Relationships: Overcoming Insecurity

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Last night I attended an artist showcase hosted by Roberts cousin. The event would be swarming with Roberts friends and family so I wanted to look cute. I managed to pull myself together in a black strapless maxi dress, wedge sandals, a chunky iridescent necklace and my new strapless bra (that kept “the twins” right where they needed to be).

When I arrived at the gallery, Robert introduced me to a few people I hadn’t met before and we settled into a pretty good night with music, spoken word and a fashion show along with cocktails and appetizers. I always like watching Robert interact with “his boys” so I pretty much played the background, listening and laughing when appropriate. As Robert talked with the guys, he would do little things like stroke my bare shoulder or lean over to explain who people were as they got up to perform.

In the middle of one set, a girl named Deena came over to Robert and his friends. After she said hello to everyone, Robert put his arm around me to pull me closer to the group, “Deena, you remember CeCe right? You met her a while back…”

“Oh yeah! How are you?” she said.

“I’m fine… good to see you!,” I replied, breaking free from Robert to hug her, “I need another glass of wine, can I get you anything?”

“Sure, actually I’ll come with you!” she said.

I made sure Robert didn’t need anything and then Deena and I headed to the bar. We ended up chatting by ourselves for a long time. She caught me up on her life since I had last seen her which included a new job, moving to a new apartment and a break up with her boyfriend. Robert caught my eye from across the room and I gave him a smile, letting him know that I was fine talking to Deena. We continued chatting about her dating life and how she felt about being back on the market, and then she said “what about you, are you seeing anyone?”

I almost spit out my wine, because I thought she was joking. But she just looked at me waiting for an answer. Once I realized she did not know that Robert and I were an item, I quickly said, “Well, um… yes. I am.” Deena wasn’t around Robert every day, but they catch up enough that she should know the answer to her question. I searched her eyes once more for any indication of a joke, but she just smiled.

“That’s nice, good for you” she said. And then changed the subject.

On the way home, I told Robert what happened. He frowned, “I don’t know why she’d ask you that, I’ve told her all about you. She knows we’re dating. Deena can be really… weird sometimes.”

Then Robert asked the million dollar question, “why didn’t you just tell her you’re seeing me?”

Something you all should know about me is that I am never good in the moment. Maybe it’s because I’m a Cancer, but I’m the type of person who will meet a crazy situation with complete silence and then 24 hours later think of a million things I wish I had said. While some people can confront any situation right away, I’m not like that. When I get upset or uncomfortable, my immediate reaction is to retreat. I need time to collect myself and pull my thoughts together before I can address things that bother me.

As I’m sitting here writing this story to you, I feel like an idiot for not just saying “Yes, I’m dating Robert”. It seems so simple! But one of Roberts friends (a female friend) not knowing that he and I are dating sent a swirl of questions into my head. Why doesn’t she know we’re dating? Isn’t it obvious that we’re together? Is he keeping it from Deena? Is he keeping it from other people?

Deena’s question sent me head first into an ocean of my own insecurities. I realized that although Robert has never given me any reason to feel like he was keeping our relationship a secret from anyone, there’s a part of me that is waiting for something outrageous like that to happen. I hear so many stories about Plus Size Princesses who get “played” by guys in one way or another. I’ve got my share of crazy dating stories and I think in the back of my mind I’m wondering if its possible for me to actually have a real/legit relationship. I think I’m waiting for the “catch” and so Deena’s question sent me into a bad place.

I hate that my insecurities give other people that kind of power.

Now, I’m realizing how personal insecurities can be detrimental to relationships and how important it is to work those things out as much as possible before we drag other people through unnecessary drama. This is something I need to work on.

Have any of you had your insecurities get in the way with your boyfriends/husbands/girlfriends? How did you address it?

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  • D in Vancity

    I’ve struggled throughout my dating life with insecurities – insecurities due to my size and due to how I’ve been treated by men in the past. It’s a hard hurdle to get over. I know that for the men I’ve dated my size hasn’t been an issue (they’re obviously attracted to me), but I’ve been in situations like yours countless times before. You second yourself. and your worth. You project your thoughts onto others and it’s so damaging. Insecurities make us live an unfulfilled life. They pull us back from engaging with the world and with people. It’s hard to come up with a response in a moment when you’re caught off guard – and that’s okay. I think the import thing is that you’re reflecting on it and getting to what the reason was for your silence. You’ll be able to have a conversation with yourself and challenge it the next time you come across this type of situation.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=502308041 Danielle Bowling

    I’m horrible about relationship insecurities as well as personal insecurities. Just last month my boyfriend’s coworker whom was out drinking with us told me that my boyfriend was cheating on me and talking to other girls. He said he didn’t want me to get upset or tell him. I thought, you’re crazy! You don’t tell someone their significant other is cheating then expect them not to ask or get upset about it. Of course I asked and so that turned into a mess of things about me assuming things about him and being so insecure. Which I knew that what his coworker said couldn’t be right because my boyfriend doesn’t have time to cheat. I take him to work and pick him up, we’re together every time after that. Also my boyfriend assures me that he’d leave me before he cheated on me, which somehow doesn’t make me feel any better, ha ha. And so now I’m having to overcome assuming he’s talking to other girls when he’s texting his friends. *Sigh* I never had a doubt in the world til his coworker said something to doubt his loyalty. :-/

  • April

    I’ve had several situations in which I let insecurities get in the way, but I’d like to share one in which I am very proud of how I handled it. I have been a PSP all my life, from a size 16 at my smallest to a 22 at my largest. I am currently an 18-20 depending on the garment. About 4 years ago I went out with a group of coworkers. I ended up meeting a guy & we ended up dating for almost 6 months. All I can say is that he must have really been interested in me that night because he approached me, spent several hours talking to me, got my number, & went out to eat with our group after leaving the club…
    Several days later at work, one co-worker approached me & said something along the lines of, “Wow, what do you do, just sit there & look cute to get the guys?”. My immediate thought was that she never would have asked me that if I were not a PSP & I found that offensive. So I looked her in the eye and said with all seriousness, “Yes, that’s exactly what I do.”. The look on her face was priceless! I guess it was unfathomable to her, a slim woman, that a PSP would get approached by a man out in public. She never asked me anything else, lol…

  • Chubbyshix

    Wow… Someone on this planet knows how I feel.
    “I hate that my insecurities give other people that kind of power.” that statement just described ALL my relationships. I love your blog :)

  • yaqueen

    Good post. My ex was a personal trainer and he managed a gym. And I NEVER went to the gym to work out, no matter how many times he mentioned. He finally stopped asking. When we broke up, it was one of the things he mentioned. I couldn’t figure out how to tell him that I didn’t want women interested in him to see me all sweaty and not cute and probably much bigger than most of them – isn’t that crazy?! In retrospect, it seems REALLY crazy. Because I know that he thought of me as a confident woman and I usually am. But some things just bring it up. (And women often came on to him in my presence, even when he was holding my hand or something. It drove me crazy.) Ah, you live and you learn. It made me feel better to reach this Cece, thank you.

  • Casey Leigh

    Ha! Do I know about insecurity in a relationship. I have been cheated on by everyone except the love of my life. I never thought I had a problem with it until I started having dreams about my love, only he was the complete opposite of who he really is. He had an alter ego in my mind doing things like making out with my best friend on front of me, leaving me with an accidental pregnancy, and plain out cheating on me with his ex or any other woman my mind could conjure up. My boyfriend called me out one day and asked where my insecurities stemmed from. Once I spoke to him about it and explained that I dont really expect him to be his alter ego, he reassured me that I am his one and only. I say talk to Robert about your insecurities and where they came from, not just that you have them. The key to any successful relationship, PSP or not, is healthy and open communication. :) Good luck, if it’s right, he is worth letting down a wall or two for.

  • Heather

    I just stumbled upon your website yesterday and am in love! I am a 41 yr old PSP who looks much younger…I am currently in a relationship that I hope leads to marriage again. I was shy and quiet in high school…who would want to date or be friends with the fat girl were the negative thoughts that constantly were on repeat in my mind. In my 20′s I lost weight, my smallest probably being a misses 14, and damn I was a head turner! Things have happened in my life, marriage, babies, nervous breakdown, stress and with each my weight went either up or down. Right now I am currently at my highest, but probably at my happiest. You see, I have let go of a lot of insecurities, I know who I am and am proud of it. Last year I got a Facebook message from someone in high school. I didn’t really remember who he was, but he was in my class so I returned the message. It turned out that I was his high school dream girl…the same girl who I thought no one would ever ask out. We met and began a beautiful friendship. Fast forward one year, and we are in an amazing relationship and have recently moved in together. He still thinks I am the most beautiful girl in the world and he never has even known me in my “skinny” days. I am currently in the most stable, secure, completely satifying relationship in my life. I am in love with my best friend.

    I know I have gone off topic, but really I think the beauty of it will be found in your own self-discovery. I have learned so much about myself after some rough years…no never drugs or alcohol or abuse. I did therapy for awhile, but didn’t think it really helped me….until about a year after I stopped going…I finally felt worthy. I knew what I wanted and deserved and now I don’t settle for less. Do I still analyze my body size? Absolutely, but I know I still turn a few heads…especially of one very special man who tells me how beautiful I am every day.

    Believe in yourself ladies, you deserve nothing less.

    • Pam

      Gosh Heather, I love your story. I can only hope I know such happiness and personal contentment one day. All the best to you.

      Love your story too CeCe! This blog gives me such a warm glow and always helps me to build on my own self love, its like a little boost of confidence every now and again.
      Thanks!

  • Klorite

    Lol CeCe I swear we are the same person, and now that I know you’re a cancer too I am almost sure we’re twins. It can be really really hard fighting you’re own insecurities in a relationship, especially when you have been in an unhealthy one before. I always say most women are crazy for a reason lol.

  • http://twitter.com/misstaylorcast Miss. Taylor Cast

    oh man! this kinda sucks. i recently had a moment the other night out with my boyfriend and his friends when a sudden insecurity washed over me and i imagined that my bf and his female friend had a past and was unnecessarily jealous. i asked he told me they had no past and i realized it was me being ridiculous. the point it it happens to the best of us. next time just be sure to stand your ground darling.

  • DutchieGirl

    So recognizeable! Your own insecurities are your worst enemy, my hairdresser calls it “the enemy within”. She also says “no one can put you down without your consent”. It took me a while to figure out that one, but it is so true!
    Amd yet, every once in a while someone like Deena comes along, asking something innocent enough that throws me into an ocean of my own insecurities.

    Keep writing them blogs, CeCe, for I find them really supportive in my own life!

  • pe.riche.

    Excuses my language, but she was just being a b*tch. And in my opinion, you’re answer was totally fine. She knew the pair of you are an item. Now, why she did this? She’s probably jealous that you and your beau have such a loving, caring relationship.

    Don’t let the insecurity of others become your own. If you and your beau are as joyous as I think you are, revel in the wonderful connection that the pair of you have, and don’t dwell on the pettiness of others.

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