Curvy Conversations: I’m 22 and I Think I’m Ready… Thoughts?

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I’ve been having an email conversation with a PSP about intimacy. I feel a lot more solid in my dating advice than my advice on physical stuff, so take a look at our conversation below and if you have advice/thoughts for her you can chime in. I don’t think “s*x” is a bad word, but I’m going to censor it so that this site doesn’t get flagged/blocked by your office networks. (Shout out to those of you reading at work!) We’ll start off with her first email to me:

CeCe, 

First, I would like to say that I love your blog. It’s very informative and says many of the things I think about. Thanks for writing it and doing a spectacular job! 
 
My question is related to s*x, hence the subject line. I’m a 22 year old PSP. I’ve never been in a relationship am a virgin (I attended an all girls boarding high school). I believe that I’m ready to have s*x and I want to have s*x. However, I have some anxiety about my body despite losing weight – over 40lbs. I was one of those PSPs who always thought, if only I were skinny. 
 
I have so much anxiety about having s*x, my body during s*x, etc. What do I do? I know this is a bit personal, but did you experience any of the same things?
-PB
Hi PB,
Good questions! Before I answer I have some questions for you… Why do you want to have s*x? Is it just “time”? or is there a person you’re interested in being intimate with?

Hey CeCe,
I would say it’s a mixture of both. There is someone I’m interested in having s*x with. I also feel like I’m at the maturity level to handle the repercussions of s*x. I’m more sure of myself as a person and can stand my ground  - I speak up for myself and get what I want. I knew before that I couldn’t handle being s*xually active – school was first (I recently graduated) and I was working through some personal issues. 
Hi PB,
Okay that makes sense, I’ll answer your questions the best I can. Yes, I definitely have anxiety/insecurity about my body when there’s a man in the room. While Plus Size Princesses might have more body image issues to sort through, from what I understand, those feelings are normal for women of all sizes (yes, even skinny girls).
A few things to think about:
-You’re using some very interesting words around this subject “anxiety” and “repercussions” stick out the most, very negative words. While we all have awkwardness about our bodies, I feel like when your focus is on sharing your body with another person, some of that lifts. If there is a deep bond/emotional connection, then the physical becomes an extension of that. That said, you’re saying that you’ve never had a relationship but there is someone you want to sleep with. So, I’m going to assume that this person you have in mind is not someone who is committed to you.
-I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again even though some girls reading this wont agree: As women we need to be very careful about who we share our bodies with. When we have intimate experiences, our biological nature is to attach to the person gave us pleasure. We release a hormone call oxytocin that makes us want to bond. We also release this hormone when we have babies, it connects us strongly to people. Because of this I’d say think twice before just sleeping with someone to “get it over with”, because you might catch feelings and if they don’t feel the same towards you? It could be a frustrating/painful experience.
-You might be disappointed. Sleeping with someone can be so awesome… or so terrible. There are so many variables, so think about what your expectations are and talk them through with the person you want to sleep with. (if you’re not comfortable talking it through, they may not be the right person.
-Be safe, use protection, see a doctor and ask about birth control, HPV vaccines, etc.
-Lastly, my best friend Alex has an expression “if you have to ask….”. Meaning if you have to ask about something that means you already know the answer (i.e. if I have to ask if my skirt is too short, then it probably is). In the same like manner, if you’re looking outside of your twosome for guidance on your comfort level with intimacy, maybe that’s not the most comfortable twosome for you to be intimate in? Maybe there someone out there who is not just willing but ABLE to enjoy this milestone with you, hold your hand and make you feel good about yourself before/during/after… just a thought!
Okay my lovelies, help me out here… what advice do you have for PB? What do you wish someone had told you before you started sleeping with people? Chime in below!
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  • Joy

    Hi! Biology major here!

    That oxytocin argument is highly exaggerated and sometimes false and I wish it would stop being spread around in popular media. Yes, oxytocin levels increase during orgasm, but it’s not as concrete as people have made it sound. There are plenty of other factors that go into why you would become attached to a sexual partner, and oxytocin is a very, very small contributor to that.

    That being said, sharing your body with multiple men or just one is a decision a woman must make depending on her disposition. Sometimes sex is just sex and sometimes it means much more.

    • thebiggirlblog

      Yessss! Biology major, love it… My readers are so smart lol

  • sonu
  • tiffany mallory

    Hi,
    i must say how awesome it is that this young lady has waited till she reached a comfortable maturity level. CeCe, i like the your advice about talking to the guy about this experience because if you are not comfortable with him the experience can be very awkward and unpleasant. I would suggest if you do not feel eased and have less insecurities after taking with him both you still want s*x, try self pleasure. This can give you time to become more comfortable with your body and more time for that guy to come around that you just really feel it would be a great connection

  • Emma

    I will share my story since it seems similar. I was 22 when I lost my “big V” and I was not in a relationship. In fact, I hardly knew the guy at all. What I knew is that he was good looking and nice and he was physically interested in me as well. Before this time came I too wanted to wait for a committed relationship and let my first intimate (all the way) encounter be with someone I loved and trusted, but truthfully afterward I didn’t feel badly about it. One reason why I just wanted to do it is while everyone was having their first times in high school and shortly after with their serious boy/girlfriends, I stood on the sideline most of the time just watching with no one of my own or no experience of my own. Whenever s*xual events came up in conversations I couldn’t contribute because I had no experience and that itself was a self conscious personal issue and I wanted to experience what these girls had experienced. Don’t get me wrong I didn’t go through with it in order to fit in better, I actually felt ready for it and knew I wouldn’t have issues with the guy after. PB doesn’t need to feel self/body conscious if she chooses to be intimate with her boy because if the guy wants you and wants to be with you, he’s definitely attracted to you just as you should feel for him. You should not settle just because you think he is someone you can “score.” Like CeCe says though, you have to have your mind right. If you want this just for the experience, you can’t go into it with feelings for this guy he may or may not return and then cling on to those hoping for a deeper relationship that might not happen. Intimacy is something you can read all of our opinions on, but then you have to make the decision that is right for you. No one knows what you are feeling. Take another look and make sure that the anxiety you are feeling is actually about your body and not the guy you are thinking of being with.

    • Christina

      I’m going to jump in on your comment because my experience was the same (though I can’t say I’m a PSP…I was heavier then than I am now though, so I was a lot more self conscious). I was 22, and I wasn’t in a relationship with the guy, but we were attracted to each other. We’d met at a party through a mutual friend, so I at least knew he wasn’t a serial killer. I did not, however, tell him that I was a virgin until literally the last second. (The next sentence may be TMI!) .I had to tell him to slow it down a bit, and that I was a virgin (I will NEVER forget the look on his face either). Obviously there was tightness, and I DID feel my hymen tear – it felt like a ‘pop’ (I get angry when people say this doesn’t happen because I DEFINITELY felt it, and there was a bit of blood afterwards). I only mention it because they are probably things PB should be aware of :)

      That said, our “relationship” actually turned into a monogamous friends with benefits kind of thing that lasted about a year and a half. That part of it was nice…that I knew I had “s*x on tap” that was safe – he kept his condom on, and I took my pill correctly.

      I can honestly say it helped me grow emotionally. Though there was always that, ‘What exactly are we?’ question, the “relationship” with him helped me realize that, though I could get from him what I wanted physically, I couldn’t get the emotional support I wanted/needed from him, and it eventually fizzled away. And I don’t regret it one bit :)

    • http://twitter.com/thebiggirlblog CeCe Olisa

      THANK YOU for sharing that….

  • PB

    I don’t if I’m allowed to respond but I’m going for it.

    I definitely agree with Emma’s comment. I feel the same way. I will be having an indepth conversation with him about both of our expectations. The anxiety is stemming from my end – about my body not about him.

    Sidenote: when I used “repercussions” I was referring to STDs, STIs, pregnancy, etc.

    A big thanks to everyone – I feel better already!

    • http://twitter.com/thebiggirlblog CeCe Olisa

      Hooray! I was hoping you’d chime in… xoxo

  • Lala

    Being a PSP at any age is difficult and probably most difficult at that time when all your friends are talking about their s*xual adventures and things they have been doing. I was definitely the last of my friends to have s*x and for a while it bothered me. I wasn’t sure what it was, why I couldn’t seem to find someone etc. I realize now many many years later, it just wasn’t my time then. I was not mentally, emotionally and physically ready to give my whole self to someone. The first time I did have s*x, I was drunk, completely and was at a wedding. I had recently split with a guy who I still think to this day is the one for me, but then we were on two different paths. But he was at that wedding and I made my way to his hotel room. Things started to happen and I hadn’t told him I was a virgin, but he soon realized and I felt lost and not sure what to do. he was great and comforting. It might not have been with a guy I was in a relationship with but it was with a guy I care for with all my heart and he does for me. We are still great friends to this day.
    I still don’t speak about my first time, maybe 2 friends actually know the age I lost my virginity because then it was such a taboo thing and people always judged.

    But I am more secure with myself and not ashamed about any of it now. You have to love yourself, your body, your mind and just believe you have the best in you. CeCe was great, finding the right one to hold your hand in the process is a great thing to have!

  • http://twitter.com/Rebekah__Jo Rebekah Jo

    I’m going to be very honest with you. Nothing can really prepare you for having sex for the first time. Even if you were supermodel thin there would still be anxiety and issues. Having sex for the first time, especially if you’ve given it a lot of thought, is a nerve-wrecking process. That being said, I do not suggest having sex just for the sake of having sex. Been there and done that, and while I am all for women’s empowerment, it left me feeling less than awesome.

    If you have a guy your genuinely interesting in having sex with, and he is telling you he is interested, then yes, have a conversation about it. Any guy worth his salt will help alleviate your fears. Also, it isn’t written in stone that you have to be completely naked. There are some gorgeous lingerie options for PSPs and they offer the allure, while helping also cover areas you might be self-conscience about.

    Here’s another thing to keep in mind. In the heat of the moment I can assure you that he is NOT cataloging any flaws you think you have. He is thanking his lucky stars that you agreed to roll around in the sheets with him.

  • Alex

    I’m 18, a college sophomore, and I’m in a similar predicament. I don’t have a guy in mind, or really any experience with the opposite sex (Not even kissing! Ah, woe is me! lol) , but I have to say reading this entry and these comments really helped me feel better about my situation. While it would be nice to experience intimacy on a physical level, I know my main priority right now is to get my education and focus on personal growth; I have hope the rest will fall into place later. It’s just a comfort to know I’m not alone, and that other “big girls” are worrying about the same things. :)

  • Anna

    Whatever your age, sex is going to be scary. I’m 23 and it’s only taken me until now to feel confident and mature enough to be in a sexual situation with someone. Its an incredibly vunerable position you are in, and sadly for me it did not end well. The guy I was dating and I got drunk and ended up in bed but didn’t go all the way because of no condom…The next morning I felt a mixture of elation and sick. I didn’t love this man, but I had jumped over a big hurdle. I had got naked in front of someone and they didn’t run for the hills…or so I thought. I never heard from him again. Not a phone call, not a text, not an email. let me tell you, the feeling I got from this was worse than any anxiety about taking my clothes off in front of someone. So yes, it IS important that you wait until you have found someone who you trust. Because even though i’m dating a gorgeous, kind, sexy guy now it’s been a month since we’ve started seeing each other and i’m still scared that he will do the same. If you don’t trust the person you’re sleeping with you can end up getting hurt. I can’t imagine the first guy feels anywhere near as bad as I do about the whole situation!
    Anna, Durham, England