Curvy Conversations: Getting Back at An Ex

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Dear CeCe,

Hi, I am seventeen and a plus size princess. Recently I made a decision to lose my virginity to a boy who I wasn’t even dating but I was upset from a breakup and not really thinking. After we did the deed he said that after we hung out some more that maybe we could become more. I know this is backwards and not how things should go, but I wanted to be more with him even if it was backwards. We’ve texted some but it’s not really a conversation and we try to hang out. Recently though I saw a status online about how the girl he loves he’ll never get back and if she’s reading this he’s so sorry. I don’t know if I should keep wanting to hang out with him and trying to be more or if I should stop talking to him and move on. (If you can’t reply I understand :))
M
Hey M,
Thanks so much for writing to me, it seems like you’re going through a rough time. Something in your letter stuck out to me– it’s not necessarily what you were asking about, but I think its important to discuss.
In your letter you said that you gave up your virginity because you were “upset from a breakup and not really thinking.”
As women, sometimes when a man upsets us we decide to do outrageous things to punish them. We go out and get drunk… we hook up with a random guy… we pour our hearts out on facebook… all in the hopes that we can hurt him as much as he’s hurt us.
Guess what? It doesn’t work.
If a guy has gone as far as to hurt you, break up with you, or make you feel bad about yourself he’s already moved towards not caring about you. So you making a rash decision will only hurt one person– you.
Using your story, it sounds like your ex-boyfriend really broke your heart. So, you slept with another guy (lost your virginity to him and understandably got attached) but neither of these guys were as invested in your actions as you were. Guy #1 probably isn’t in a corner crying because you slept with guy #2 and guy #2′s heart seems to belong to someone else. Instead of feeling better, it seems to me that you feel worse and all because you let the way a guy treated you dictate your actions.
You’re not the only girl who has ever done this, I know I’ve done this plenty of times. But every single time, the pain I intended for someone else ended up in my own heart.
Should you move on from the guy who you slept with? Probably… but the bigger lesson is to value yourself, your body and as painful as it is when a guy hurts you, remember that it’s better to sit with that pain (and that pain will subside) than to try to do something crazy to get back at him. It NEVER works and you only end up feeling worse.
Any one else have advice for our little PSP?
xoxo,
CeCe
CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com
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  • http://zombieloveaffair.blogspot.com Danielle

    I would never talk to the guy you lost your virginity to again. Its seems like he just hooked you with the “Maybe we can be something more” but only after he got what he wanted: sex. Especially after seeing the online status, don’t bother with him. I’ve been dating for a long time, and early sex NEVER turned into a relationship.

    The only thing to do is work on you now. Work on making yourself happy and pushing through all this. Working out, find a new hobby, do whatever to keep yourself happy until you realize that you being happy and over him is the best revenge for an ex.

  • http://bexxxtacy.blogspot.com Bexxx

    When I was in high school, I was absolutely in LOVE with a guy who continued to lead me on while I slept with him. I was so foolish and blinded that I even continued to sleep with him when he was dating another girl because he would tell me he was just dating her “because he had to” and I was the one he really liked. UGH! Embarrassing now.

    This went on for about 3 years, I think. My freshman year in college, I started dating the boy I’m dating now and was finally able to release the hold I had but it wasted so much of my life and still makes me cringe to look back on. Quit now while you still can because if he really thinks there could be more, there would be more already. Good luck, I know how hard it can be!

  • Clara

    Great advice, CeCe. I would just add that M should be kind to herself. It sounds like she feels bad about the way she lost her virginity — but you know what? I would say that for most women, it’s never a perfect experience. We live in a world that says that losing your virginity should be this absolutely magical experience with your one true love (you know, like it was for Edward and Bella in Twilight, of course!). But the truth is that for most women, it’s an awkward experience. It’s often not with the perfect guy who is the love of your life or in a beautiful setting or with soft lighting and romantic music. And that’s perfectly fine. Don’t spend the rest of your life (or, really, even one more minute) regretting it; instead, use it to find out what you really want in a partner.

    Also, go with your instincts. I think most girls at seventeen believe that having a boyfriend is the most important thing in the world — or, at least, that it should be a major priority. But it sounds like you feel obligated to stay with this guy just because you lost your virginity to him. And if the thought of continuing to hang out with him makes you feel uncomfortable, or if it feels like you’re trying to force a relationship that isn’t happening naturally, then don’t. Just move on. Don’t beat yourself up over Guy #1 or Guy #2. Focus on doing things that you love and spending time with people who care about you. I promise that when you do find a guy who truly respects and loves you, you won’t give a second thought on either Guy #1 or Guy #2.

  • Stacey

    When someone does something to me and I wish to take revenge, instead, I sit tight and tell myself “karma’s a bitch” and I know it will come back to hit them in the face eventually. Karma always catches up to you one way or the other.

    So drop both guy#1 and #2, and move on with your life. You definitely deserve better than either of them :)

  • http://delightfulshrinking.com Amy

    I completely agree with Clara– I think for most girls, PSP or skinny minnie, losing your virginity is rarely the epitome of the culturally crafted “ideal experience.” I would say let it go, and let both of those guys go. Losing your virginity to him only makes him special if you let it.

    It might not feel like it right now, but you can do better than a jerk that leads you on. Even if he’s perfect to you in every other way– in your head does your ideal man treat anyone the way guy #1 or #2 has treated you? Ring in the new year with confidence as a proud, single PSP with a lot of great (and not so great) guys left to date! And maybe get a slammin new dress to wear for the ocassion ;) There are a lot of fun Little Black Dress giveaways going on right now. I’m doing one over at my blog (http://bit.ly/ubrJHp). You should totally check it out! I know it’s hard, but you’ll feel better if you let yourself move on, M. Good luck!!