Sometimes curvy girls need to talk things out with girls who get what we’re going through. Email me your questions and I’ll answer them as fast as I can!

Dear Closet Chubby Chasers… Go Away!

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This weekend I logged onto my facebook page and I was like…

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Some dude had liked my page, left a whole bunch of comments and then started sending me private flirtatious messages asking me to call him. He even left his phone number! One of the awkward parts about being a plus size blogger, is that the pages I create to keep in touch with my PSP’s sometimes get infiltrated by creepy men. As I went to click the “block” button, I realized something. This guy was carefully perusing my photos and posts, but his facebook profile was locked down like Fort Knox. He had no photos and his name was listed as “Jamal Jamal”.

Isn’t it fascinating how men love to divulge their attraction to big women when hidden behind the veil anonymity?

The same thing used to happen to me when I was doing online dating. I’d have messages from men telling me how hot I was, but they had no photos, no profile info, nothing! Of course these men expected me to fall all over myself because they were giving me attention, but when I’d ask them to reveal their identities and send me a photo… Chubby Chaser HidingChubby Chaser HidingChubby Chaser Hiding

I am so sick and tired of men who are passionate about their “love for big women” but ashamed for anyone to know about it. The closet chubby chasers… the bbw fetish guys… the “come hook up with me in my dorm room but don’t talk to me in public” dudes… What is your problem?! Its hard enough maintaining confidence as a big girl without having to deal with your insecurities about your attraction to me. Telling a girl she’s pretty while refusing to be seen with her in public is a form of body shaming. Get out of here with that nonsense, please!

But here’s the deal… as much as I want all closet chubby chasers to go away, I can’t ignore the role that Plus Size Princesses play in making the “Jamal Jamal’s” of the world think its okay to keep us as a dirty little secret.

It’s up to us as big women not to settle for the guy who only wants to sleep with us but wont introduce us to his friends.

It’s our job not to let ourselves get sucked in by flattery from blank/anonymous profiles.

It’s our responsibility to think highly of ourselves and hold ourselves to a higher standard.

These closet chubby chasers do hurtful/shameful things to big girls because we let them. If we all banded together and said, no… we refuse to be your midnight girlfriend/pillow buddy/anonymous pen pal, then maybe… just maybe guys would cut it out. I know sometimes its hard and it feels good to have male attention, but if a guy can’t even show me his face as he tells me how beautiful I am, his words mean nothing to me. I’m going to block all closet chubby chasers and I encourage all of you to do the same…

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My Weight Makes me Uncomfortable on Dates | Curvy Conversations | Plus Size Dating

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Hey Cece!  

I am one of your biggest fans, I’m from Nairobi Kenya not sure if that rings a bell but anyhoo, I LOOOOVEEE you, your work i.e. your writing, and your #PSPfit….basically everything about you!
My question was kinda personal which is why I decided to email you directly. I’ve always felt self conscious about how much ‘wider’ I was compared to the dudes I liked and even went out with! Much like you, I also want to feel like a little bird with a guy or at the very least have him tower over me…I remember once I was on a movie date and I felt sooo awful because my ‘sides’ spilled over into his seat as well..and I remember being so sad and tense that I could hardly enjoy the movie!
 
Have you ever had this issue i.e. feeling self conscious in particular scenarios e.g. car rides, movie dates etc, where suddenly you were confronted with your size in comparison? Sigh I dont want this to ruin the next and final relationship…how does one ‘feel’ small or just get over this kind of reality? Hope I’m making sense….
 
Thanks loads for your time CeCe..you’re one of my imaginary mentors in my head! Lol
Hey Miss,
You are too sweet… I decided to answer your letter in a YouTube video. We all know that plus size dating can be frustrating, so even though you’re wrestling with some things I think its great that you’re putting yourself out there.

My main suggestion to you is to try and look at yourself as a total package. Guys are asking you out because they see something in you that’s special. We all have flaws, some more visible than others, but its up to us not to get so hung up on our flaws that we block the good things/people coming our way.

With Robert I feel more and more like a “little bird” with him because I let my guard down and open up. But it doesn’t come easy, but I have a feeling from your vivacious email that you can do it!

xoxo,

CeCe

p.s. Does anyone else have advice for our friend from Nairobi?

p.p.s Registration for the #PSPfit Pre-Summer Clean Eating/Fitness Bootcamp opens on April 10th. Registration closes April 20th, pre register at www.PSPfit.com for registration info, discount codes and membership giveaways! Questions? Email fitness@thebiggirlblog.com

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Does Our Weight Affect Our Friendships? | Being Mary Jane Big Girl Recap

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I couldn’t give Being Mary Jane two hours of my time yesterday, so I just finished watching the second half of the finale tonight. If you don’t watch the show, I’ll give you a quick recap.

Wait– are you judging me for watching it? *blush*

All you need to know is that Mary Jane’s ex boyfriend found out that she stole his semen and froze it in the hopes of getting pregnant via turkey baster. (omg, you really are judging me for watching this show, aren’t you?)

Being Mary Jane Big Girl

Anyway, Mary Jane accuses her plus size friend, Nichelle (played by Brely Evans) of being the one who told him. As they argue back and forth, Nichelle says something interesting

“What I am to you is a non-threatening, big jolly girl you call when you want to have a good time and make you feel better about yourself!”

We focus so much about how being a Plus Size Princess affects our dating relationships, but what about our platonic female friendships? I’ve written this post about friends who gave me backwards compliments. I’ve written this post about my friends letting their boyfriends sleep at my house alone (cause who would cheat with a big girl??)

During #PSPfit bootcamp we talk about what its like to lose weight and how some skinny friends aren’t as eager to go out with you when you’re not the big girl anymore.

All of these things are easy to discuss after the fact, I think about some girls I was cool with in college; they would come to my dorm with boyfriend problems, call me to see if I wanted to do a late night ice-cream run, but on a Friday night when it was time to turn up at the club and meet guys, I was rarely invited. For those people I was always the maternal figure, the good listening ear… the one they called when they wanted to talk through problems, but not the one they called for a fun girls night out.

Do some people keep us around to make themselves feel better?

When I left college, I still had relationships where I wondered if I wasn’t fully embraced as a friend because of my weight. Those girls were the ones who carefully explained that Robert probably wasn’t attracted to me when I was in the grey area with him.

The good thing is, just like a character on a show can be recast, we can recast the friends in our lives who aren’t good for us. Friendships are so much more nuanced than romantic relationships, but they can be just as frustrating and painful. I think its important for us to talk about how plus size women can demand the best in any relationship we have.

Thoughts??

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Plus Size Yoga Tips + Curvy Yoga Party Video

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One of the things Keisa, our Yoga instructor said during the Curvy Yoga Party was that “everyone needs some type of modification”. It was nice to hear that because, sometimes in yoga classes its easy to feel like being plus size is keeping me from being able to hit certain poses, so it was good to be reminded that all bodies are different and that’s okay! Asking for modifications is something that people of all sizes need to do, so I’m going to try and be less shy about things like that.

CeCe Olisa #PSPfit Yoga Curvy NYC.jpg

We also discussed Yoga Blocks and how they can be used to extend your stretches and poses to make you more flexible. If your hands don’t touch the ground use Yoga Blocks in any position to “bring the ground to your hands”!

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 (Photo via ashtamangala.net)

Thank you to everyone who came out for Yoga & Curvy Conversations on Saturday!

A special thank you to all of the #PSPfit girls who bought/donated tickets to girls who couldn’t afford the class… you ladies never cease to amaze me with your open and generous spirits.

I love throwing events and meeting you girls and it was so exciting to watch PSP’s taking their very first yoga class, learning modifications for our bodies and of course having our “Curvy Conversations” at the end was icing on the cake.

CeCe Olisa #PSPfit Plus Size Yoga NYC.jpg

I’ve got a quick 5 minute Vlog recap of the day below + an extended live stream of the class. If you’re looking for plus size yoga tips, there are some gems in the live stream. If you want to be inspired, watch the NYC PSPs ROCKING our yoga session. We’ve got this ladies!

If you’re interested in joining us for curvy workouts (in NYC or other cities), make sure you register for updates at www.PSPfit.com

xoxo

Quick Five Menute Recap:

Extended Live Stream + Full Class:

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Should I Let my Boyfriend Sleep With Someone Else? | Curvy Convo | Dating

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Reminder, if you’re interested in taking a Yoga class with me followed by some curvy girl talk, I’m doing a Yoga & Curvy Conversations event in NYC on Feb 15th, register here!

Here’s todays CurvyConvo question:

Hi CeCe!

I’m in a loving relationship with my man for about 4 years now. But now and then, we get a little bored so we’ve decided to do a controlled “experiment.” He and I can both sleep with one person off Tinder (the dating app!) with the caveat that we need to sign off on each other’s person. 

Tinder is interesting actually. Have you ever tried the app? What do you think? Is this a recipe for disaster? I already feel a little guilty when I attempt to contact men off Tinder.  

-Anonymous

Hi Anonymous,

Here are some things to ask yourself:

1.) Should I look for excitement inside of my relationship or outside of it?

2.) What if I don’t like this “experiment” and my boyfriend loves it?

3.) Why am I trying to save my relationship by doing things that make me feel guilty?

4.) Am I happy? Am I fulfilled? Is this the relationship for me?

5.) Do I want to be with someone who doesn’t mind me sleeping with someone else?

I’ve elaborated a bit more in this video response, I hope its helpful to you!

Side Note– for single girls looking for new dating apps to try: Yes, I have heard good things about Tinder and the other swipe-quickly app, TryHotorNot which is a new take on the old time-killing site that people were obsessed with a few years back. Robert would kill me if I signed up, so if you’re on either of these new sites let me know how it goes for you ;-)

…thoughts? What advice do you have for our girl?

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

curvy convo cece olisa cheating

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Getting Out of Our Comfort Zones | Thank You

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Can we talk a little bit about comfort zones today?

On the way home last night, I began thinking about what it takes to get out of your comfort zone. If you’ve been reading my blog for a while, you’ve seen me push myself out of my comfort zone a few times.

1.) Starting this blog and putting all of my insecurities on the table. Being plus size in NYC can be frustrating and painful. But this site gave me a safe space to talk about plus size night clubs, my thighs rubbing together and online dating horror stories with people who “get it”.

2.) When I finally took the plunge and asked Robert if he liked me. I know some of you were like “FINALLY!” when that happened *blush*

3.) When I stopped being anonymous and started sharing my plus size fashion photos/videos on the blog. I know that seems like an easy task, but being anonymous was a very safe space for me and I had to learn how to continue to be vulnerable with you guys once my photo was attached.

4.) When I lost 55 pounds and started our #PSPfit virtual clean eating/fitness boot camps

None of the moments were easy for me, in fact I spent lots of time with that anxious feeling in the pit of my stomach. But, I swear I’ve never regretted pushing past my comfort zone. Even if things didn’t go my way, pushing past my comfort zone gives me clarity and/or closure on things in my life so that I can keep holding on or let them go as needed.

As I grow up, I can look back and see that many of the things I hold dear today are because somewhere along the line I took a chance. Even in something as simple as yesterdays post, many of the comments were about the “side plank” photo I used at the end– if I had stayed comfortably anonymous, that part of the post would have never happened.

I know for a fact that life and growth sits just beyond my comfort zone and doing the things that scare me are what propels me forward. The tricky part is getting over the discomfort and taking those leaps. I know its a little late for new years resolutions, but I wonder if I need to put “Get Out of Your Comfort Zone” at the top of my to-do list. I’m sure there are many moments big and small that I let pass me by because I’m uncomfortable… thoughts?

Have you had a chance to push past your comfort zone? or are you considering pushing past it?

P.S. I am so grateful to everyone who tweeted and shared my plus size yoga story… because of you the post was picked up by the Huffington Post, BlogHer and Refinery29… THANK YOU!! xoxo

wherethemagichappens

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