What Would You Do?

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Robert and I were walking hand in hand up first avenue. After a fantastic wedding, a large group of my best friend’s wedding guests were headed to a nearby bar that had been reserved for the “after party”.

Walking around New York City in a large group is tricky and ultimately people get split up. Robert and I ended up straggling far behind the group when I noticed Kenzie was up ahead talking to Ben. Ben was the live-in boyfriend of Lisa, one of our friends from high school.

Just ask I was about to call out and ask where Lisa was; I saw Ben reach out, slip his arm around Kenzie’s waist and let his hand slide down over her butt.

“What are you DOING?” I yelled out, my inhibitions had clearly dissolved with all of the champagne from the wedding. Ben turned around, saw me and immediately jogged away, leaving Kenzie on the corner as Robert and I approached.

“What was that?” I said to Kenzie, who was clearly wasted.

“iii wasssn annnthing,” she slurred waving me away.

I was livid.

Ben was getting close to (and in my opinion, taking advantage of) my friend Kenzie, while at the same time betraying my friend Lisa. I was angry for both my friends sakes and I was frustrated because I was the only one who had seen it.

I looked to Robert for advice, “I have to tell her…  right? I mean, I have to tell her…” I kept saying.

“Okay,” he replied, “but I don’t think now is the time…”

We entered the bar and there were Ben and Lisa, coupled up in the corner. Ben wouldn’t meet my eyes and Roberts steady hand on my back kept me from screaming at him. We partied into the night as if nothing happened. Kenzie met another guy, Ben was the life of the party and I had a good time despite the feeling of dread in my stomach.

Lisa and Ben flew out the next morning and I’ve been trying to figure out what to do ever since. I care about her and I know that she thinks Ben is The One but if it were me, I would want to know that my boyfriend was fondling another chick when I wasn’t around. Lisa and I are the type of friends that only see each other on holidays– is it weird for me to call her our of the blue with random bad news?

Should I say something? Leave it alone?

I’m really struggling here….

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  • http://indigeneart.com/blog Indigene

    Just realize, if you do, you may possibly lose the friendship of all three people involved. You have to ask, yourself what is more important:

    Your need to justify your feeling of justice;
    Your friendship with one or more of them;
    Or your feelings, of you’d want to know, if it was happening to you;
    Is the pain of telling or keeping it to yourself greater.

    After you’ve honestly weighed all of that, do what your soul tells you to do, because I believe that different things apply to different sets of circumstances and people.

    I wish you peace in your decision.

  • http://mealgasm.blogspot.com Christine

    I would say something- at least then she can make an informed decision. I probably would only mention what Ben did and not Kenzie’s reaction though.

  • Sab

    i think approaching Ben might be the best thing to do. Tell him what you saw and what you think he should do. Letting him know that you know and that you want to tell Lisa may either scare him straight or let him come clean about what he did to her. Either way it’s up to Lisa and not you to end the relationship.

  • HP

    While I don’t agree with what he did, and if I was dating him he’d have a piece of my mind, right now it seems like an isolated incident and one in which everyone was intoxicated. Is he the type that would stray otherwise? Do you know if he has a past history of infidelity? The signs are usually present, and easily recognizable long before the problem presents itself. Maybe he is just a bigger flirt with alcohol, the same goes with your friend Kenzie.

    I agree in approaching him and not Lisa about the situation. If this was a one time thing well then he messed up and life goes on. But if he is a cheater behind closed doors the fact that you could get Lisa to pry on him, by telling her, could either scare him straight or guilt him. If he truly cares for her, then that will be obvious. Either way the answer lies with him. It’s better to avoid any unnecessary heartache for something so small. Now if you had caught him making out with Kenzie at the party… well than that would be an entirely different story.

  • C

    Oh, what a hard situation!

    I agree with the comments saying you should approach Ben first, letting him know to come clean or you will come clean for him. I have been in the Lisa part of this triangle, and when my friend told me the indiscretion she witnessed I was very thankful. I think the kind of girl who would let this threaten a friendship is not the kind of friend worth having, frankly. You CLEARLY have her best interests in mind. Also, maybe say something to Kenzie, or encourage her to tell Lisa herself? She has the insider view of it all, and might even have more to tell (if he had been hitting on her all night, or something like that).

    Good luck! I’m sorry you’ve been agonizing over this, but that is the mark of a good friend, that you’re trying to do what’s best.

  • Kim

    Stay out of it

  • Pet

    Stay out of it seconded.

  • http://about.me/meetprettyemmy Emmy

    I would leave it alone. Who knows Lisa could be up to the same thing.. lol Its a matter of keeping an eye out but knowing when to say something.

  • Wendy

    I would definitely just leave it alone since she isn’t a close friend. She will eventually find out what a jerk he is on her own.

  • Lauren

    What would you want if Lisa saw Robert grab Kenzie?

    I think Sab might have the best plan.

  • Clara

    From the way you described this, it sounds like it was just a momentary drunken mistake. If Ben had continued to flirt/make advances on Kenzie or other women that night, that would be one thing, but it sounds like he immediately realized he was doing something wrong and stopped. Like, he literally ran away, which is pretty funny. You don’t really have enough evidence to suggest that this is a pattern with him. And my guess is that if this IS a pattern with him, Lisa is probably already aware that her boyfriend gets flirty when he’s drunk.

    So yeah, I would stay out of it. But check in with Lisa. If you still keep in contact with her, give her a call/e-mail in a couple weeks or so just to ask how she’s been doing since the wedding; my guess is that if there’s some larger issue in the relationship, or if she suspects Ben of cheating on her, she’ll want to talk about it with you. And then that might be an appropriate time to bring this up. But if she says everything is great, then I wouldn’t bring it up.

  • Anna

    I agree with Sab and HP. It could be that he is just very flirty when drunk. If it is possible, talk to HIM, if not leave it alone. If they stay together you could be the one out in the cold. Good Luck!

  • http://www.thehungrycinderella.wordpress.com Amy

    Don’t tell her. It was just a little ass grabbing. It may not be something you’re comfortable with, but that doesn’t mean that it means anything. If you really feel the need to get involved, talk to Ben and talk to Kenzie. Women tend to forgive the men in their lives very easily and can overlook a lot of things (if something like this even bothers her in the first place). Talking to Lisa will most likely put her in a defensive place with you on the receiving end.
    I once saw my friend’s boyfriend doing something he had promised her that he wouldn’t. I agonized about telling her (I hesitated because she already knew I didn’t like him and I didn’t want it to seem like I was telling her just to cause trouble) and ended up talking to another friend about it instead. The other friend was the one who told her. In the end, she was upset with the friend who told her and she was upset with me for not telling her. It was a lose/lose situation. All you can do is weigh your options and pick the one that will cause the least amount of damage.

  • http://www.molivinlarge.typepad.com Monique

    I’ve been here, done this. And by “doing this” I mean I did actually tell my friend what I had witnessed her fiancee do SEVERAL times with SEVERAL different girls. We’d been at a party, and another friend and I pulled her aside to tell her what was going on. She flipped out on US, saying that we were jealous single fat girls (direct quote) who didn’t believe in love, etc. etc.. She huddled with other acquaintances, some of whom we knew for a fact had been rather indiscreet with her fiancee, rumors were spread, yada yada yada. She did eventually marry him and they moved out of state. It took us nine years and Facebook to start talking again.

    The second time I found myself in this predicament, I had learned from the first and kept my mouth shut. Within months (and yes, I did feel guilty but….), all kinds of stories surfaced about dalliances the guy had been involved in, and she left him.

    My point is, with Ben and Lisa…. You witnessed an isolated incident where alcohol was indeed present. Is your friendship with Lisa strong enough to survive this? Could you handle her accusing you of lying? Can your friendship with Kenzie survive? Based on what you know, would this incident have occurred had Ben been sober? But here’s something else to consider…. What does Robert think you should do? The reason I ask is because he’s obviously an objective third party. Sometimes talking it out with someone who was there but doesn’t have a stake to claim in any of the outcomes is really the best thing you can do to gain perspective.

    Or blog about it. ;)

  • http://myowncircleofconfusion.com M&Co.

    Honestly? I wouldn’t say or do anything. All three will be mad at you for one reason or another. If Lisa doesn’t know her live-in boyfriend is a scuz, it may very well be that she doesn’t want to know. Ben doesn’t want you rocking the boat. Kenzie may or may not be embaressed about her behavior but probably doesn’t want it highlighted by anyone. If and when it all blows up, you can say, “oh, I’m so sorry.”

  • http://www.alisonleeds.com Alison

    If it were me, I would HAVE TO say something.

    It could be NOTHING, just two friends joking around. It might have meant nothing (I have male friends who used to motorboat my boobs, and it was nothing sexual).

    It could be something, and you’ll at least have given Lisa a heads up.

    I wouldn’t be able to deal with myself if Lisa & Ben got married later on, and then the marriage came crashing down due to Ben’s wandering eye–and all the while you could have at least warned her. You’ll think, “I should have said something…I saw this coming…” and personally, I wouldn’t be able to deal with the guilt.

    Good luck!

  • Maizy

    I’d ask Ben what the hell he was thinking.

  • http://lafemmeroar.wordpress.com/ Lafemmeroar

    Ooh, this is a tough one. Whether you tell or not you end up being the bringer of bad news or not being a friend because you didn’t tell. I’d toss a coin.

  • Florence

    Hmmm…I agree this is a tough one. I do not agree with those who say talk to Ben. He is not YOUR friend right? Wait until the holidays. Often, if you are to say something a window of opportunity will open up and you will know when it is right. Find a way to make it a light and easy conversation. Not (deep sigh…wide eyes) “I have something to tell you.”. I, for one, would like to know if it were me. I believe strong and true friendships take the risk of speaking the truth in love to one another.

  • http://kiki072895.tripod.com/blog BrooklynShoeBabe

    Try not to blame Kenzie especially if she was drunk out of her mind. Did you see what you think you see? Was he helping her stand up straight and took advantage or did he purposefully grab her waist with amorous intentions.

    Women have gut instincts about their guys. Lisa might already know that Ben be a big flirt or a booty pincher. If you tell her, you’re risking losing your friend because people like to shoot the messenger. If she’s a friend you only see once and awhile and you won’t miss her terribly, tell and have a free conscience.

  • http://CurlesOnHeels.blogspot.com Melissa

    I would first talk to Kenzie about it. Let her tell her side of the story. Maybe you can tell it Lisa together. It’s 2 against one then. If you don’t tell her and Lisa finds out you have seen it, and kept your mouth shut about it, she might be mad you didn’t tell her. I know I would. If she is truely your friend she won’t be mad at you or Kenzie.

  • Nev

    I’d tell. I would want to know if I were her.

  • Rachael

    While you saw what happened from a distance, they were both drunk and you don’t know the context of what happened, what was said and probably neither do they.

    I’d stay out.

  • Amanda

    Just found your blog today and wanted to let you know how much I love it! Just stayed up way later than I should reading through a ton of your old posts (got through all of 2008, most of 2009 and part of 2010, lol). I think I will become a long time reader. Your posts are so funny and real (and I relate being a bigger girl!)

  • jmm

    Definitely no.. nothing really happened, and the messenger is always shot..

    If they were passionately kissing or your found them in bed, a totally different story.. a simple hand slip on the ass isn’t worth the headache.

  • http://nikkeedee2001.wordpress.com nicole d.

    I dealt with a similar situation in the last year. I did not say anything and things went very wonky. I lost one friend and now feel VERY uncomfortable with 2 others because of it. I did not say anything because I couldn’t figure out what to say. That said, I don’t have any advice because both possibilities SUCK! In retrospect I really should have said something.

  • http://www.twitter.com/jazz_kat Jazzy

    I didn’t read all the comments, but I did read the one that suggested maybe he was just drunk and it was an isolated incident. I had to side eye that…the fact that he ran away when BUSTED suggests he KNEW he was wrong. The fact that he wouldn’t meet your eyes at the bar…second sign he KNEW he F’d up!

    With all that in mind…I still wouldn’t tell the friend. HE WILL LIE…she WILL believe him…and you will be the bad guy. I’d tell myself I didn’t see what I know I did and keep it moving.

    PS: my first time here btw ;)

  • http://www.facebook.com/kitsunesakakino Jess

    Honestly, I’ve been Lisa in the situation, don’t tell her. If this is a normal thing for him she’ll find out eventually but at least she’ll still have her friendship with you. My friends didn’t like the guy I was with and it honestly seemed like they were taking things out of context to make him a bad guy. I still don’t think he’s a bad guy, just a stupid one, but I lost two huge friendships over it.

  • Elle

    I didn’t read all the comments either, so forgive me if anyone else already mentioned this point. But isn’t this the same as you making out with the club owner? If Robert didn’t need to know, because technically nothing happened, then I don’t see why your friend would need to know.

  • Rosie

    Leave it alone. It was an isolated indiscretion. All of us, at one time or another, have said or done something we regret. Some are on the big scale, some are small scale, but we have ALL done it. If he’s really a bad man, either Lisa knows and accepts, or will find out. Either way, she’s an adult, and can make her own decisions about her life, wrong or right. It’s her life and her relationship.