Fat Girl Flash Back: Back-to-School Fantasies

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As many of you know, I’m in California for Christmas (hence the sparse blog posts and tweets… sorry about that!). This year, I was able to come home for a whooping 20 days! 20 days to spend with my parents, sisters and a few friends… more importantly, 20 days off from my day job! *cartwheel*

As I planned my trip and the things I wanted to do while I was home, I found myself focusing on how much time I would have to exercise. 20 days on vacation, I’d have no excuse not to hit the gym regularly while I was home. My train of thought went a little like this: 20 days of vacation… if I worked out every day… I could lose a good amount of weight… at least 5 pounds… maybe even 10… If I could lose 10 pounds, when I got back to work I could be noticeably smaller!

So I’ve been home now for eight days and I’ve worked out three times. Being home has also changed my eating patterns, I’m eating more rich holiday foods. Needless to say I have not lost 10 pounds… or 5 pounds.

But this post isn’t about beating myself up for choosing family and friends over the gym, this post is about patterns.

The fantasy I slipped into about being away for a long period of time and returning as a skinnier version of myself is one I think I’ve been having since I was 11 or 12. Every year on the last day of school, I would commit to starving myself everyday of summer vacation so that when I returned to school the next year, I’d be unrecognizably skinny.

In my junior high fantasies, my starvation would make me so thin that the kids would think I was “the new girl”. Boys who saw me as “just a friend” would suddenly find themselves crushing on me. Life would be… different.

Attending a performing arts high school, the fantasy changed a bit. I was constantly cast as someone’s mother or an old lady because, “the heavier you are the older you look”. But I was desperate to play a lead. Although, I had the singing voice– I knew that at my size, a lead role would never ever happen, so each year I would fantasize about walking into the auditions at the beginning of the year and causing an upset when I stole the leading part from the skinny girls who didn’t even see me as competition.

Every summer, I thwarted my own get skinny scheme one way or another. At that age, I didn’t understand the importance of exercise and starving myself while being on summer break was a plan that was destined to fail.

Oddly enough, I did lose a lot of weight in high school but it was accidentally and during the school year. I drove myself to the gym every day after school because it was the one place I could go without asking my parents permission. I did that every single day for nine months and lost 50 pounds. I didn’t even know I’d lost weight until a teacher complimented me on it.

Obviously my life experiences have shown me that the fantasy of losing a substantial amount of weight while on vacation is pretty ridiculous, but in the spirit of weight loss shows and teenage make-over movies, somehow I can’t stop hoping that one day I’ll pull it off. The better goal is to focus on maintaining my weight in the land of Mexican food and In-N-Out burgers… and with that– I’m off to the gym!

Did any of YOU have back-to-school weight loss fantasies growing up?

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  • http://www.facebook.com/piperdavenport Piper Maria Davenport

    CeCe, weight loss is very complicated. I’m sorry that you were bullied and teased. I hope you are losing weight for the right reason, and not to make other people happy. There is a fantasy of being thin that often leads to extreme choices among plus-size women. You have to love yourself first, and then if you truly believe that weight-loss is the answer, then go for it but it will not lead to lasting happiness, as most diets fail within 5 years, unless you are the 2% of Americans for whom weight-loss is primarily genetic. For most, weight loss is not attainable because of genetics. Good luck on your journey!

    • http://www.alltheweigh.com/ Kenz

      What a horrifically sad comment…I’ve managed to keep 100 pounds off, and it has nothing to do with genetics…I need to lose more, but I’m living my life for me…and CeCe seems to be doing the same.

    • http://twitter.com/thebiggirlblog The Big Girl Blog

      Hey Piper, I hope I didn’t make it seem like I was bullied/teased… I was mostly just “always the friend” but everyone was nice to me. I’m losing weight slowly but surely :-)

      xoxo

  • yummy.P

    yep i think i have the same problem…
    all around me girls are curvy, thin and all
    since my 3rd class of high school i am one of the heaviest
    i used to starve myself for days, to vomit all my food…
    at a moment i thought i was over but these days i have the bad tendency to just eat little spoons of food, no sweets,cakes, chocolate really hard coz i like it.since i’m in college, i’m hiding myself of mirrors
    and each holiday, i dream about coming back with less weight, i plan food, exercise and all BUT!!!
    usually when i come back i have some more kg or i’m just at the same point…
    just tired sometime…it’s killing me coz i’m not enjoying at all my life i’m 22 and i’ve always been ashamed of my body…

    • http://twitter.com/thebiggirlblog The Big Girl Blog

      What your talking about sounds like an eating disorder and it breaks my heart that you’re doing that to yourself.

      No matter what your size, being ashamed of your body is no way to live.

      Let me know if you want to talk to someone about your body image issues.

  • http://www.alltheweigh.com/ Kenlie

    And now, for my stance…I didn’t have those fantasies as a kid, but I do dream about being at my goal weight. And after being almost halfway there for about a year, I’m trying to start moving toward it again…

    I hope I wasn’t offensive to Piper a minute ago…I didn’t intend to be…we just see the world differently, I guess…

    Anyway, here’s to family and fun and the gym…..Enjoy the rest of your trip. My next trip is back to NY in January, but I don’t plan on losing much while I’m there…Maintaining will be a good thing for me. ;)

    • http://twitter.com/thebiggirlblog The Big Girl Blog

      You weren’t offensive at all! This is a safe space and we all have our ways of looking at weight loss. I look up to you so much for everything you’ve done and your outlook on things. I’m hoping to see big results from all of my small changes in 2012 so I can be like you when I grow up!

      *smooch*

  • Tweekalina2

    Yes, definitely had dreams of losing weight during extended holidays, vacations, etc., but they never really came true. They were always for the benefit of others, sadly. Coming back or others coming back to see a ”new, acceptable” me. It’s silly and I laugh about it because it occasionally happens now but I figure that I impress the people I have in my life enough if they’re still in it. :-)

    • http://twitter.com/thebiggirlblog The Big Girl Blog

      Its soooo true, no one in my life is looking at my weight as much as I am– and that’s a good thing!

  • Michael Ann Riley

    Yes, I sure did. Just like that. Every summer. I wanted to go to one of those “fat camps” so bad but never told my parents or anyone, so that wasn’t going to happen. Funny thing is? I wasn’t fat. I just thought I was because I wasn’t SKINNY skinny and because my mom was always worrying about her weight (she wasn’t fat either) and we would go on diets together. Terrible. She set me up for years of eating disorders. Luckily I got over those.

    • http://twitter.com/thebiggirlblog The Big Girl Blog

      OMG… Fat Camp!!! I didn’t even know those existed, but I would have been all over that back in the day. As long as I went in secret and no one found out ;-)

  • Dena

    I always had this fantasy haha. I still do. I was never bullied or teased for my size. I actually always thought I was awesome haha, but I’ve always been over weight as well. I don’t know how I expected to be able to lose weight over these breaks haha, but it always seemed like a good idea to me. I even managed to have some success trying this in college one summer. I lost thirty five pounds, but I worked out almost everyday. When I got back to school and work in the fall I gained every bit back because I didn’t have time to spend at the gym. I’m thinking weight loss over breaks when you don’t have to do anything else is just a trick haha. I gotta figure out how to do it when I am busy.

    • http://twitter.com/thebiggirlblog The Big Girl Blog

      Yeah– I was never bullied either but I was obsessed. Maybe too many movies like “she’s all that” haha. Losing the extreme way has never stuck for me, so I’m constantly trying to do it while living a “normal” life. We’ll figure it out! xoxo

      • Dena

        She’s All That definitey contributed haha.

  • http://twitter.com/BhamJen Jennifer Dome

    Oh my gosh, I had those fantasies all the time!! I still have them, in fact. I think, oh, by this vacation with my family I could lose 20 lbs. and they’ll be so happy and proud of me! Sometimes I do succeed and it does happen. But as I’ve gotten older I’ve realized I need other goals for losing weight besides impressing others. It’s about me and my health and my desire to feel better about myself.

  • Alise

    Dear Celeste, I am a girl from Singapore, 18 years old. Singapore is an Asian country where the average weight for girls is 90 pounds regardless of height (though nobody is much taller than 5 ft 7). I am fat–BMI of 26. My parents scold me for hours everyday of being fat and they tell me to go die. I don’t know why I’m upset, seeing as how when my classmates taunt me I didn’t really care, but anyway, I don’t think I can ever be skinny. My parents just want a pretty daughter who can marry a rich man. I have vowed never to marry and I have never liked a guy (or girl) because I believe I will end up like my parents, so I don’t really put much effort in trying to be skinny and pretty. So should I just go and die? Thanks.

    • Anonymous

      You should NOT go and die… There’s more to life than being skinny or married! I think you already know that ;-) keep focused on your education that’s the ticket to a full life. xoxo

  • Charlotte Esmee

    I’m afraid I’m living this fantasy as we speak. Right now I’ve just entered my third (and sadly final) week of my 3 week x-mas break. Obviously I had great expectations of what I could achieve with my weight in nearly a month but I’m sad to say that, because of all the holiday joy, I’ve gained a bit instead of losing the intended 10 pounds… I am still hoping that I’ll go back to uni a little lighter then I left before the break though. With my fingers crossed, my feet on the treadmill and healthy food it should work right?

  • Vaishnavi Nagarajan Rayapalaya

    Hello…New here…from India & loving your posts! I have this even now although I’m not on break. I went from being skinny to being obese (now) and I badly want to get back to being skinny again :( And take my revenge on those who smirked at me, rather who “are” amirking at me.