Say “More Cushion for the Pushing” and I WILL Dump You.

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“She is plush, soft and gorgeous and I’m quite happy to take her to bed every night,” Bruce said of his Plus Size girlfriend, Jess.

VH1 has a new show called “I’m married to a…” where they profile “unconventional couples“. The premier episode featured a “BBW and FA” relationship. For those who don’t know, BBW = Big Beautiful Woman, FA = Fat Admirer. (side note: I gave my TV the longest *blank stare* over the fact that dating a big girl is considered shocking enough to be on this show). Anyway, as they profiled Bruce and Jess, I noticed something. Bruce could not keep his hands off of Jess. There was footage of him pinching her face, kissing her constantly, chasing her around the house and spanking her and wiggling his eye brows as he spoke about sleeping with her and explaining to the camera and his male friends that “Fat sex is… its nirvana!” he also said “I could look at Jess from any angle and get a chill up my spine and say ‘yeahhhhh that’s all mine’!”

I am always irked when men act like sleeping with Plus Size Princesses is the only reasons they give us the time of day. You’ve heard this talk before… “More Cushion for the Pushing”, “I don’t want to feel like I’m breaking a girl when we’re in bed, big girls can handle it!”, “They’re give you shade in the summer and warmth in the winter”, the list goes on and on. Even though Bruce seems to have good intentions he is poster child for someone who is dating a personification of their fetish instead of dating a person.

MCFTP

Is there anything wrong with him feeling this way about Jess? Nope! But Bruce said nothing about the personality traits Jess has, instead he focused on constantly detailing their sex life. As far as I can tell, if he writes his own vows when he marries her (as he plans to do) he will stand on the altar and make a passionate speech about how good it feels to sleep with her. Awk!

We need to take a very close look at the types of women we’re quick to sexualize and the types of women we shield from that type of talk. Here are some questions I have:

-Do we ever hear men talk about their skinny girlfriends this way? I’ve never seen a guy on TV ranting about the amazing way his skinny lovers body feels. I also don’t see men with skinny girlfriends going on and on about how great it feels to sleep with a small girl. I feel like if being with your girlfriend is “nirvana” that’s information for you and her to share and taking it upon yourself to publicize her intimate qualities is disrespectful.

-Why do men lead with the sex as the reason they date big women? I understand that there’s a bit of overcompensating happening in these situations, especially if men are getting a hard time from their friends about being with a Plus Size Princess, but I see no reason to convince the world that what you’re doing is pleasurable. If you like her, date her and keep it moving. If you’ve got something to prove, don’t use me/my body to do it.

-How much is too much? All men have things that they’re attracted to. I’m currently dating a “boob man” and I don’t mind that he might mention his attraction to The Twins in public. I had to ask myself why something like that is okay, but the comments Bruce made about Jess are not. I think there is a big difference between openly discussing your attraction to someone and openly discussing the sex you have with that person.

Just like I hate when men flirt with me by saying “I love big girls!”, I don’t think leading with my size is ever appropriate or cute.  No matter what size I am, if someone asks why you’re with me and all you can talk about is our physical chemistry? We’ve got a huge problem.

I will never be interested in the fact that you love big women, I will only ever care about if you love me. On the other hand, if these men are continually talking like this, that means there are some women out there who enjoy it, so how does this sit with you? …thoughts???

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  • HP

    It’s why I will never date a FA, I don’t want to be someone’s fetish. I have dated/slept with men who prefer bigger women but they don’t fetish it, it’s just a preference. There is a huge difference between the two. One actually factors in your personality to the attraction, not just your body.

    I think that it is an overcompensation mentioning sex with a BBW more so than a skinny/average sized girl. Simply because in media and a lot of society, bigger women are not sexualized in any way. If you are plus sized you are the funny friend, the wingman for your “skinny/pretty” friends, not the one that gets the guy or who dates or who has sex. So the men who date them have to bring up the joy of the sex because society doesn’t think that it can be good, simply because the woman is big.

    Smaller women are sexualized the same, but it is in a less blunt way.

  • Thickness Tees

    Wow…I never thought about this before. I never considered myself fat though. Am I delusional? I always have a boyfriend…but he never treats me like I’m a festish of his. I have to think long and hard about this one. I think I’m offended about this program though. Hmmm…

  • nita

    I don’t like it. I’ve met men who I definitely felt were more interested in my body than who I am as a person, and while it’s nice to feel beautiful and desired, I’m a lot more than just my body.

  • Celia

    CeCe, this was great, so well-written and thoughtful!

  • jwunderlin

    It’s important to remember that this was a television show, and it might have been edited and produced to heavily focus on the sexualizing of bigger women because 1) sex sells, and 2) dating a big girl is still outside the norm (sadly) for most viewers, and focusing on the sex might justify and contextualize their relationship for their less enlightened viewers. Just a thought.

    • JayFay

      I was going to say the same thing – these shows are edited to highlight
      whatever the producers think will get the most attention. So we can’t
      judge Bruce on what he “didn’t” say or what “didn’t” make it onto the
      airwaves.

      • jwunderlin

        Exactly! They want what will boost their ratings and viewings, and what will attract advertisers, not necessarily do a thoughtful and accurate portrayal of an unorthodox relationship. This is VH1, not PBS!

        • CeCe Olisa

          As I mentioned to JayFay, I understand editing but in my opinion, those words should never be uttered. The fact that there is even footage of him saying those things makes me uncomfy I would never want my significant other discussing how good sex with me is because of my weight or any other reason. If we’re together, there’s obvious chemistry… no need to shout it from the rooftops.

          But I know I’m more conservative *shrugs*

          • HP

            If you look at his blog, he is also a fan of feedism. Though he doesn’t want it to get to an extreme where they are unhealthy. Which sounds like back tracking for the sake of not getting flamed. I don’t know how you can participate in that fetish without the woman becoming extremely unhealthy!

      • CeCe Olisa

        I see your point, but this behavior is something I see echoed in real life too… I think sometimes PSPs allow people to “lead with sex” when it comes to us and I’m not a fan of that

    • Bruce A Gilbert

      Exactly. Because I spent more time focusing on things we do outside the bedroom when this interview took place. We talked at length about how we enjoy playing video games together, watching cheesy movies together, and when I did the one-on-one, I was sure to point out how Jess’ humor, intelligence, energy, and proud geekdom are what attracted me to her and ultimately pulled me out of a borderline suicidal atmosphere.

      There are HOURS upon HOURS of footage that didn’t make the cut, and the best of it was left behind somewhere in an editing room in Los Angeles.

      And PS? Men talk about thin girlfriends similarly to what you saw on the show.

      http://www.lovinlarge.wordpress.com

  • JDF

    Thank you sooooo much!!! I am indeed a PSP, however, I just can’t with the self proclaimed “Chubby Chasers!!!” I need for you to be interested in ME, not my lovely rolls primarily. It’s sad to say, but I’m convinced that some men seek out PSP’s for the wrong reasons, i.e. betting on body conscious/ self esteem issues thus guaranteeing she will be happy “just” to have somebody! At some point in life, we will not be considered “Freaks of Nature.”

  • Elyse

    It makes you feel like you simply tick a box on his list of wants, doesn’t it? I have a good friend who’s Japanese American and currently dating a man who “only likes Asian women.” I have very fair hair and I don’t even like it when men tell me they love blondes. I think PSPs have to deal with it far more and with more offensive statements, but no matter the feature, it never feels good to have one part of your appearance mentioned out of proportion.

  • AstarteOurania

    Yep, this is why I’ve stayed away from the plus size dating sites my sister suggested. I’m looking for someone who likes me and is not invested in my size. I mean, what if I drop half my weight? Am I not ok anymore? I am not a fetish. :) I have to say if I hear that “more cushion for the pushing” I will probably have to smack someone. lol

  • Abby

    Ugh… I’ve had a guy who was flirting with me say “I’m just not into girls who look like barbie dolls” I don’t know how they can think that is a compliment? I’m tall, blonde, attractive, small-waisted and big chested so clearly he was talking about my the fact that I’m plus-sized… I feel like they’re saying to me “You’re fat and I’m okay with that!” Weight is a pretty sensitive issue, especially for the person carrying it, and I don’t really want it to be the focus of my relationship – even if it’s meant in a complimentary way…