My Weight Makes me Uncomfortable on Dates | Curvy Conversations | Plus Size Dating

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Hey Cece!  

I am one of your biggest fans, I’m from Nairobi Kenya not sure if that rings a bell but anyhoo, I LOOOOVEEE you, your work i.e. your writing, and your #PSPfit….basically everything about you!
My question was kinda personal which is why I decided to email you directly. I’ve always felt self conscious about how much ‘wider’ I was compared to the dudes I liked and even went out with! Much like you, I also want to feel like a little bird with a guy or at the very least have him tower over me…I remember once I was on a movie date and I felt sooo awful because my ‘sides’ spilled over into his seat as well..and I remember being so sad and tense that I could hardly enjoy the movie!
 
Have you ever had this issue i.e. feeling self conscious in particular scenarios e.g. car rides, movie dates etc, where suddenly you were confronted with your size in comparison? Sigh I dont want this to ruin the next and final relationship…how does one ‘feel’ small or just get over this kind of reality? Hope I’m making sense….
 
Thanks loads for your time CeCe..you’re one of my imaginary mentors in my head! Lol
Hey Miss,
You are too sweet… I decided to answer your letter in a YouTube video. We all know that plus size dating can be frustrating, so even though you’re wrestling with some things I think its great that you’re putting yourself out there.

My main suggestion to you is to try and look at yourself as a total package. Guys are asking you out because they see something in you that’s special. We all have flaws, some more visible than others, but its up to us not to get so hung up on our flaws that we block the good things/people coming our way.

With Robert I feel more and more like a “little bird” with him because I let my guard down and open up. But it doesn’t come easy, but I have a feeling from your vivacious email that you can do it!

xoxo,

CeCe

p.s. Does anyone else have advice for our friend from Nairobi?

p.p.s Registration for the #PSPfit Pre-Summer Clean Eating/Fitness Bootcamp opens on April 10th. Registration closes April 20th, pre register at www.PSPfit.com for registration info, discount codes and membership giveaways! Questions? Email fitness@thebiggirlblog.com

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  • Mary

    First of all, Cece, your eye makeup is AWESOME. My eyes are kind of deep set and I am always looking for a way to brighten them up. Frequently, more makeup = dark pits of despair. Could you share?
    Secondly, re: Ms. Nairobi, I agree with everything you said. If a man wants to spend time with you, it isn’t because of your flaws. It might be your sense of humour or your paycheck, but it isn’t because you didn’t make the cut. Also, ALL girls are fat, especially compared to boys. If they are into girls at all, they want that soft. Some want more or less than others. Thirdly, maybe little bird is the wrong image. Maybe you should hold in your head the image of an abundance of treasure? Or noble beauty, like those statues holding up the Parthenon? I once dated a guy who was so handsome heads would turn when we walked into a restaurant. He was so good looking. After a while I noticed that the only women who caught his eye were all tall, like 5’9″ or taller. I remember one was an older Asian woman, at least 300lbs, one was an African woman with a 60′s straightened do a la the Supremes, and one was a big Germanic punk with a crew cut. Other than height, and a certain calm serenity, I couldn’t see any other common factor. Since I’m barely 5’3″, messy and kind of irritable, it kind of sucked, but there you are.

    • thebiggirlblog

      I’ve been thinking about doing an eye makeup tutorial, I’ll see what I can cook up.

  • Tegan

    I can totally understand the feelings that Ms Nairobi is expressing… Flying terrifies me for this exact reason! Stuck in close quarters where you size is completely obvious is mortifying.

    But back to the dating, when I was younger (I’m 24 now) I was terrified of dating… And to make things worse for me the first boy I ever dated was training to be a professional athlete… So you can imagine the looks when we went anywhere… An incredibly good looking athlete with a plus size girl on his arm (and I am on the heavier end!)… Every time we would go out my awareness of people looking at me would go through the roof.. One girl even cruelly commented once, practically snorting and inferring that my boyfriend must be – and I quote “into all sorts of weird sh*t to sleep with a whale like that!”… As you can imagine that absolutely shattered the slight amount of confidence I had left and really affected our relationship.. I never wanted to go out… I became self conscious in the bedroom and ended up pushing him away… No matter how much he told me that I was beautiful and not to pay them any mind… It eventually was a big part of our end..

    Anyway (sorry for the long story – but it helps you understand me!) I realised as I grew up and figured myself out, dated a few more boys and got more comfortable with myself, that I needed to deal with my own issues about how I saw myself before I could put myself back out there for someone else.. and whilst these these issues still play havoc with my mind (I’m also incredibly clumsy so that doesn’t help) I have learned to look at my positives and deal with the issues head on… I try to laugh about them, be comfortable with them instead of letting my flaws hold me back… I mean there is something he likes about me or I wouldn’t be here, right?

    Play to your strengths and always remember that there is beauty in everybody… and if he’s out with you – he can obviously see yours :)

    I hope that helps!

    • thebiggirlblog

      *sigh* I’m so sorry that girl spoke about you like that… I LOVE that you said “I needed to deal with my own issues about how I saw myself before I could put myself back out there for someone else” that is the hard work that many of us shy away from… xoxo

  • Nikkilynn

    Cece, you have given really great advice! Focusing on the small things (that, ultimately, don’t matter) can drive a person crazy.
    I’d also like to add this for the lovely woman from Nairobi. I completely understand your concern, and I have it too. One practical piece of advice: Stop going to movie theaters where the seats are too small! It makes sense that you were focused on your body; the seats made you uncomfortable. So, go out on dates to places where you know you’ll be physically comfortable.

    On a person note: I’m a plus-sized woman, living in Turkey (most of my dresses are XXL and XXXL). When I first moved here I was really self-conscious about my weight. I met a man who is much smaller than I am, and I was reluctant to go out with him I kept thinking to myself, “Why would this handsome man want to date me? I have huge thighs and a big butt!” I became obsessed with this. I finally gathered my courage and asked him. He said, “Because you’re a happy person. You’re smart and funny and strong. You were like that when I first met you. That’s why I like you now.”
    You would think this is the end of the story, but it isn’t. Like many have said here before, I had to more lessons to learn: I had to believe that he was being honest and I had to take it into my heart that he liked me. So, I still had my doubts. But one day, I was walking in the city for an afternoon appointment. When I was downtown, I stopped to look at the people around me. I saw thin men with plus-sized women, and thin women with plus-sized men. I also saw a man with a huge scars on his faces walking hand-in-hand with a lovely woman. And I saw a woman with huge, frizzy, mistake of a perm, walking down the street with a smile on her face and a nice looking man on her arm. I saw many types of people together. And I realized that I am no different from them. They are enjoying love and happiness and I deserve to be happy and loved too. This is when I reached a point of peace with myself.
    And you will too. Take into your heart this phrase: “I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and dammit, people like me.” I took that from a TV show here in America, but it’s true. Look around you and realize that you’re just as lovely as any model on a billboard. You’re beautiful inside and out.

  • Mara

    Loved your advice and love this community that can ask questions like that and get these great responses. Thanks to everyone who is sharing.
    I am ‘significantly’ older now and married but I was terrified of dating in my younger years. I was always plus size and the indoctrination of hating my body started young – even my mother “boys only look at skinny girls.” – yeah she really was a gem for my self esteem. Needless to say I hid out during highschool inside my books, same with university. By that time it was easier just not to get involved – I had sort of given up on trying to complete myself with someone else so I think I did unconsciously what @tegan did consciously – I worked on my own issues and had to start loving myself to create a life I wanted.
    When I met my husband it was just right – we met online when only the nerds and geeks were on the internet (that’s us!). It took me a while to trust that he really was interested in me ‘that way’ but when I opened up I fell head over heels. He loves all my curves and hangy bits and love the big teddybear (I can feel like a little bird too because he’s a foot taller and outweighs me by at least 100lb).
    I’m sure we get looks when we go out – but age (hopefully some wisdom) has tempered me and I simply don’t care about what other’s think of me because I love and am loved.

  • siamesesunday

    Cece, loved this topic and your response so much, especially the part about embracing this person who is clearly embracing all of you. Last summer I started dating a guy who I outweighed by 15 or so pounds. I was actually down almost a hundred pounds from my highest weight at that point, but still had major body insecurities. I (gently) refused to be naked in front of him. Saggy skin, stretch marks, and chubby thighs were all I saw when I looked in the mirror. For as long as I live, I will cherish the gift he gave to me by LOVING all of me – the way he marveled at how far I had come in my weight loss journey, his love of my body, and support of the emotional toll it had all taken on me. His complete acceptance of my body helped ME get there. I don’t look in the mirror and see only my flaws (I still SEE them) but I’ve learned to see all the lovely bits and pieces as well. I even got to the point of being comfortable naked in front of ME first (and to his happiness, him as well). I’ve continued to lose weight and now weigh less than him by 25 pounds but I know that in his eyes, I’m no more or no less than the girl he started dating last summer. When someone is deserving of you, their love certainly helps quiet your doubts and self criticisms. I’m not trying to say that everyone needs to find their self acceptance within someone else’s eyes. But having someone championing you and believing in THEM just might help you start believing in and recognizing the positives within. XoXo

  • Amber

    I totally understand where this beautiful lady is coming from. I am married, and have been for a year and a half. We first met when I was 21 or so. Back then, I was 175 and super cute. I was still self conscious because that’s not a “normal” weight for that age and height (I was 5’5″) and my tummy has never been flat. Anyway, now I am 5’7″ or so and currently weigh around 250! It’s the biggest I’ve ever been and I’m even more conscious of it now. I’ve noticed I don’t really pay attention to it when we touch while sitting next to each other, because I just don’t. But I do notice and get a little embarrassed when I’m sitting in a booth at a restaurant and my tummy touches the table, or if we are with family and they want to take pictures. I avoid pictures at any cost, because once I see them, I’m thrown into a pretty deep depression and I start fighting with my husband because “how could he love me, when I look like I do?!” All those things are easily let go though. The one time I have a really hard time letting things go is when we get intimate. I’m comfortable enough to wear lingerie and even to be seen by him, but when things get steamy, I have actually stopped our fun at times, because I noticed something jiggling on me. Almost everything else I can write off as knowing that he loves me. He’s not ashamed of me, and he even thinks I’m hot. Those big time boost my self esteem, but there are still the dark times when I see pics of myself, or when I feel something jiggle. I always try to remind myself that he loves me, and he is attracted to me, and most of the time it helps. Just remember when dating, they asked you out for a reason. If they aren’t calling for a late night hook up or trying to hide you from friends and family, it doesn’t matter to them, and shouldn’t matter to you either. I haven’t seen a pic of you or what you look like, but I know you are beautiful! Just because you have some extra curves means nothing. You are beautiful and the guys asking you out see that.

  • Danielle F

    My current boyfriend is the first guy i’ve dated who had bigger hands than me… such a small thing but being a big girl, all my parts are big including my hands. Holding his hand, I feel like a ‘little bird’ and ive never felt that way. forget that fact that my wrists are huge and my fingers look like mini-sausages… all he can see is that mu hand fits perfectly in his hand and that they are super soft. My hand in his hand, I feel safe and protected and I forget all the bigger things that are on my body.

  • Lynn

    Be you at the end of the day that is the only thing you can be perfect at. If they ask you out they are aware of your body probably more than you realize and are ok with dare I say appreciative of your full feminine form. Embrace you and love you others will follow your lead!