Filed Under: Curvy Conversations, Dating
I’ve been following your blog for a long time. I want to start by saying how beautiful you are and what a great role model you are for bigger (for that matter, all) girls everywhere!
I’m hoping you can give me some advice regarding my 18-year-old daughter. By society’s standards she may be on the lower end of plus-size (12/14) but she trains competitively in the sport of horse show jumping and I am not exaggerating when I tell you that 99% of the young girls in that sport are rail thin. She has never let her size stop her and has received many accomplishments in jumping her 3 horses, has many girl friends, and a lot of riders admire and look up to her. She’s a good student, a hoot to hang out with, and has never gotten into trouble.
The problem, of course, is guys. I’m now dealing with the third time she’s had feelings for a guy who only wants to be “friends”. All three have been super great, good looking guys who I would have had no problem with her dating. They were all so nice to my daughter and wanted to hang out with her and do things, but wanted to date the rail thin ones and not her. Then she gets her heart broken and it kills me.
I’m by no means thin, but I was at her age so I’m having a hard time relating. I seem to go back and forth with my feelings. Sometimes I want to scream at her to maybe start exercising hard (she does a lot of riding 6 days a week but nothing else and no interest in anything else) and eat better so she won’t keep getting her heart crushed. I have to walk away when I feel like this because I don’t think it’s the right approach. She’s an adult now and has to make her own decisions on how to take care of herself. Sometimes I feel jealous of the skinny girls’ mothers not having to worry about stuff like this. Sometimes I just feel in despair about the whole situation.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve read your stories about Kevin and Robert when I’m feeling down about her. It reminds me that love is possible at all sizes (I think you’re adorable by the way!) and that my daughter’s time will come.
How did your parents deal with your size growing up? Did they nag you to lose weight?
Hi Worried Mom,
Thanks for writing (and for your kind words *blush*)
Skinny girls get their hearts broken too. Skinny girls get put in the friend zone too.
When I look back at the thin girls I grew up with who always had boyfriends, there’s a lot of independent character that they lack now that we’re a little older. Their identities are still grounded in what man is (or isn’t) paying attention to them and that’s no way for a girl to live.
When it came to being an overweight child, I credit my parents with striking a great balance between encouraging me to be healthy while boosting my self-esteem and making sure I knew I was a beautiful/talented/cool kid. My parents encouraged me to play sports, to take dance classes and to try new things. They were also there to lift my spirits when the world was cruel. My parents raised us with a focus on what was important: God, family, grades, personal development… having a boyfriend what no where on that list.
It sounds like your daughter has a lot going for her, the activities and things she’s involved in are what’s going to shape her into a successful and awesome human being– I would continue to focus on the amazing things she’s doing and remember that having a boyfriend is just a perk. She’s going to get married someday and have kids. This time in her life will have no bearing on what’s important in the future.
For me, being a young Plus Size Princess is a gift. It helped me to evolve as a person, learn how to communicate with men non sexually and when my time came… everything worked out. I had a date to every prom and now that I do have an active “grown up” dating life, I work hard to keep men in healthy perspective.
Hope that helps!