Why Are We So Hard on Ourselves?

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Confession: I’m a Weight Watchers drop out.

My first 30 pounds came off in one year with Weight Watchers, but then… I began to cheat the system… staying “under my points” but still not eating well (did you know that a Skinny Cow ice-cream bar is only three points? Which means I could have two for dinner and only use six points!) Yeah, it was bad. I gained 10 pounds back. And then… I told myself I couldn’t show my face at a meeting to get weighed in until I had lost the 10 pounds. Which meant I was paying for a membership I wasn’t using, so I canceled it.

A few months after canceling my weight watchers membership, I began to work with my nutritionist and embrace clean eating (bye, bye skinny cow ice-cream bars!) I quickly lost the 10 pounds I had gained, plus eight more and I’m currently hovering over the 40 pound mark. I’m happy with the work I’m putting in, I’m happy with what we’re learning in #PSPfit bootcamp.

Then last week something happened; I ran into my old weight watchers leader and suddenly felt like I wasn’t far enough along, I hadn’t lost enough weight and I was a complete failure.

Did my WW leader ask about my weight? Nope! She asked me how I was doing and we caught up like normal people, but in my head she was looking at me and judging my progress.

Do you have people in your life that you want to see once you’re different in some way? Maybe you fantasize, “the next time I see them I’m going to be ________ ” It could be anything… “next time I’m going to look fabulous/have a great job/be in a fulfilling relationship” …whatever. I think my WW leader is one of those people for me. I think somewhere in the back of my mind, I decided that I the next time I saw her I was going to be significantly smaller… but she made her cameo in my life early and I wasn’t prepared!

I can laugh about it now, but in the moment I was emotional. Seeing her when I wasn’t at my “best” really made me feel like I hadn’t lost ANY weight, which of course is not true and if it was someone else saying this to me, I be telling them they were crazy for having a meltdown. But its different when its me.

Anyway, today I can be more objective– I can say that I am smaller/healthier/fitter than I was at my last WW meeting. I can say that I haven’t reached all of my fitness goals, but I’m closer. I’m eating better and working harder and I’m *this* close to having lost 40 pounds… and just because I’m not where I wanted to be by now, doesn’t mean I’m not farther along than I was before.

*sigh*

We are we so hard on ourselves?

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  • http://www.modishmaracas.com/ Sophie

    A big part of it is feeling the pressure to lose weight QUICKLY. Everyone will lose weight at a different pace. Out culture is into fast transformations, but weightloss just doesn’t happen that way.

    • thebiggirlblog

      Good point!!!

  • JayFay

    I don’t want to psychoanalyze too much here, but maybe you felt that if you were further along with your fitness goal, that would somehow “justify” having dropped out…? Like, “see? I don’t need WW, I can do it on my own successfully!”

    Or perhaps you know that your WW leader, and other such people, can see the potential in you, and you fear that you’re not living up to it?

  • Sherry

    I do that ALL the time! Most recently I gained back 10lbs and haven’t gone to the gym in weeks because I’m embarrassed someone will notice. Talk about counterproductive!

  • http://twitter.com/AstarteOurania AstarteOurania

    I run into my old trainer every so often in the gym. I’m heavier than I was when I was working with him and I feel bad. You always think you should be perfect but it’s not so easy losing weight, it’s a process. The only positive is that I’ve stopped getting injured; I find that while many personal trainers in gyms want to reduce you, they haven’t got a clue about the physics of moving a big body around; yes, I will get injured if I do certain things and I’m not pushing myself to the point of injury.

  • makeup thug

    Im am in the process of losing weight anf getting healthier. ? Dont get yourself down. You lost almost 40 pounds. That is a HUGE accomplishment. Stick with it boo.

  • Abby

    I’m going on an amazing holiday to Europe in two weeks time with my step family and step cousins, who are basically a family of tall, slim and tan could-be models. When I found out about the holiday last year I said… when I show up on the holiday I’m going to be at my goal weight! I’m 33 pounds down from April last year, but I still have 22 to go… I should be proud of how far I have come! But a little part of me is disappointed that I’ll still be rocking a one piece at the beach…