Curvy Conversations: Case of the Ex…

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Hello CeCe,

I’m having a really hard time of letting go of what should stay in the past. Ok let me fill you in, I met my Ex boyfriend from an online dating site at the end of 2006. This was my first real relationship, I believe due to the fact im a PSP. So to make a long story short we fell in love and spent the next almost 4 years together. 2 and a half years into to the relationship that’s when things started going down hill due to the fact I felt as though he was ashamed of me because of my weight. Some of the reasoning behind my feelings was that the only people I’ve met was one of his sisters and one friends. I mean it took me two whole years to realize this because he explained he wasn’t really that close to his family. By the time i finally met his mother and siblings it was “too little too late ” type of feeling I had going on so I felt my heart grow cold.

So with me feeling cold-hearted there was a disconnect in our relationship, I believe that’s the reason why he started turning to other women, like texting, calling and whatever else. I really don’t know if he have ever physically cheated and to this day he claims he never has. He even went as far as reaching out to his Ex girlfriend that he was with right before me.

Even after feeling the way I felt we still stayed together up until June 2011. It seems like as soon as I broke up with him he went back to his Ex like I thought he would, but he swears up and down that he haven’t  been in touch with her for the last year or so. So it been close to a year and a half and we’re still in touch and he claims that he wants to be with me but I have my sources and I know he’s still going back a forth with his Ex.

CeCe I know you’re  thinking like “didn’t you not want to be with him in the first place” yes I know but I still want him to be in my life even if it’s being just friends but he definitely wants more, But I think he wants his Ex too, so its apparent I don’t trust him at all, so I don’t know why I feel we can remain in each others lives. I even tried to sit down and ask him where does he place her in his life and if he ever loved her or love her now and he continues to say he never loved her and that I was his First love and so forth. So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again? I know that this is all over the place but he is  a good dude and he explained he never meant to do what he did and he was younger and now he knows what he wants. But the thing is I’m not quite sure of what I want yet.  I just know I want honesty…

Sincerely,

Evans Ex

Hey Evans Ex,

Thanks for reaching out! Sounds like you’ve got a lot going on. Hopefully, I can pull together some answers for you based on what you wrote here.

In general, this seems to be a drama filled situation, so I’d like to address that first. This dude always likes to have a girl (or two) waiting in the wings in case things with his current girlfriend go badly. He was unhappy with you, so he cheated instead of just breaking up with you– that seems like a cowardly move to me. This pattern has been done to you and with you, so we know its not a one time thing.

I think drama-filled relationships often keep us from finding people we’re more compatible with. While you’re spending time worrying about a guy who seeks the attention of other women, runs back to his ex as soon as he can and (in my opinion) plays head games… there’s a stand-up dude out there that you haven’t met yet. You to are not married, tell the kid to kick rocks and move forward with your life. I guess if it were that simple, you wouldn’t be writing to me though, so lets dig a little deeper, shall we?

You found the confidence to let him go… why entertain him again once he’s shown his true colors? I think the answer lies in your letter.

You mentioned that being a PSP (Plus Size Princess) was the root of two issues 1.) Not having a boyfriend in the past 2.) Him not introducing you to his family. I think those thoughts are pretty normal, I know I have similar thoughts… but I’m wondering if they’re breeding insecurities for you that go even further than that… are you nervous that you might not find someone else who will accept you at your size? Does the comfort level you have with your ex make it seem easier to deal with his nonsense than to find someone new? …just things to think about.

Now to the questions you asked at the end of your email “So I say all this to ask you should I just let him go and if so what are the steps I can take to get him out of my system all over again?”

Yes, you should just let him go.

The main step to get him out of your system is to accept that you cannot be “just friends” with him. Point blank, period. I know it sounds harsh and it will be hard to let go of him, but if you start to evaluate the questions I posed earlier hopefully you can start to figure out the real reasons you’re holding onto this relationship that as you said in the first line of your email “should stay in the past”.

I’m sure he’s a good guy, but I’m sure you can find an even better guy.

xoxo,

CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

Anyone else have advice for Evans Ex?

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  • Ness

    Great advice CeCe. I was thinking the same thing while I read her post. Sometimes as PSP we feel that we can’t find anyone else so we think – we’ll be lonely. Especially this time of year when everyone seems to have someone. Honey you’re not alone – like CeCe says there’s some REAL true standup dude waiting for a REAL woman. Cut the ties and move on. I’m quite sure if you stop seeing him once again – he’ll run right back to the ex/current/ex/current girlfriend. Trust your sources and your instincts. Move on… If he can’t love you as PSP what do you think will happen down the line? You’re worth more than the value you’re placing on yourself. Best of blessings as you release…

    • thebiggirlblog

      Agreed!

  • elsasdream

    I read her email and te first thing I thought was… “Hmmm I wonder if she’s dating my ex” LOL. I laugh but seriously it sucks and I think A lot of us have been there. It is really hard to let go of someone who you are comfortable with even if it is wrought with drama and stress, because you are comfortable with that drama and stress level. The alternative is like jumping into a pit and not knowing if you’ll land… But I can tell you Evan, from my VERY similar experience, that CeCe is right! You have to let him go. That means no seeing him, no talking, and for God’s sake no Facebook stalking. It seems hard, almost impossible at first, but as time goes on it becomes easier and you will be a much happier, independent, and confident woman, for having made a decision for YOU and not for HIM.

    • thebiggirlblog

      eek @ facebook stalking, that is GOOD advice… I didn’t even think about that!

  • Jennifer Sawyer

    I fully agree.we have a way of justifying what we need but in this case you had me at the title. Because he wants you just because his ex isn’t working then when it is clear he will run back to her. Stop his game and forget. You deserve so much better. I agree with the advice given. Let him be. He’s not worth your time.

  • Jassy

    I think your advice is dead on, CeCe. I feel for this girl because this was me. I didn’t have a lot of confidence when I was young and I thought I had to settle becasue I was a PSP. I’ve learned that I’d rather be alone than with someone who doesn’t care about me enough to treat me with kindness and consideration. It’s just such a waste. Don’t waste your heart and your youth on someone who isn’t worth it!

    • thebiggirlblog

      Its so hard… I’m still working through this stuff myself. Thanks for chiming in!

  • Niecey

    Everything in this letter relates to me (Even the fact that his name is Evans which is my ex name) I went through all the things this girl is going through & some witg ne ex, event met him at the same time & got involved with him late 2006. When first reading this I thought can we be dating/talking to the same guy. That would be insane if it was but I agree with CeeCee & we just need to let these losers go they not worth it hun. Good luck

    • evansEX

      wow really? thats crazy, but you never know!

  • evansEX

    Thanks ladies i really appreciate the advice. I definitely will be making some changes ASAP.