5 Ways We Make Ourselves Unapproachable


“Girl, when are you gonna come dance?!” a petite girl with a pixie cut held her hands out to me.

“Soon!” I smiled and two-stepped politely by the bar.

Just then, a hot guy slid onto the dance floor in front of the pixie girl and began to dance. She laughed and quickly turned away from him to beckon me onto the floor again.

“Um… that guy was trying to dance with you!” I yelled over the music.

I saw it register on her face that she had just rejected a hot guy. When he passed her again, she tried to get his attention, but the moment was gone.

This happened at a singles mixer I attended the other day. As a dating blogger, I get invited to singles events often. I made a point to attend this one because I would love to host a Plus Size Princess singles mixer/speed dating event someday…

Anyway, I arrived at the dating event (with Roberts permission) in the name research but suddenly I found myself observing how single people act when we’re out. We’ve talked about the importance of eye contact in the past (read that post here), but today I thought we could chat about some habits that make Men and Women seem unapproachable. Lets jump right in!

Phone Play: Okay seriously, no one is texting you, so get off of your phone. For the first 30 minutes of the singles mixer I attended, people were scrolling through their phones like their lives depended on it. Unless you’re a single parent or someone is meeting you and can’t find you, there’s no need to be on your phone when you’re out. Cell phones are an easy social crutch when we’re feeling awkward/vulnerable, but being on your phone makes anyone who may want to meet you feel like they’re interrupting something. Stay of twitter, stop playing candy crush. Stay in the moment!

Bringing a Friend: This one’s tough because its hard to go out solo. It feels good to have a partner in crime, but I noticed girls arriving in pairs and then getting into deep conversations… with each other! Guys are good at arriving together and splitting up to meet people, but girls often stay with the pack they arrived with. I even observed three friends group-flirting with one guy. If you can’t fathom going to an event by yourself I’d suggest creating moments for yourself where you’re alone. Take turns getting drinks instead of going together, things like that will increase your chances of making a connection on your own.

Sitting Down: This goes along with bringing a friend. If you decide to bring a friend don’t sit at a table, stand by the bar. There were so many twosomes of women huddled over a table chatting while hot guys stood around with no one to talk to, it was so sad. If you’re solo and need to sit down, please avoid couches in the corner… again, try to find a seat at the bar where there’s still an open/social vibe.

Mean Mugging/Serious Singing: There’s this thing guys and girls do in the club, where they survey the room to see who’s there but they have a mean look on their face. Another variation of this is singing along to whatever the DJ is playing with a furrowed brow while holding a drink midway to your lips. Relax! Enjoy yourself! Stop trying to look cool… smile!

Only Dancing to Beyonce: Listen, I like to “pat my weave” and “Naomi Campbell walk” with the best of them (so please don’t send the Beyhive after me, mkay). But here’s what I noticed: when the DJ dropped Beyonce all the girls ran to the dancefloor… and all the guys left the dancefloor to get a drink. Its cool to “shake it like that, ally-cat” with your girls but make sure you stay on the dance floor so when the song changes to the Dougie or “Doin’ it” by LL cool J (ow!) you’re up, moving and in a position to be social.

I have a bad habit of making myself seem unapproachable, so it was easy for me to spot these things. I know for a fact that if I was at that event “trying” to meet someone, I would have brought a friend, been nervously tweeting at a table, looking up only to accidentally scowl at the room and then danced to “Crazy in Love” and sat back down. Then, instead of realizing how my unapproachable vibe kept guys from interacting with me, I would have left thinking that no one approached me because of my weight.

Because I’m not trying to meet someone, I went to the dating mixer by myself, stood at the bar completely relaxed, had a great time and as if to prove my point, three different guys approached me and asked for my number.

I swear, sometimes the things we do to combat our insecurities actually work against us… just a thought!

  • http://www.modishmaracas.com/ Sophie

    Spot on! Great post.

    • CeCe Olisa

      Thanks Sophie <3

  • vanessa jackson

    Great post. I don’t hang out in these types of venues anymore (older person) but these are definitely tips I can use. A bum told me just Friday that I looked so mean…lol! Well I was outside and the sun was blazing so I guess the real frown was the sun grimace…I take your advice under advisement especially mean mugging (only do that with those I’m saying please not interested). I will smile, say hi, make eye contact… Now can I ask why do mean over 40 or over 30 for that matter – still wear braids? I ask because this guy at the gym always smiling at me, he’s shorter, puggy and wear fishbone braids or varying designs in his 40+ head! Why???? Almost as bad as the throwback jersey’s. Just wondering…anybody

    • CeCe Olisa

      Tell that bum to mind his business! lol

      re: the braids… that’s just odd. I personally like my men to be pretty low maintenance, so if we BOTH have to go get our hair braided every few weeks? I’m OUT!

  • Monique

    Love this post! I was just thinking about this the other day, how I needed to get out of my shell and get to meeting people. One of my biggest drawbacks though, and ladies correct me if I’m wrong, is that nowadays merely being polite is thought of as you trying to pick someone up! Has anyone else had this experience?

    • http://gingerwontsnap.com/ Ginger Corsair

      Yep. This has happened to me. I’m not sure what to do about it. If I engage with someone and am polite, they shy away thinking I’m coming onto them. I don’t get it, I’m just being nice and myself!

      Way to make me feel awkward, bros.

  • Talia

    I really liked this post. I often get told that I look “bored” and “sulky” at social gatherings, and I think it’s my defense mechanism in dealing with social awkwardness. I realize that I need to put myself out there and this post motivates me to follow through.

  • terry

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  • Muashishi

    I always get passed up. I think I need to seem more approachable or confident.

    • http://crashbeauty.com/ Chrissy

      Don’t stress yourself out about needing to meet someone, they will find you when you are enjoying yourself. I’d say go to these things with the intent of making at least one new friend or contact. That will force you to talk and learn about other people and keep you less focused on yourself or any insecurities you may have.

      -Chrissy of http://www.Crashbeauty.com

  • MissJoi

    It’s hard for me to walk around smiling. Don’t get me wrong, I love to smile in reaction to something. But how does one walk around with a smile on one’s face for no reason? I’ve tried that and it just made me feel odd. Any tips would be appreciated!

  • http://crashbeauty.com/ Chrissy

    Good Going girl. It’s always best to just go with the intent of having a good time because by being genuinely you (and not nervous nelly you) people will be drawn to you regardless. When I was single I always noticed these things too. A lot of guys get intimidated by a large group of girls chatting among themselves and I find the ones who don’t are the ones that don’t really care what girl they go home with.

    Great pointers for the single ladies!

    -Chrissy of http://www.crashbeauty.com