How To Deal With Rejection

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It was the middle of summer 2010 and I was having a Pretty Day, one of those days where I just felt… pretty. I’d just had my hair done. I took a little extra time on my makeup before I met up with friends for brunch. I had on a bright yellow sundress and guys on the street were smiling and nodding at me as I walked by. My friends even mentioned that I was looking slimmer and after brunch, I ran to the bookstore and a guy in the non-fiction section asked for my number. I felt unstoppable!

On my way home, I got a text message from J.R., a guy I had been talking to online. J.R.’s profile said he was new to online dating, his photos weren’t very flattering, and he was constantly asking me for “more pics” which I can’t stand. To top it off, we had dinner plans the week before and he cancelled at the last minute claiming he was in a car accident and needed to go the the police station.

All of those things had my intuition on overdrive saying to leave him alone. The thing that kept me intrigued was that he had just graduated with his PhD. from NYU, I know that nerd/braniac guys sometimes come off better in person, so when he sent a text saying: Would you like to meet for a drink? I went against my instincts and decided to give him a chance. Besides, I was having a Pretty Day and I figured an impromtu date could only make my day better.

Boy, was I wrong.

Walking into the bar, I was immediately disappointed. J.R. was slumped down in a barstool wearing a wrinkled shirt and jeans; overall he looked pretty sloppy. He didn’t move. He didn’t stand up to greet me. He didn’t introduce himself. He didn’t motion for me to sit down. He just stared at me with this pinched expression that give him three chins. So I stared back at him.

“Are you gonna sit?” he said.

“I don’t know, I was waiting for you to be a gentleman and stand up to greet me… and maybe say ‘nice to meet you’?” I replied sarcastically.

“I would, but um… I hurt my hip yesterday,” he said.

Was this guy for real? I wanted to turn on my heel and walk out of the bar, but my manners kept me from leaving. I figured I could sit through one drink with him and then go home. I pulled up a chair next to him. He was on his phone texting with that same triple-chin expression on his face, so I just sat there quietly waiting for him to offer me a drink.

He didn’t.

I’ve been on more first dates than I can count and this was not the way things were supposed to go. I began plotting a polite escape when J.R.’s phone rang. “Excuse me,” he said pointing to the phone as he stepped outside. I quickly dialed my girlfriends number and explained the situation to her. “You need to get out of there ASAP!” she warned.

“Okay okay!” I hissed into the phone, “I feel bad, but when he comes back I’m just going to tell him that I have to leave,” just as I hung up the phone with her I got a text from him.

Now I see why you wouldn’t send me more pics, ur not cute at all and you’re huge! BYE!

I stared at my phone in shock. I could feel the heat rising to my face… I was angry. Not angry because of what he said but angry because I had spent 15 minutes trying to figure out how to let this guy down easy and he hadn’t given the same consideration to me.

And to top it all off, he’d ruined my Pretty Day!

His hurtful words echoed in my head as I sat at the bar alone. After a full day of affirmations from myself, my friends and random guys in bookstores; it was all stripped from me in a single text message. I pulled my bag off the back of the barstool and walked out of the bar.

As I made my way back to the train station, I began to think about rejection. As Plus Size Princesses, we walk around with this constant fear of rejection because of our weight. But rejection is a part of life. The fact is that everything isn’t for everybody and even though I went through an entire day feeling like I was the Prettiest Princess in all of NYC, there was a man who wasn’t feeling me, and that’s okay.

Was J.R. a jerk about it? Sure, but if I had listened to my instincts and left him alone from the beginning I wouldn’t have exposed myself to his awful behavior.

For every guy who approaches me, there are a million who don’t. Rejection happens everyday and if I’m going to keep living my life to the fullest I might as well get used to it and get over it.

I was rejected and I lived to tell the tale.

After deleting J.R.’s number from my phone, I decided to walk home. About five blocks from my apartment a man passed me and said “Good Evening, beautiful”.

I guess my Pretty Day wasn’t over after all….

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  • http://www.nicoleisthenewblack.com nicoleisthenewblack

    The nerve! Again, I understand no one is everyone’s cup of tea but why be so rude about it. Why does he feel that you arent entitled to respect? This is what erks me, as soon as a woman doesnt rank in the “do-able” category. some men thinks its a-okay to be jerks. I know you are fine and that happened a while ago but some people are just classless regardless of education and I am sorry you had to experience that. CLOWNS!

  • http://www.socialitedreams.com vonnie

    don’t even stunt that clown…why you even stayed is beyond me, being polite to someone who was a rude cow to you. why do women do that? constantly? “i didn’t leave because I wanted to be nice, I should have done this but I was being polite” why? Not like he was being so sweet and you just didn’t click, then be nice. Triple Chin McGee wasn’t being nice so did he deserve your sweet girl nicieties? obviously not….that’s exactly why so many stories end up how they do on http://www.myveryworstdate.com sounds like you could submit this one! Girls need to stop with this meek stuff all of the time, in the face of rudeness..YOU weren’t attracted to him, he didn’t stand and be a gentlemen, didn’t introduce himself, didn’t buy you a drink, then texted someone else, then bailed….yet you were being super kind to him like he was a baby kitten.

  • http://ahtnaimas.blogspot.com/ Just Sayin

    Screw him.
    Take pride in knowing you were classy til the end. A man that is worth your time will know he struck diamonds when he meets you.
    Great post! Thanks for sharing.

  • http://zombieloveaffair.blogspot.com Danielle

    This story continues my belief that we as Americans have moved into a completely rude and inconsiderate society. I know the stigma of New York City is an “F-U” type attitude, but I mean come on! People are so mean nowadays!

  • Haytchee

    What a complete loser he is!!!!! No wonder he’s single. And I hope he likes it cos with that attitude and those manners, he’s going to be single for the rest of his sad life!!!! I had a similar experience from online dating where the guy walked into the bar, looked me up and down, said “This isn’t going to happen” and left. It totally ruined my week, not just my day but got over it lol. I was in NYC earlier this month and got a “woah, sexy lady” thrown at me as I walked across Broome Street – I smiled for hours after that! So there are some nice ones left, I just don’t seem to be meeting them online lol.

  • http://womenarefrommars.wordpress.com/ NikkiB

    YAY! for this!

    It is SO amazing to me how we can take all the affirmation ever, have the prettiest day ever, and still have *one bad thing* completely ruin it. Completely! Sure – sometimes that *one bad thing* comes from the person we want more than anyone else to affirm us instead, but still! It’s “the person” in that moment… and just because they aren’t feelin’ you doesn’t mean you should take on their preferences as some indication of your own self-worth… and there will be other people! ;)

  • Piper D.

    Sounds like you ran into a class-A jerk. You should have texted him back and been like,” You’re not all of that, either, sweetie.” Dating is rouch, period but it’s even tougher for plus-size women who live in a thincentric world. I’ve been rejected by guys do to my size (I’m a 24W) but I’ve never heard of a guy doing what that guy did. You should take a pic of him and post it on: dontdatehimgirl.com. I’m sure that you are pretty enough to attract someone whose more deserving of your time. Good luck!

  • http://mediatakeout.com LezBeyonce

    What a jerk! You kept it classy though… Love your blog!

  • http://www.unscriptedmusings.com Monique

    That same sort of rejection could have come from any other guy, other than JR. It just so happened that it was him. You keep holding your head high and having your pretty days. No way can take away your beauty. You can’t help if they cant see it.

  • http://getrealweddins.com/ Laura

    Wow, I would have kept it classy up until he sent that text and bailed. I would have texted him back telling him that hes not so hot himself and he’s horrific from the inside. I’m from NYC myself and I went to school across the street from NYU and I remember that about 90 percent of the students there seemed to be dooshbags anyway. You weren’t his type, that’s fine, but he didn’t have to be such a doosh about it! Apparently education can’t buy you manners.

  • http://ljmaggie.wordpress.com LJ Maggie

    The nerve of that guy to send that text. He is not worth your time or energy for sure.

    I have been there before where a guy has rejected me b/c of being plus size. I have heard “You are cool and fun to talk to but…”. I thought it was just the guys in LA, the land of plastic, but it does happen everywhere.

    I do have a couple of guy friends that tell me I am cute, sexy and beautiful but well would be nice to have b/f that does.

    Just keep your head up b/c it sounds like there are other guys out there who think you are beautiful.

  • http://www.missmelisamae.com Miss Melisa Mae

    OMG! There are so many expletives running through my mind right now but you are a classy lady and I wouldn’t want to corrupt you or your readers with my vulgarity :)

    I’m in complete shock that someone had the audacity to be so damn rude. But seriously, what an asshole (sorry, that one slip). Although, by the description you gave, perhaps he’s one of those losers that makes himself feel better by putting other people down.

    Next time listen to your gut. Lesson learned.

    XOXO

  • http://wastemytime.ca Erica

    What a jerk! You are totally better off. I bet his phone call was all planned prior to as an escape. He did you the favour

  • http://fatchic.net Diana Rajchel

    So here’s the most valuable part of this:
    Drop the guys that continuously ask for “more pics.” Add this to your knowledge of how to filter.

    • TheBigGirlBlog

      @ Diana… Yup, I have an entire post dedicated to the “more pics” phenomenon… Its hyperlinked in this post :-)

  • HP

    What a douche! Seriously I’d rather him tell me he doesn’t find me attractive to my face than pull stuff like that. I’ve done the whole polite thing in situations where I did not find the guy attractive, went through the date as fast as possible, then sent an email that I didn’t think we had chemistry in person.

    What you described is my biggest fear with online dating which is why I am very upfront about how I look, I don’t have cleverly angled pictures and I even straight out ask potential dates if they’re attracted to plus size women.

    Maybe you have better luck with this than me but the whole people looking at you on the street and calling you beautiful or whatever, that happens to me a lot too but I don’t personally find it flattering. Perhaps because it always comes from a) older men, b) ugly men c) a combo of both who I would never want to date in a million years. It makes me feel like an object, I probably wouldn’t mind the whole cute guy coming up to me in a bookstore but I’ve literally had men follow me down the street trying to get my attention even though I am clearly ignoring them. It’s disrespectful and I personally find it happens in my neighborhood more than in others in the city.

    Just wanted to provide a different POV on that whole thing.

  • http://simplysolo.wordpress.com Catherine

    What a friggin’ jerk! I’m so sorry to hear you had to deal with this. I just don’t understand how people can be so downright mean. Just know he has some seriously bad karma coming his way. I hope a bird pooped in his mouth on his walk home… and that’s just for starts!

  • Lolli

    You can drop the pounds, but he can’t drop stupidity.

  • http://fatgirlvsworld.blogspot.com Robby

    I hate to tell you that it doesn’t matter how big or small you are, or what you look like. Guys treat us all like jerks until they find the one they want to be with and then actually put forth effort.

  • http://thefatchance.blogspot.com Chance

    Crazy! Does he think he will EVER land a woman with that type of behavior? Sorry you had to deal with that.

  • http://chocolateprincesschronicles.blogspot.com princessvalecia

    what nerve. I would have at least sent a text back..that read: actually I am quite attractive and unlike you I know how to iron my clothes. I’m not too impressed either. I’m not huge. I’m just built for REAL men. Have a great day.

  • http://twitter.com/girltrueheart Lusty Sagittarian

    One man’s [fill in the blank with whatever adjective fits the situation] girl is another man’s dream come true. Fat, skinny, rich, poor, chatterbox, shy, clear skin, blotchy skin, too much makeup, not enough makeup, wrong color hair, wrong color eyes, too tall, too short, casual dresser, haute couture …. you name it, there’s something someone else is going to prefer! One thing is for sure, JR will always be an asshole, and at the end of the day, you don’t have to have anything to do with assholes! Yay!

  • http://ballerinasandbowties.com Lizzy

    I cannot believe the AUDACITY of this guy! He was so rude! I hate to say it, but no wonder he’s single. I know rejection sucks no matter what, but honestly, you are better off staying away from him! It’s when people are insecure with themselves that they put others down and I’m sure he took one look at you and realized that you were WAY out of his league! It’s easier to reject someone else than be rejected yourself

  • Lauren

    Maybe this guy has come to recognize the face of a completely disgusted woman and tried to save face by cutting his losses early. I bet he’s been bailed out on a whole load of times! Probably not his last time either!

  • lil-b

    Woah, what everyone said … but really really well done for not stooping to his level! :)

    There are good guys and there are bad guys, and JR was a total asshole. Attraction is important and if its not there thats fine, but he should have behaved like a decent human being at least .. just goes to show that he isn’t.

    Sometimes guys are assholes because of their own insecurities and he could see that you were confident so I guess he was just trying to ruin that!

  • http://www.psychandthesinglegirl.com PsychSingleGirl

    Love this post! This aroused so many feelings in me regarding men in NYC and their behavior towards women. Totally unacceptable, however good for you for realizing that the words/actions of some douchebag should not make you feel bad about yourself. His slovenly outward appearance and demeanor is quite revealing to what’s going on on the inside! You handled yourself well :) Class act all the way.
    Bravo!

  • http://www.generationwater.org Cindy A.

    Dear Cece,

    Can I just say that although I don’t know you in person, I already know how beautiful you are! You are considerate to all people, and that is a quality that is rare to find. You are a gem! I’m so glad that you are enjoying the company of someone who deserves you! Thank you for sharing your story. Have a blast in San Diego.

    Hugs from Los Angeles!

    Promise me, O women of Jerusalem, not to awaken love until the time is right.
    -Song of Solomon 8:4

  • http://www.aboutcurves.com/blog KC

    Here’s the thing- you actually got off easy. This guy is clearly not looking for a princess, he’s looking for a cheap hook-up. Otherwise, he would have put forward his “husband” self– nicely-dressed, polite, etc. So, if you had been model-skinny and magazine-beautiful, he would have taken you home, had his way, and then NEVER CALLED BACK. Being your beautiful, curvalicious self saved you, because it revealed what a shallow jerk he was.

  • Lady M.

    I would like to say thank you for posting this experience. I also consider myself a Plus Size Princess and I do go through many rejections. I end up getting hurt because I often choose the wrong guys. I realize they are not right after we meet and they decide if I’m attractive or not. Ugh! I have ended up hurting from these rejections. Thanks to this post, I have realized that it’s not up to no man to decide if I’m beautiful or not. I know I am. It’s their loss and I will continue to fish in this sea of men and will find the right one. Someone who admires my brain and personality. A man who who will not sit there and waste our time trying to figure out what he doesn’t like about me.

  • http://quarterforherthoughts.com IntrigueMe

    Ohh… GRRR!!! I can actually feel the heat in MY cheeks after reading this. People can be SO CRUEL!! Gah!

  • http://dazedreflection.blogspot.com Dazediva

    What a f*king f*kwit !!!
    I totally agree with PrincessValecia’s response.

    Some people lack manners, he most definitely did. You were really nice about the whole thing by even sitting there. I loved your initial sarky comment to him. The idiot probably felt like you slapped him when you said it and decided to be an a-hole about it. He deserved that sarcasm and more.

    Every pretty day has a downer, he just happened to be yours; just don’t let his type be the ‘end’ of your pretty day.

    Arrrrrrrggghh I want to break the barstool on his head !

  • Lauren

    Totally agree with KC!

  • Jess

    KC, I’m what I guess Cece would call a curvy cutie. Definitely not skinny but not quite a PSP, we all need to watch out for the guys who won’t call us back. I’ve definitely had my share, and you’re right it sucks because at least one of them had put his best foot forward as if we were going somewhere

  • Lindsay

    CeCe,

    I admire you so much for posting stories like these on your blog! These are things that so many of us might have gone through but feel embarrassed about admitting to. Love your blog!!

  • http://datingandmatinginamerica.com Kelli

    !!

    That’s all I could think of to reply. His rude — scratch that — what’s the word for someone 5 levels beyond rude? — anyway his rude+ behavior is simply inexcusable. I’m glad the classy and self-confident you rose up from inside to handle it with grace and dignity (and to share with others,) so something good came out of it. But wow… his text message just sucks the breath out of me!

  • http://www.karenrissling.com Karen

    I just stumbled across your blog, and I LOVE IT! I have only been blogging myself for a few months, and spent the last hour reading your entries on dating- Any advice for a new blogger? Keep up the good work. I subscribed!

  • http://rebkas.blogspot.com/ Kas

    I don’t understand how people can be so rude. I have 3 kids and I have been known to say that “They might end up in prison, but they’re gonna have manners, dammit!” and they do! (so far so good on the prison thing too!). In fact, my 15 yr old son has more class in his big toe than that pondscum!

    You are a great person (but I’m sure you already knew that!)!!! You will find your prince that appreciates you for your greatness!

  • http://www.plussizeology.com Trenia

    I’m so happy that you didn’t allow this experience to completely ruin you and I commend you for having the courage to let it go and move on. It’s stories like these that make plus size women want to cocoon and not get out there, but I think you have a very healthy outlook on rejection.

  • http://www.coloredgirlsblogging.com Erika Jewel

    GRRRR!!! I just got mad reading that. The nerve of his sloppy self. It would have been everything I could do not to write him a seeting text back, but that would solve nothing I guess. Ugh…

  • Beverly

    First time here and I just have to say, you dodged a bullet, that is a mentally unstable thing to do to another person! He is a TERRIBLE HUMAN PIECE OF FECAL MATTER! You did nothing to attract this.Keep your head up.

  • http://stellarfashion.blogspot.com/ Jennifer

    What a great post! You handled yourself with class, and that’s saying a lot. If this had been me, I would’ve cried right there in that bar! I’ve been rejected in this way too, and it hurts. But you’re so right: for every guy who rejects us, there’s another one who appreciates us for the Plus Size Princesses we are!

  • Gabbi Block

    Hello, I just happened to be on YFF’s blog and I ended up here in your blog. I am a 21 year old college girl and plus size. Since I didn’t have much luck in high school finding “the man of my dreams”, my mother informed me that the man I am looking for will be in college and we’ll fall in love and get married and I live happily ever after. Well…it’s been about three years now, and I still haven’t found that special guy. I feel that part of the reason why I haven’t found that special someone becuase of my weight. The boys at my school are not as harsh nor blunt like that jerk J.R. but they certainly make it known that I am just a “nice” girl and that I am not their type. After reading your blog though, I felt good, because even though that idiot wasn’t into you and said those ridiculous things in the text, you did not let him ruin your day. I have to learn that everyone gets rejected, whether you’re too big, or too small, or too short, or too tall or too anything. So I want to tell you thank you for creating “How To Deal With Rejection”. This made my day! And I hope that the next guy you meet is a complete gentlemen and treats you like the princess that you are!

  • http://big-girls-bigger-dreams.com Adrienne

    What a douche! Just shows that our initial instincts about men are usually right. Kudos to you for being considerate of his feelings even though he was being a putz from the start. I hope this doesn’t put you off of online dating. I met my husband online! I am a believer!! ;)

    Don’t let anyone poop on your parade…or your pretty day in this case. And especially not a rude bottom dweller like J.R. That was all about him and really had nothing to do with you. Guy clearly had issues. xo

  • Alexa

    I loooove this… this speaks to me in so many levels… I thought I was the one attracting these jerks to me the whole time. turns out it is MY fault, but not for attracting them to me but for “…not following my instincts and exposing myself to their behavior”.
    Thank you!!
    I guess I just want a love story, something real and beautiful so I give chances to guys even when there are a million red flags coming at me from all directions.

  • claudia

    wow what an asshole but I do think she could have been upfront about how she looked.. he oviously didnt know she was a “bigger girl” and while still hurtful & rude it would have been better to get rejected online than meeting the guy and getting humiliated no?