Always The Friend Never The Girlfriend (Curvy Conversations)

Hello CeCe,
I’m a young women who has just become a reader of your blog :) . My predicament is I’m “that girl”. That girl that is a last resort when looking for a girlfriend. Now I love my friends who are gorgeous and beautiful and so sweet! They both seem to be the center of attention and desire from most of the boys my age. But I’m beginning to notice that I maybe their best friend but Im…. different.
I’m “one of the guys” to all the boys around me and though I’m happy they feel comfortable enough to be able to lean on my shoulder, I want something more. I hadn’t realized how much it bothered me until the boy I had been crushing on asked me if I could tell one of my best friends that he loved her. It broke my heart but I told my friend anyway knowing it would be the best thing to do. After she rejected him the next month he asked out my other friend (yeah I know my life sounds completely suck-tastic) and was once again he was denied.
He came to me just weeks later confessing that he would like me to be with him…. I angrily denied him. This made me realize that I may be plus sized but I will not play a last resort to be pushed around because boys think that I can’t get a man due to my size! I know I sound angry and maybe even a little jealous but I just can’t do it any more. This may not be a question but I just wanted to let you know you’ve inspired me to be a P.S.P and I would love to hear from you. The support and wisdom you have given to your readers is much appreciated :)
Your latest reader~ S.
Hi S.,
You seem like you’re a bit younger, so I hope some of the older TBGB readers will chime in on this one, since I’m pretty sure we’ve all been through this.
I remember what it was like to be a plus size teen. It was hard! Especially when all of my friends were thin and got lots of attention from guys at school. I too, remember being the “friend” and how annoying it was. Boys could talk to me on the phone for hours, but they’d want to go out with my skinny friends who could barely hold a conversation, augh! (The good news is that “friends” make the best “girlfriends” in the long run and when you get older, guys start to realize that. Robert and I were friends for a loooong time before we started dating and it was the best way to start our relationship).
My favorite part of your letter is when you said “This made me realize that I may be plus sized but I will not play a last resort to be pushed around because boys think that I can’t get a man due to my size!”
Wow– what an amazing girl you must be! I have to be honest, at your age I probably would have just gone out with him so I could have a boyfriend! It wasn’t until I got much older that I realized I didn’t have to just take what I could get when it came to men.
Basically, I don’t think you need advice from me, but I think you need encouragement. You’re on the right track! You’ve got a good sense of self worth and obviously you have amazing qualities or these guys wouldn’t even be friends with you. Keep your standards because I don’t think you’re asking for much and soon enough you’ll come across a boy who can meet your needs. And when you meet him, I want to hear about it, so keep in touch!
P.S. Any older PSP’s have anything to add about being “the friend”?
  • Kas

    When it happens– it will be a REAL RELATIONSHIP vs empty… Just make cure to keep your standards and DON’T SETTLE.

    It IS worth the wait!!!

  • Kas

    make **SURE** not cure…. need more coffee… ;-)

  • Lolli

    I am “one of the guys” in my group and I recently got married to a guy I was always with. It doesn’t matter how girly or pretty you are. It’s about the connection. I agree with Kas, don’t settle, you are too good for that. Don’t settle for what you live with, settle for what you can’t live without. I believe there is someone out there for everyone. Good Luck!

  • Diane

    Lordy do I know what it feels like to be “one of the guys.” I have very, very few female friends. My last birthday party was 10 guys, 2 girls (one was me.) I had mostly male friends in high school and as a 24 year old, it has stayed that way. I know its a crappy answer…but a lot of guys are dense when they are teenagers. Relationships are often still (subconciously) about status and superficial reasons rather than real reasons. How many times did I hear a guy friend harp on and on about how he wanted to date so-and-so and when I asked “why” he’d say “Well, she’s pretty and I dunno, she seems nice I guess.” Seriously. Once guys wisen up and grow up and realize what makes a good relationship, they start seeing the girls with substance who are fun and they have things in common with as an option. Of course some guys will ALWAYS want whatever warped definition of perfect is in their mind, and thats okay. You don’t want those guys anyway. It gets better. And all of those guy friends I have? I’m just about to celebrate a one year anniversary with one of them. :)

  • B.Good

    Great advice CeCe! The young girl in this letter is on the right track, and as long as she stays secure in herself, she can avoid the disappointment of settling for being the “last resort” girlfriend.

  • Alisha

    I have also been one of the guys. Luckily the guys in at my high school weren’t all close minded. I ended up dating one of my friends for a year back when we were juniors. He always stood up for me and claimed, and I was his girl if anyone tried to say anything about me. He is very good looking so people were always saying something. We ended up breaking up, but were still good friends. The reason I say all that was because I never thought guys like him existed until he asked me out. In middle school I always got the she’s really pretty, but she’s fat, or I was friend zoned since I was a tom boy. I’m really happy you realize at this point in your life that you don’t want to lower your standards. After I dated another guy that it didn’t work out with I lowered my standards. I was stuck in a terrible relationship for 4 years, and the only good thing I got out of it is my 2 year old, and the wake up call that I deserve better. I’ll never lower my standards again. Trust me you will find a guy, and he will be your best friends and boyfriend all rolled into one.

  • Kurvy Kutie

    I had to say something to this particular post because it speaks to the little girl/woman in me. I was the plus size cutie who was cool with all the guys yet never the one to date. However, I married one of those “guys”. I married the football star that used to see me as just the friend that he protected and loved like a little sister. I grew up while he thankfully matured and one of the things he loves about me is that “i am one of the cool chicks” that all his friends like and can go anywhere and speak on any subject. You have the one things that most girls will kill for, the ability to be who you are with the fellas. Hang in there because it will pay off in the end, and dont settle for anything less than what you want!!!! God made us beautiful and unique and God dont make no junk (forgive my bad grammer)

  • nicoleisthenewblack

    Teenage years are difficult for all of us, regardless of size,race,sex or orientation, it’s suppose to be a time of turbulance. That being said, boys are a hard road to navigate but I think back to my times of being a plus size teen or even in my early twenties and I simply didnt have the confidence or command the same amount of attention that my friends who were always the desired ones did. You learn quickly that dudes can put you in a box and its really hard, once you are in a slot, to shift. So if you are a friend whose main purpose is the LOLs and a shoulder to lean on, you will most likely remain that girl. If you like a boy, show him, not in the way you show your bffs but make eye contact, touch his arm when he says something funny, be flirty. Great banter and playing xbox together is not what great romances are usually based on, there are exceptions but these exceptions do not negate the rule. Dont chase after boys, be confident and love yourself and boys will chase you. Good luck

  • Elle

    The story of my life! I’ve had my guy friends choose my friends, not once, not twice, but THREE times. And yes it’s a blow to your self esteem, but time reveals all things(or jerks for that matter). I know what I want, I know what I deserve and I refuse to settle. I find it strange however that all of these guys have come full circle in the realization that maybe I was the better choice. A funny thing happened this weekend, with one of said guy/friend couples. They are engaged to be married, and during a casual conversation when my friend was trying to find the words to describe me, her fiancee filled in the blank with a quiet, somber “…the ideal woman”. I think he said it before he realized it, but it’s just too late now. I will never settle for being second best to someone.

  • antonia

    i’m 30 years old and things have not seemed to change much for me. i find that men have an “idea” of what type of woman they should be with long-term and for some reason the person they have the most in common with and the best physical chemistry with is not the one. there’s one in particular that i never thought to be relationship material…he’s now had a girlfriend for almost 3 years. turns out he wanted a relationship, just not with me. (p.s. he still won’t leave me alone) if he ever comes around, it’s already way too late.

  • Bundle _o_Roses

    I hate to say this,but most men don’t find extremely heavy women attractive.You have to get down to a nice curvy plus size. I was a size 16, but now a 14. It’s hard for a big girl to get love. A beautiful personality, regular exercise, decent eating habits can leave you glowing.

  • Linda

    Good for you! Good for you for knowing that someone who sees you as last resort [or second choice or anything BUT amazing] isn’t worth your time.
    Loving yourself EXACTLY as you are, respecting yourself and not letting ANYONE disrespect you -so proud of you for standing up for youself!
    If someone doesn’t want to date you because you are plus-size SHAME ON THEM. If you feel second-rate because you are plus-size – girly you have some homework to do! Two great reads out there – Lessons From the Fat-O-Sphere and Health At Every Size – might give you a little more insight.
    While Prince Charming may be right around the corner PRINCESS Charming is right there in the mirror looking back at you. Treat her like your best friend and teach your other friends what a great person she really is.

  • Matt

    As a man who has always loved PSP’s, i dont respect it when guys who make a plus size girl their last option, but i do understand their perspective. Its hard as a guy to deal with the pressure to fit in, when it comes to having a girlfriend. Very very very few, guys that like big girls, have friends that also like big girls. I’ve been in this situation a million times. Thankfully i was never afraid, and i always went with my heart. But just to add a male perspective, dont be so rough on the guys. The teenage years are hard for everyone, and though as a young man gets older he will realize that other peoples opinions of who you love mean very little, as a teen, its hard to deal with how people stupidly try to embarrass you, especially other guys. Even a strong minded guy like me has been hurt by insults from other guys making fun of my girl. But, at the end of the day, who you love matters more than what people say. just trying to add some perspective from a guys point of view.

  • Emanuel Campfield

    LOL, I’ve to say the on-line dating or electronic dating has come a long way from the days of basic chat rooms. Much more and more people are turning to on-line dating sites to display likely dates.

  • Curvy, Cute and Christian

    Hi S, Cece, and everyone else out there!

    I definitely feel S’s pain. I was always the “friend” in school. I was in school for a long time and this status really never changed. Honestly, even now I have trouble getting guys, particularly Christian men, who are actually interested in me for reasons other than sex (and/or a curiousity of what it would be like to sleep with a minority woman). It is unfortunately the state of beauty standards in the world that women like us get the short end of the stick, but there is no reason we should settle for being the “last pick.” We have standards, too, and we should maintain them so we find the best possible mate for us. I’ve cut out many men in my life because I refuse to be their “filler girl” or their “friend” after being dumped. NO ONE SHOULD! PSP’s, keep your heads up high and your hearts open for love! That’s what I’m doing and I’ve just started blogging about this issue and many others from my perspective as a young, single, full-figured Christian woman because of my similar experiences (if anyone is interested in hearing about it, just let me know).

  • Jessica Rosen

    Hi S, Cece and the rest the readership!
    I totally understand the pain, and we have all definitely been there.
    However, there are success stories, because at the end of the day it’s all about karma and the the energy you put into the world. I thought for sure I’d be a (not so starving) artist in NYC with a house full of cats at 29. However, at 29, I’ve been married to a wonderful man for almost 3 years, who loves me for me. We know we both have to lose weight and get more healthy, but he wants to do it together. I was a plus sized bride and I looked absolutely beautiful. It was the best day of my life.
    Be confident and mature and ignore the haters. They don’t have the spark that you’ve got!

  • lyndsaydanielle

    I was actually pretty skinny in high school (I weighed more than my size from being muscle laden because of athletics) and decently attractive and I never once got asked out, I was always the friend. Since then I’ve stopped playing sports and gained about 60lbs and am proudly a PSP now and I get hit on and noticed and asked out more times than I can count, it gets better and as you get older and you start dealing with men rather than boys. And my boyfriend of 2 years finds it flattering when other men approach me, because he knows they want what he already has.