, you really are judging me for watching this show, aren’t you?)

Being Mary Jane Big Girl

Anyway, Mary Jane accuses her plus size friend, Nichelle (played by Brely Evans) of being the one who told him. As they argue back and forth, Nichelle says something interesting

“What I am to you is a non-threatening, big jolly girl you call when you want to have a good time and make you feel better about yourself!”

We focus so much about how being a Plus Size Princess affects our dating relationships, but what about our platonic female friendships? I’ve written this post about friends who gave me backwards compliments. I’ve written this post about my friends letting their boyfriends sleep at my house alone (cause who would cheat with a big girl??)

During #PSPfit bootcamp we talk about what its like to lose weight and how some skinny friends aren’t as eager to go out with you when you’re not the big girl anymore.

All of these things are easy to discuss after the fact, I think about some girls I was cool with in college; they would come to my dorm with boyfriend problems, call me to see if I wanted to do a late night ice-cream run, but on a Friday night when it was time to turn up at the club and meet guys, I was rarely invited. For those people I was always the maternal figure, the good listening ear… the one they called when they wanted to talk through problems, but not the one they called for a fun girls night out.

Do some people keep us around to make themselves feel better?

When I left college, I still had relationships where I wondered if I wasn’t fully embraced as a friend because of my weight. Those girls were the ones who carefully explained that Robert probably wasn’t attracted to me when I was in the grey area with him.

The good thing is, just like a character on a show can be recast, we can recast the friends in our lives who aren’t good for us. Friendships are so much more nuanced than romantic relationships, but they can be just as frustrating and painful. I think its important for us to talk about how plus size women can demand the best in any relationship we have.

Thoughts??

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The ONE Time I Decided to Settle… a Cautionary Tale | Plus Size Dating | Relationships

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A few weeks ago I posted an email on my instagram from a guy I used to date.

I was trying to see if you are free. Nowadays you look HOT. Do you want to hang out tomorrow?

Plus Size Dating Low Self Esteem

Wait– did this guy really say “nowadays”??

I swear to you, if I could erase one guy from my dating history it would be Elliott.

I dated Elliott when I was in a very bad place regarding my body image and self esteem. For a few months I convinced myself that maybe as a fat girl I should just “take what I could get” dating-wise. Elliott is what happened to me when I subscribed to that thinking. He was rude, had an awkward kissing style personality and said hurtful things to me constantly.

Like the time he whispered “You know, if you lost weight you’d be REALLY hot” right before he tried to stab me in the mouth with his pointy tongue…

*blank stare*

I went on four painful dates with Elliott until the day I decided that if he was the best I could get, I’d rather be alone.

Unfortunately, my biggest dating mistake is like a cockroach that won’t die. Although I dated him years ago, Elliott reaches out to me every 4-6 months to see “what’s up”. I’ve done everything I could to block him from my life, including lying and telling him that I was engaged and moving out of the country, which seemed to have worked until… he discovered my blog (thanks, internet!).

Hearing from Elliott last month reminded me of what the universe handed me when I decided I would take anything.

#NoThankYou

Its Valentines week and whether we have a boyfriend, a girlfriend or we’re flying solo, this is a good time for us to start thinking about the love we have for ourselves and how that affects our relationships.

Do me a favor: take a moment and think about your worst dating situation… how did you feel about yourself when that relationship came to be?

When I’m in a good place, I attract good people… when I’m in a bad place? I get the “nowadays” dude who couldn’t even kiss me properly. Looking back, I can trace my dating steps and see that as I went back to loving myself and embracing my value as a person (at any size) the quality of guys that I dated began to improve again. It wasn’t immediate… there was a lot of “single CeCe” time in there too, but as I’ve said before the single time made me into the independent girl that Robert loves.

Have you ever dated someone who was just whack? Do you think it was connected to how you felt about yourself at the time?

p.s. my favorite valentines post is called “I Haven’t Changed” if you/you’re girlfriends are feeling frustrated this Vday, you might want to check that post out too

p.p.s. Don’t forget I’m hosting an event this Saturday, hope to see you there… you can register here

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