Would You Date the Men Who Want to Date You?

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I was reading a magazine while doing my laundry and I came across this:

I snapped a picture and posted it on my twitter and facebook pages with the caption “thoughts?”

A few of you were like “duh. Men approach me a lot!” a few asked “what do these men consider to be ‘plus size’?” I also got a lot of responses saying “Where are these men?!?”

That third response resonated with me. The dating life of a Plus Size Princesses can sometimes feel like a scavenger hunt as we keep our eyes peeled for men who don’t have a problem dating a woman with curves (or lumps). I can remember going to clubs with my skinny friends and keeping my fingers crossed that just one guy in the club would be cool with dancing with me. And if they asked for my number? It was like lightning had struck!

So I’m thinking, if 78% of men polled would truly “Rather Date a Confident Plus Size Woman Than and Insecure Supermodel” why is it that PSPs don’t feel like we’ve got a chance with 78% of the men out there?

(side note: For this post I’m going to skip over the confidence piece, because I get annoyed with the constant “have confidence!” advice out there. But I will revisit the confidence element in another post.)

Okay, back to this 78% thing. Here’s what I’m wondering. Glamour mag didn’t say 78% of attractive doctors and lawyers over six feet tall would prefer a +size girl with confidence. They said 78% of men. So that includes of all types of men, not just what we consider ideal.

When I first moved to NYC, I was approached by men as much as (or maybe more) than my skinny friends, but I never went on dates. Why? Because the men who approached me weren’t “what I was looking for”. At that time, the only guys I would give attention to were the ones who looked like boy band members (don’t laugh, it’s what I liked!). I didn’t care what race you were as long as you could dance, had a megawatt smile, dressed well and had a sharp haircut. Those guys weren’t interested in me and the ones that were turned out to be gay, so… yeah (actually, you should laugh at me!).

I’m not saying we need to lower our standards. If you’re a TBGB reader you know that’s not what I’m about. (If this is your first time here read Superficial Fat Chicks or Can a Big Girl Date a Hot Guy). But I’m wondering if that 78% of men who would consider dating us is comprised of dudes that we’re passing up for reasons that don’t matter.

I’ve talked a million times about making little adjustments to my non negotiables for a man. As a 5’10 girl, deciding that I no longer needed a guy who was above 6 feet was huge for me. But guess what? If I was still holding onto that 6 foot rule, Robert, at 5’10 and 3/4, wouldn’t have made the cut.

A few years ago I was walking on 72nd and Broadway, ranting to myself about how I never attracted the “right” kind of guys. As I crossed the street, there was a tall man who worked for NYC Sanitation emptying a garbage can. Like this guy I thought to myself He’s probably attracted to me but… and before I could finish my thought, the sanitation worker told me I was beautiful and asked if he could call me. I politely declined, but if I were single and could do it again, I would give him a chance. 

I wrote him off based on his profession and that was wrong. He wasn’t bad looking, he could have been the most well read/caring man in the world and… he worked for the city which means he had health insurance!

My point is, before we whine that men are just passing us by, lets look around and make sure we’re not letting a good one go.

Just a thought!

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  • Niecyjenkins

    I agree with this. A LOT of them men I used to get approached by (and still do), I would never date. I mean if you’re old enough to be my daddy and you look it… Please don’t “holla!” That being said, I’m lucky. My perfect guy did approach me. Maybe I gave him a chance because I was um… inebriated (did I even spell that right?) and my defenses were down, my confidence was through the roof, and the girls were cooperating that night. But I haven’t looked back since. I love your blog!!

    • thebiggirlblog

      YES! I love it… I think “no grandpa’s” is a good rule though… hahaha

  • mague

    I’m still struggling to find the type of man that I want to date. There are always the men you SHOULD date because tons of reasons proove that they are good for you, and there are always the ones you like most who are not for you for tons of reasons, the first bieng they won’t make you happy. Adding the fact that I pick men btw the ones that are chosing me because it’s easier not being rejected and you’ll understand how dating is becoming more and more complicated for me.
    So your post make me reconsidering things and my dating history will certainly thank you.
    Ps: sorry if I’m hard to read, I’m french and my english hasn’t been used for a while. Anyway, I’m a huge fan of this blog that’s why I’ve dared commenting.

    • thebiggirlblog

      merci beaucoup!!!! xoxo

  • HP

    I’ve been on dating sites for years and I’ve literally had well over 1000 (yes 1000+) men message me. Probably 1 out of 25 I’d even think of messaging back. That makes me really picky I suppose but at the same time I don’t think so. I’m personally not attracted to black men, I have a bunch as friends but anything more than that I don’t know I just don’t find them attractive. So that gets rid of at least half of those messages. If you can’t speak or write correctly, at least enough to show me you graduated from high school, I want nothing to do with you! So that gets rid of another third. I also am not into overweight men, a little belly is okay but anything more than that, no. Things like height, certain color hair or eyes, job, none of that really matters to me too much. I’ve seen a lot of profiles and I just don’t feel anything when I see their picture. You don’t need to be a supermodel guy but I need to see something that strikes me, or what’s the point?

    My first boyfriend was, honestly, not someone who I would have given a second glance on the street. He was okay looking, but nothing special. My current boyfriend, he’s only 28 and he’s about half bald, I remember I had kind of skipped over the message he sent me, because I thought I’d need hair or whatever. Gave his profile another look, particularly his pictures, and I just thought he had the most beautiful eyes I’d ever seen. I’ve now been seeing him for over 5 months.

    I just don’t think anyone should be faulted for their physical preferences, you’re attracted to what you’re attracted to. Most men want someone with a similar physicality because that’s a huge part of who they are and they biologically want their children to be the same. As for the article, plus size is such a broad term now. No one wants an insecure woman whether she’s beautiful or average. But I also don’t think that most men would pass up the supermodel for a size 28 plus size woman. I’ve found that many, many men consider plus size models to be perfection. They’re curvy but healthy and of course beautiful, but many of those girls only go up to a size 16 max. Even size 12 is considered a plus size nowadays, so that article needs to be more clear.

    • JustMe

      I have to say that I totally agree–with the last point especially. Probably 78% of men don’t need a woman to be model-slim and are okay with a size 16.

      I’m one of those size 28 girls, and I get almost no real responses on dating sites. Also, I’m south asian in a very white city. I think the combination of being on the high end of plus size plus being ethnic = dating kryptonite. I only just started with some profiles, but the response has largely been spammers trying to con me. It’s disheartening, and after about a month, I’m giving up.

      • Msjenniferwoodard

        Just Me,

        Don’t give up so easily. many times we give up just before the good thing is about to happen, you have to give thing time. Try enjoying the experience and treating it as that, an experience. Don’t want for the men to approach you online, approach them, its easier than doing it in person and you only have a little time to lose. Sept outside yourself and enjoy the ride.

        Good luck to you,
        Jenn

        • JustMe

          This was so, so nice of you. (Sorry it took so long to respond.)

          I think for now, I’m just not ready. I still have some issues to sort out. And while I’m trying to not shut down completely, online dating may just not be for me. At least not for now. But honestly–thank you for being so kind.

  • yaqueen

    Cece, you always have posts that are right on time! I’ve been struggling with this subject lately – getting over a bad breakup and trying to figure out how to move on. It’s never been about looks for me – I’ve always been attracted to intelligence, wit and an adventurous spirit, particularly about *ahem* physical matters. When perusing online dating sites, I immediately discounted anyone who had poor written communication skills. But then I started to think – I work with alot of brilliant tech guys who are smart and funny but can’t write a decent paragraph. I started to think about the many men I work with who have college degrees who don’t write well but are great in person. Hmmmmm. So I’m trying to open my parameters a bit. And I’m one of those women who is not generally physically attracted to caucasian men – certainly a problem since most of the men I come into daily contact with are just that. But one of my best friends, who is caucasian, is all of the things I find attractive. He’s married though. Anyway, I’m trying to be a bit more open and relaxed – it will be interesting to see how this goes……

  • Ma5taGonz0

    I so agree… and its probably because I am part of the 78% who gets passed over 50% of the time. I notice M-F i’m dressed ideal because of the environment I work in ( Law Firm ), and I am usually on these days not paying mind to the opposite sex… and on weekends when I am dressed more casually and have the time… I get looked passed.

    P.S. – Don’t want me cause i’m booted and suited. and/or
    I will never be your type, but I can be the man of your dreams.

    • yaqueen

      Co-signing all the way….

  • JustMe

    This post is so…topical for me right now. I just signed up, for the first time, to a bunch of online dating sites. Terrified, but thought I should finally do it because I’m tired of being alone at 40.

    And this post describes the attitude I’ve had. Like I should be willing to talk to just about any guy, no matter his looks, no matter his education level, no matter whether or not I find him interesting at all. Just the fact that he’s willing to talk to me = I should give him a chance, because I’m a size 28 woman, who most men tend to ignore.

    After a few awkward interactions, I’ve decided to be much more selective. Not based on career or even on education. Looks have never mattered that much to me–and I like all types of guys. I do really really really like tall guys, but that’s not a requirement for me. (And at 5’4, it’s not hard to find guys who are taller than I am.) But at what point do I accept that it’s okay for me to want to find my mate physically attractive? And is it possible to find a guy that I’m attracted to who is also attracted to me?

    No answers, just more questions. But thank you for your thought-provoking post!

  • happinessisme

    It’s interesting because I too complain about never being hit on by guys./ However that simply isn’t true. I guess I get my fair share but I’m never hit on by eligible guys. But sometimes I am hit on by guys who are probably okay but in a split second I’m like, “nah” because they are a garbage man or something. Stupid right?

  • http://greatcelebrityfashion.blogspot.com/ Celebrities

    its true. because i also like plus size women.

  • Msjenniferwoodard

    I enjoyed the post. After a long hiatus I am looking to get back into the dating world and I am nervous. I am considering dating sites, but haven’t done it just yet. I find that the men who say something to me are short, (I am already probably going to be bigger than you, can’t be taller too), young ( Don’t want anyone that would fit in playing with my kids), or married (pass). That said, I don’t feel bad about men approaching me, I think that my confidence has a lot to do with it and my big breasts (lol). Next year I will be 45 and my boys are in high school and I decided to focus on my. I changed my eating habits, (lost almost 40 lbs so far), bought some clothes and shoes and pay more attention my hair (well I am combing it everyday now) and wear lip gloss and better looking glasses. the attention I begin to receive from men improved dramatically and I love it and I think it has a lot to do with the fact that I love me more. I try to remain positive and outgoing everyday and when I step out of my house it is with a bounce and a smile. One more great thing, the guy that I wanted before I made changes in my life a attitude has taken more notice and I am not quite as interested. I am actually better able to see some of the things that I don’t care about him that I wasn’t seeing before, like that he really doesn’t trat women very well.

    Keep on pushing ladies, size doesn’t have to matter. If he can’t see how great you are as a big girl, it is truly his loss.

    Jenn

  • Florence

    BAHHAHA! ” …which means he had health insurance!” BAHHAHAHAHAHA!

  • LC

    I definitely laughed out loud when you mention that he worked for the city and had health insurance. hahaha!!

  • Bianca

    I am a fairly successful PSP, I’m in my late 20s, have a corporate job and an MBA and I fully support myself. I am single and never married.. and I have to disagree with you on this point. It’s been my experience that when I date the men that “want to date me”, and they are usually not “on my level” as my friends/family have said time and time again, meaning they do not have college degrees or they work jobs such as Security Guard, etc… Well, although I am “cool with” their status in life and like them for who they are, they eventually cannot look past my success and feel very insecure in my presence. In my experience, the men really do everything they can to overcompensate or they start pretending to have some over-inflated confidence with me and put me down to make themselves feel better. Although I never want to accept my friends/family view that the guy is “not on my level” and that because of this “it won’t work out”… they have been right 100% of the time, and I’ve been left confused and/or brokenhearted. My new objective for dating is to only date men that are even more successful than me, then rather than feeling intimidated, they can inspire me to accomplish more. I say stick to your standards, don’t just settle for a guy who “wants to date you”.. just because you/I/we are PSPs doesn’t mean we deserve anything less than any other woman.

    • thebiggirlblog

      I agree with you 100% and have been through similar things. What you’re factoring in is very important. As I mentioned in this post, I’m talking about the things that don’t matter (which are different for every girl). I also made it clear that I’m NOT saying to lower our standards. There are blue collar dudes who can handle a “miss. Independent” and there are lawyers who can’t. As long as they’re truly on your level in the ways YOU need. I say go for it. xoxo

  • Michelle

    Well, my experience and a pretty happy story. I am size 16 and 5ft 9. In my country this is the lower end of plus size. Anyway.
    I used to get a lot of attention, mostly because I am usually fun at parties, not that I am good looking :D And I was kind of very picky, because, I know it may sound bad, but I was 27, I already wanted kids and to get married. Well, although being very picky, I picked for dating tall, nice looking guys with strong professions and education, and I was passing on short ones (the same height as me and below is what I consider short), no mather of their profession or level of education. That brought me to some very very bad dates, guys who wanted to change me to their image of perfection (to lose weight, to get another style of clothes, to get another profession even!) or who insulted me on not being smart enough or so on (I have a BA, and I am getting my master’s now and I speak 6 languages). And I was so disheartened that men were so bad, that I decided to stop dating at least for an year and after this I would consider shorter men. Well, that decision lasted 2 months :D, there was a party, I got a little drunk. And got to know a guy there. I was wearing 3 inch hig heels, and he was shorter than me. And I was going to pass on him, but he kissed me. Just like that, out of the blue. And I said to myself – if he can kiss a tall girl, why can’t I just give him a chance for a date or 2. 7 days later he moved to my place. He is an inch shorter, with a nice profession and masters in maths :) We’re TTC now and getting married in 2013.

  • http://twitter.com/FabFroChick FAB FRO CHICK

    i havent met a man who likes a plus size woman

  • http://voluptuouskate.wordpress.com/ Kate

    I did notice this in the magazine as well, but scoffed. It isn’t that I don’t think it’s true, but among the men we wouldn’t consider (whether they be uneducated, shorter, also overweight, etc) I had to wonder what men considered PS. Is a confident size 14 going to get more attention than the sullen, insecure size 2? Sure. However, in my experience, the size 20+ isn’t taken the same way. In theory, they would want to date her, in reality, many of those 78% would be embarrassed to take her out, but would be happy to be with her as friends with benefits, etc. There’s too many variables. They’d date a confident, pretty plus size girl, or one who fit all their other criteria, as long as she wasn’t too plus size, etc.

    Maybe I’m bitter. It just sounds like something they’re saying to sell it. You know, if he’d date a confident plus size girl, he’d date you “average” woman.

    I did end up with someone who (in theory) would not have dated a plus size girl. We were friends for a long time first, and the attraction came from there. Upon first glance, we both probably would have written one another off as not our type. All his other girlfriends had been petite girls with boyish figures and he weighed less than me, which usually was my criteria for not dating a man.

    • Miss_Maven

      This magazine artificle is completely misleading.

      First of all, plus size models and average plus size women look nothing a like. The average plus size model is 5’9 and size 12. The average American woman is 5’4 and size 14.

      And why does this article say “CONFIDENT plus size and INSECURE supermodel.” In real life and not some pretend magazine article men would date the supermodel 99% of the time no questions asked INCLUDING all her mental health problems she might come with.

      And in my experience, the undesirable men who are hitting on us on the street or cat calling us are doing so to every girl, not just PSP.

  • Courtney

    Thank you for sharing this. I am very lonely but I’ve taken myself off of online dating sites because I believe that the men who would want to date me are desperate or crazy. I never give the men who are interested a chance, but maybe I should.