Future Husbands & Unicorns

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“I’m just… ready!” a quirky brunette said to her red-head friend.

It was 6:15 and we were all rushing to get dressed for our 6:30 kickboxing class at the gym. While I peeled off my work clothes, I tuned in as the girl and her friend continued chatting.

“I’ve been single for too long, I’m ready to start dating and get married!”

“Have you tried Match.com? That’s where I met Steve…”

“No, I don’t want to do the internet thing, I’ve actually emailed all my friends to ask them to set me up with one guy that they know. I figure, if all of my friends do that– I’ll go on at least 21 dates. In 21 dates I’m sure to find him!”

“Oh, wow…”

“Honestly, I just have this feeling that whoever my future husband is… I wont meet him online. In my heart I feel like one of my friends know him… like he’s already a part of my circle but I just haven’t met him for some reason!”

Eavesdropping listening to that conversation made me cringe a little. There are plenty of books and blogs dedicated to “My Future Husband” but as I read them and listen to single girls (like the one at my gym), I can’t help but wonder if we’re taking the “Future Husband” thing to another level.

Personifying Mr. Future Husband can be dangerous. Making Mr. Future Husband this mythical person that we write to and make lists about can become tricky… I know from experience.

When I first moved to NYC, every chance encounter with a man had me wondering if he was The One. I would memorize every detail of my initial interactions with members of the opposite sex, just in case I needed to recant them in a “how we met” story.  None of these chance encounters turned out to be anything more than… chance encounters.

I was constantly wondering about my future husband. But soon wondering turned into envisioning… and there’s a big difference between the two. Wondering still leaves room for reality, envisioning does not. Soon I was painting a picture of this perfect man with all of the qualities that I thought were necessary. Once I had a picture of “him” in my mind, I found myself actually looking for “him”.

Before I knew it, I stopped being open to all the men that crossed my path. I would rule out men that did not look like “him”, act like “him” or work the type of job “he” would work. I had no idea that I had created a man so perfect that he didn’t exist. Instead of interacting with the real men in New York City, I spent my time chasing a Unicorn named “My Future Husband”.

I’m not sure when I stopped chasing unicorns, but I did. Maybe it was when I realized that my lofty expectations were making it impossible for me to date. Maybe it was when I realized that unicorn hunting made me look just a little bit desperate and guys could sense it from a mile away. Maybe it was when I realized that none of the guys I was interested in over the course of my life were as perfect as the future husband I’d created in my head.

Anyway, I stopped envisioning “him” and instead focused on my three non-negotiables: Tall, Smart and Christian… and over time “tall” was modified to “taller than me” because I’d hate to miss out on a great guy because he’s 5’11 and not 6’1.

I wanted to share all of this with the girl at the gym, but she didn’t ask my opinion, so I’m sharing it with you instead!

Do any of you write to/think about/envision your future husbands? Married ladies, is your husband what you imagined?

Chime in below!

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  • http://twitter.com/mrh1921 Jackie Gillespie

    I did the same thing. I created a mythical creature and a few times found it’s second cousin twice removed to go out on a date with. However I found myself settling for a bad attitude, or lousy treatment because he had the right job, or the right look, or was somebody I knew my mother would approve of.

    Eventually I gave up on my unicorn and couldn’t be happier for it. The man I’m with now loves me for all the right reasons, but funny enough, isn’t anything I thought my Mr. Perfect would be.

  • Samantha Stein

    As a teenager, I wanted a tall, dark handsome man, preferably who played guitar and sang (modeled after the gorgeous older brother of my best friend). In college, I fell in love with a not-so-tall, blond man with piercing blue eyes who does not play guitar or sing well, and we got married. I worry when my friends have a “check list” for characteristics – it’s hard to meet someone who will fit every criteria but the WHOLE package is so much more important. And what if my now-husband had a “list” that said he would only marry someone shorter than him, and thin? I would not have fit the bill then and certainly not now that I’m pregnant with our third baby! But we are so in love, after close to 7 years of marriage, and I’m just glad that we were both open falling to in love with each other when we met 9 years ago.

  • Jeni Marisello

    my husband is everything I said I didn’t want (physically) but in the end I learned that it’s everything that he does have, that made me fall for him. And I wouldn’t trade him in for Christain Slater…(I don’t think…:) )

  • http://twitter.com/FatGirlvsWorld FatGirlvsWorld

    I think it’s important for girls to know what they’re looking for, but not to the exclusion of paying attention to how any guy makes you feel.

    • enewknew

      interesting thought. i’d love to hear you expound on this one…

    • Anonymous

      Agreed!

  • Cristen

    Sure, I have envisioned & written to my future husband. I do have a list of non-negotiables. Just like you, dude’s gotta be a Christian,smart,and taller than me. I am 32 and still think about my future hubsta;) However, I just started dating an awesome guy w/those qualities +more. God is good…I try to remind myself that it’s in His timing. And…I love your blog. xo

    • Anonymous

      He is good! and His timing is impeccable, even though it’s always different from our timing lol ;-)

  • carpediem

    Those are my exact three non-negotiables!! Still hard to find (but I’m 6′ tall, so maybe the pool is that much smaller? :))

  • Niecyjenkins

    I had no clue what my future husband would look like and never gave it much thought until I met him in the club and got to know him. He embodied everything I valued in a friend with great sex! He had kids before I met him so getting to know him I found out he was an awesome father, he took his commitments seriously, he was dependable, smart, loving, affectionate, he really put in work (and continues) to make me happy. He totally knocked me off my feet. When I met him, I was having too much fun to settle down but I’m glad I kept my eyes wide open just in case. :-)

    • Niecyjenkins

      I actually spoke to him on the phone for a few months after we first met, then would casually see him for a few months… So it took our relationship about a year to get physical. I was not looking to settle down! LOL

  • MD

    I’m 6′ tall and have lived in the States AND Europe and let me tell you, sometimes it is like chasing unicorns to find a guy that’s just taller than me, FAITHFUL, respectful, funny, and employed (I don’t care what the job is as long as he has one). In Chicago I joined a social club for tall people and I met the biggest bunch of pervs. Out here in NYC, I get a bunch of guys that are shorter than me but I can’t date them because I feel too manly around them (like I said, I’m 6′ tall and I’m a bigger girl so I need a guy with “meat” to make me feel not quite so big). I know if I could get over my rule of not dating someone shorter than me, then I would drastically widen the dating pool but I just can’t. I’ve tried a couple of times and it ends up bothering me so much I have to break up with them. I don’t think I have an unreasonable or outrageous checklist because I’m really not all that picky. I know my absolute dream guy doesn’t exist and that’s totally ok, that’s why he’s a DREAM GUY but, I would take a real life nice, tall guy and a healthy loving relationship any day over Mr. Dreamy.

  • http://treacletalks.com/ treacle

    Hello – I found your blog via Hilarity. Refreshing to read a post and discussion that focuses on this subject in a new way.

  • Dezzie

    My ideas of the ideal husband all happened in middle school and high school, all things Tv shows told me what was attractive lol. Once I got out of high school I focused on personality, intelligence and more mental things. The guy I’m currently with does not match to my 12 year old self but I love him more for it. I didn’t go looking for him, he just popped up outta no where. I think looking for mister right causes disappointment and heartache, like that song, “looking for love in all the wrong places.”

    There isn’t a certain age you need to be married or have kids, patience is a virtue. Have a little fun :)

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  • GoneShoeShopping

    Love your blog CeCe – I am reader all the way from Australia. This is a very interesting topic. I think most girls have a picture of “him” in their minds, but when it ventures into rejecting guys who don’t fit the exact picture, it’s unhealthy. In my early 30s I started looking out for one main thing: character. Not looks, not style, not job, not height. I started looking for someone reliable, good-hearted, funny, honorable, open. It definitely helped refine my search as I was often blinded by 6 foot 3 guys in cool eyewear and funky shoes who treated me like sh*t. I found my husband 2 years later, and am lucky to say he’s cute too.

  • http://thebelatedbloomer.blogspot.com/ BelatedBloomer

    OMGosh! My eyes like popped almost out when I read your 3 non-negotiables! We have the same top 3! Tall (anyone taller than my 5’6″ here in the Philippines is already considered tall!), smart and Christian. Awesome!

    But lately, the tall part is slowly going down my list of requirements and responsible is going up. I don’t care that much anymore if he’s shorter than me. Thing is, if the guy is potentially a good partner in life, I’ll take the smaller, so long as it’s the upgraded version anytime.

    –BelatedBloomer

    • Anonymous

      Wow– I love that! xoxo

  • Rose Pink

    Hi, I think we all looking for the perfect man I want the reflection of my soul, somebody caring honest faithful man & I think if you believe it deep in your heart it will happen and **Bob Protector** say if you see it in your mind,you’re going to hold in your hand & **John Assaraf**said what most people don’t understand is that our thoughts has a frequency.We can measure a thought.and at the end said if you’re imagining what that looks like,you’re emitting that frequency on a consistent basis, and if you ask, believe & you receive, you can buy**The Secret** book for the author Rhonda Byrne** i bought 3 of her books 1st one*The Secret** the 2sd ** The Power** & the 3rd one is **The Magic** read it can open your eyes on a lot of things in life and this can help you a lot I believe it and now im in process to believe that it work I wrote what future man i want him to be & u have to believe it you like a magnet or a tower the frequency and the positive energy you send out it can attract like your though i cant explain it very well go to barn and noble or search it online before u buy and you will see what i mean good luck to you from deep in my heart but trust me these books the most wonderful successful people in the world had follow from thousand years and thats why we know about them cause they follow the law of attraction <3 good luck we all are going through that you are not alone and i sure there is a lot wonderful men looking for women like us but u have to believe it it out there with positive energy love Rose