Dating Big Men… Thoughts??? (Part One)

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“You’re such a cute little thing,” James said, as he draped his arms around me in line at the movies.

A week later we were walking across 23rd street holding hands. When we stopped at a red light, he tugged me until I was nestled against his side, his hand wrapped tightly around my waist he leaned down and kissed me behind the ear. “You’re a sexy little thing, aren’t you?”

Dating James was the first time in life I’d ever been called “little”. I’m a 5’10 Plus Size Princess who weighs *mumbles* pounds and I’ve been this way since I was 12, so when James would constantly refer to me as little, I thought he being sarcastic or making a joke about me. But then I realized, I was dating a semi-professional football player who was 6’3 and 345 pounds. I’d dated tall/skinny guys before, but James was larger than me in every way and when he pulled me close I did feel somewhat small… tiny, even!

…and I loved every minute of it!

Unfortunately James didn’t have his life together, so he never seemed worth blogging about, until last night when I started thinking about the ongoing conversation that happens every time a Plus Size Princess says that she prefers a certain “type” of man.

I’ve mentioned here that I usually date guys with a basketball or baseball players build. I’ve written posts about dating a big man and feeling guilty because I wasn’t attracted to him. I often get comments/emails/tweets from people chastising me for not dating big men, so I thought I’d open up the conversation here… feel free to share your thoughts in the comments, I’ll share a few of mine:

1.) I’m always fascinated when PSP’s are forced to justify who they are attracted to. It just perpetuates the myth that +size women don’t “deserve” to be with certain types of people. (see: “Superficial Fat Chicks & Other Myths” for my detailed thoughts on this).

2.) The simple fact is, I date who approaches me– and big men rarely approach me. Most of the time, its big men who aren’t checking for a Plus Size Princess, but for some reason that seems to be okay with everyone. Just wondering: why aren’t male dating preferences scrutinized as women’s?

3.) Thinking back on my time dating James, I actually was a hypocrite. I was a hypocrite because I knew on our first date that I wasn’t interested in him, but I kept dating him for three weeks. I continued dating James because he was a big handsome man and he made me feel tiny. Dating a huge buff man made me feel like I had lost 75 pounds over night. I liked the way I felt standing next to him (and I’m not going to lie, I liked that he called me “little”). How could I write posts complaining about men who only date me for my size… and then date a man only for his size. I was being selfish and heading down the road to fetish-town which was not cool at all.

I’m going to stop there and revisit this topic in another post after hearing what you guys think.

Dating Big Men… Thoughts???

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  • vanessa jackson

    Honestly I’ve never really looked at a guy that was big any differently than I would any other potential mate. My thoughts are as long as he attracts my attention his size really doesn’t matter. I was recently cyber chatting with a guy 6’2 425#s, he was a nice guy. Problem is he was not settled in his career choice and wasn’t quite sure what direction he was heading. His size was not the issue but when I asked about his health he had issues due to his size. That was my focus – if you’re a big person like myself are you capable of living life or will it impede us “me” from enjoying life. I think when you’re of “size” and someone is no longer interested the thoughts automatically assume it’s because of the weight but in actuality as in my situation it was other things that turned me off. He thought and accused me of not liking him because of his weight..not his lack of career, stability and focus. I’m almost 50 and so was he and to still be trying to find oneself is not a good thing :) Reinvention perhaps…

    • TheBigGirlBlog

      For me there is equal potential for any type of guy. But I find that there’s an expectation for me to automatically connect with larger men. I dunno…

  • Nina H.

    Funny enough I never get approached by bigger guys. Ironically these tall rail thin guys usually do. Personally I’m an equal opportunity dater. Weight doesn’t bother me too much. Just be healthy and attractive in my eyes.

  • http://mykurves.blogspot.com/ Kurves

    I am with Vanessa on this one. Being Healthy is more important than the # on the scales and to me Age is another factor. I am more drawn to the larger physique in a man but he cannot be too old with emotional baggage. Many times I find that bigger men have some emotional baggage due to women putting them down and we must be careful with the “tough love”.

  • ratmistress

    I have married to a big handsome man for 13 years and he is the best thing that has every happened to me. Big men rock!

  • Phenix77

    I don’t have a problem with a guy being larger, its just that the larger guys I’ve dated were lazy in bed and that is no bueno! As long as a guy is confident, at least 6 inches taller than me (I’m 5’2), and has a nice smile, I’m good. Has anyone else had that experience with the lazy sex though?

  • http://trikeeepingcalm.blogspot.com/ Christina

    My lovely boyfriend is – by far – the biggest guy I have ever dated. He’s 6’6″, and probably weighs about 270. My “type” has always been skinny geeky guys…and that he is not! I’m not plus sized, but I’m also not tiny, but he makes me feel small, and I love it!

  • Z

    I get that. there is something nice about being with someone you feel “little” with. I dated a guy who was skinny and about 5’5/5’6 (i’m 5’1 so I’m pretty open height wise) and in the back of my mind I think I always felt bigger and didn’t love that feeling. my current boyfriend is taller and bigger than me and there is something kind of comforting about that, you feel dainty and small. That said I think a lot of the niceties about dating a man bigger than you (if only in height or build) is also wrapped up in these ideas of women being delicate and small etc which I think can possibly be equally problematic, or at least should be dissected more.

  • E

    I can’t remember the last time i’ve been hit on by a big man… I used to have the biggest crush on football player type men but i’ve only gotten hit on by short and tall thin men… and my current bf is a little taller but thinner than I and though sometimes i’m afraid of being jack sprat’s wife (nursery rhyme, anyone?) i am more than happy with him just the way he is :)

  • AstarteOurania

    I’ve rarely dated larger guys, mostly because I haven’t been approached by them. I do have a preference for larger guys (with goatees or trim beards lol), I think it’s because it gives me the sense that they are strong. Totally in my head but that’s how it is. But no, I haven’t turned down guys who were slender, I give people a chance to astound me with great characters, be accomplished in their lives, etc.

  • WitchBaby

    I’m a super short PSP – I barely stand at 4’11” so every guy I’ve dated (except one) has been like massively taller than me. But the heavier guys I’ve dated have either been physically or mentally abusive. I’m very happy with my BF of almost 3 years – tall & skinny.

  • Tina

    im guilty, I’ve tried dating a big man once but wasn’t attracted to him at all so it didn’t last.

  • nicthommi

    Very true…plus-sized women are encouraged to take what they can get and the assumption is that you can only get what you are (many people like to wrap it up in the stereotype that you don’t work out and are lazy so naturally a “fit” person “deserves” to be with someone who works as hard as they do).
    But I find that much like with skin color (as a dark-skinned black woman), likes do NOT tend to attract likes and I’ve never been approached by a “teddy bear” guy either. I don’t think I’d have a problem with it esp. not on a taller guy but I tend to see those guys actually with very small, slender women. But it’s also kind of true that in my head, I’ve been surprised when women who fit a certain ideal introduce me to a BF or fiance who is a “plus-sized” guy too.
    However, slim to average women don’t get treated like they shouldn’t desire guys with athletic builds.

  • Jennifer Sawyer

    . i think you are correct in what you explained .come to think of it, my exs were skinny. but i never had a prefence. so my significant other is big per se. i mean size 40/42 pants .i dont see him as so at all but society does. hes fluffy and i lay on him and im plus size. i think its a bit different for men than woman. but i wouldnt want him any other size. plus hes a great martial arts partner, i hurt all the really skinny dudes. lol

  • c2268

    I’m always concerned about the logistics of dating a big man. I’m big and I always worry that we’d have trouble being intimate with each other or possibly break furniture making love. I was with one plus size man and sex was a bit awkward. Most of that was because he was a terrible lover (which I suspect had little to do with his weight and more to do with little experience). But, other than the sex part, a big man is kinda sexy to me.

  • c2268

    I’m always concerned about the logistics of dating a big man. I’m big and I always worry that we’d have trouble being intimate with each other or possibly break furniture making love. I was with one plus size man and sex was a bit awkward. Most of that was because he was a terrible lover (which I suspect had little to do with his weight and more to do with little experience). But, other than the sex part, a big man is kinda sexy to me.