If You Can’t Love Yourself How in the Hell Are You Going to Love Somebody Else?!

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Dear Cece,

You are absolutely inspiring to me, sometimes when I read your blogs I feel as if you stole the words directly from my mouth. I feel like I should say that I live in a small southern town and I guess I am very old fashioned in relationships.   I’m terrified of rejection and I’m terrified to make the first move. Maybe it’s a southern thing, but then again maybe it’s just a me thing.  I’m lost in this world when it comes to guys.

In 2008 I had this weird little thing with a gorgeous southern guy. We never dated or went on a date.  We always hung out at his house or my friends house (it wasn’t anything near a relationship). From day one he tried to get me to fool around, but that is not who I am so I didn’t. Now looking back I am insanely glad to say that I never had sex with him.

But in a nutshell I was blindly in love, I recall wishing him a happy birthday on his facebook in December and a couple of days later my comment was deleted, there was no fight or anything different from what it had been. My first thought was “is he embarrassed by me?” my birthday followed in January which was the first time anything physical happened with the two of us. I never asked him about why my comment was deleted, but I felt like a closet friend. I didn’t realize until after this all ended that I was in love and completely heartbroken.

I believe this incident scarred me for life, I feel damaged in a way, I feel like no one will ever love me, call me pretty or want to be with me.  I don’t think I’m ugly but I don’t think that I’m pretty, I’m a size 24 and I’m 5’6″, I have people tell me quite often that I’m cute, or randomly have someone tell me that I’m really pretty but, its always girls.   I pride myself on the fact that I am really nice and down to earth with no drama, I’m in college and I have always spoken like I was educated, I work full time, drive a nice car, and live on my own. I feel like on paper a guy would be attracted to me… but no luck.

I’m lost, I’m 24 and surrounded by friends that are married, engaged, or in serious long relationships with kids.  I want to be married and to have children more than anything but I have not had anything close to a relationship since 2008. Part of me is scared and the other part scared that Ill never find anyone who will look at me as “more than a friend”, that will hold my hand in public, or to just call me to tell me they love me, that will lay next to me in bed and hold me.  I want to find love, But I’m terrified to be heartbroken again I’m terrified that men are repulsed by my weight.  I have standards and I want someone educated that I am attracted to that makes me laugh and who will love and accept me, when I talk about finding a guy My first thoughts are not how they look, but about them, their personality or background, I don’t understand how everything can be about looks and not about the person behind them. I need advice, I need guidance because the “It happens when your not looking” advice from my friends is not working for me because 3 years later I’m still single and sad.. Please Help me I need advice from someone who understands.

Yours Truly,

Tiffany

 

Hi Tiffany,

Have you ever watched an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race? If you haven’t you should… its amazing! Anyway, at the end of every episode, RuPaul says “and remember… If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?!”

That’s a pretty straightforward quote and its exactly how I feel. You have to love yourself first.

When I was in high school, one of my friends was an adorable Plus Size Princess who was obsessed with finding a boyfriend. Her self esteem was low because she felt like no boys liked her. She was incredibly talented, beautiful, a great friend and super smart. But because she didn’t have a boyfriend, she felt worthless.

Finally, during her freshman year in college, she found a guy and started dating him. Her confidence went up and she just seemed to shine. I really thought she was maturing, growing and seeing herself in a new light. Then he broke up with her. When she was single again, her confidence took a tumble right back down to where it used to be.

Why? Because she only loved herself when a boy loved her.

Reading your letter makes me feel like you’re waiting for a boy to come along and love you so that you feel valid. The truth of the matter is that you should already love yourself because you already are valid! Start doing things that make you happy. Take all the love that you’re saving for a boyfriend and pour it into yourself, because you deserve it. I like to love myself in a variety of ways: Manicures, Pedicures, Exercising, Long hot showers with candles, Eating Well, Walking in the sun… the list goes on and on!

I’d be curious to see what the other PSP’s have to say to you, but my final thoughts are this:

All guys want a girl who is confident and confidence comes in all sizes. You say that you’re “good on paper” but it sounds like your weight is bringing your confidence down. If that’s the case, you have two options: learn to accept/love your body or change it.

I personally am doing a mix of both. I have accepted the fact that I will never ever ever be skinny and I love that about me. At the same time I’ve made a commitment to be healthy and active for the rest of my life and that will include some weight loss, but again I will never be skinny.

While I will never be skinny, I will always love myself!

And like Miss. RuPaul says “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you going to love somebody else?!”

***three snaps***

xoxo,

CeCe

P.S. If you want to hear me talk more about Self Love, you can listen to the archives of the radio show I did a few weeks back.

Send your Curvy Conversations questions to CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

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  • http://becca-christensen.blogspot.com Becca

    Along the same lines as the quote you posted, Cece, I’ve heard it said and TRULY believe – ‘you have to be a whole person before you can be half of a relationship’. I agree wholeheartedly with Cece that you, Tiffany, need to take some time to focus on you.

    After being in a few rough relationships myself because I didn’t love myself enough to make guys treat me right, I took some time off to just focus on me. I DID lose almost 70 pounds and go from a 20 to a 10 (which somehow sounds so tiny to me – ha ha). But more than that, I learned to love and respect myself and appreciate who I am…

    Along with that (though this wasn’t my intentions) has come ALOT more interest from guys – and not just interest in messing around, like i got before, but in having me as their girlfriend.

    I hope that you find love for yourself and as a result the right guy gets the chance to love the you that you love.

    B

  • http://womenarefrommars.wordpress.com/ NikkiB

    Amen CeCe!

    Tiffany – there are women (and men!) of all sizes who spend so much of their lives worrying and being sad about finding “the one”. Even though there is a lot about that they can’t control. Even though “the one” is probably a mythical creature. And yet.

    Don’t waste your life on this. LIVE your life. Find happiness and fulfillment in yourself. NOT because doing so will make you more attractive (because then it’s still about finding someone!) but because then YOU will be happy! THAT is all we can do with what we’re given in life.

    PS CeCe is right – if you are upset about something in your world (e.g. your weight) you need to accept it or change it. Now! :D There is great power in taking action!

  • http://Facebook.com/xoxojami Jami

    I frequently read this blog but have never commented. This particular post struck something inside me. That quote seriously embraces words to live by. I was the same way. I always felt I needed a guy to love me for me to be valid. One day I reconnected with a guy friend and fell in love. It was only a one way street. I was devastated. I decided to just live my life and love myself. It was an amazing feeling to be in love with me. A year later that guy and I started dating. We got married in October, and this June will be 3 years together. Now I’m now saying love yourself and a guy will put a ring on it. lol I’m saying love yourself, your confidence will sky rocket. Buy a new outfit, plan a girls trip or even a girls night, pamper yourself always and know you do not need a man to be valid :)

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  • http://daysofturmoil.blogspot.com/ the Constantly Dramatic One

    This makes me sad actually. Because some years ago, I was this girl. But it is true what Cece said: You gotta love yourself first huney.

    That guy was probably an ass anyway. Deleting comments? So highschool. You deserve better. You will find someone better. But only if you can overcome your insecurities first.

    That’s my take anyway.

  • juliette

    There’s another great saying “Fake it until you make it.” Even if you’re not feeling totally confident, pretend you are. Mentally (or actually) make lists of ths things about yourself that you love – if you need items to add, ask your Mom or your friends – although you’ve listed some good ones in the post. Make it a habit of smiling at (or talking to!) one new person a week (or a day!) – not necessarily a fellow you’re interested in but just someone new. Habits often become reality if you do them often enough. And hang in there sweetie – many of us have been through this and come out okay on the other side. I found my 20s difficult but it really does get better as you get older. Bless you.

  • http://ashmacinspain.blogspot.com Ashley

    It wasn’t until a few month ago that I applied this to my life. My whole life I felt like “the fat friend” when I was with all my girls. When I did have guys around me I felt awesome and when they left, I felt like crap. I finally started loving myself and doing things that made me happy, and eventually I learned to love myself.

  • http://www.trinityromance.com/servlet/StoreFront Jennifer

    We own a little romance shop (http://www.trinityromance.com/servlet/StoreFront), and I usually work the front counter. I often have women come in who may feel insecure for whatever their reason may be. Sometimes it’s weight, sometimes it’s something completely different. What it all boils down to is this “sexy comes from inside”. Much like in the response above if you can’t love yourself, it’s really hard to be loved. We are all beautiful people, and don’t let the perceived weight of the world bring you down.

  • SpaceySounds

    Hi Tiffany, I feel for you and that’s coming from someone who’s always had weight problems and always will. One thing that jumped out in your comment is where you said this:

    “I have standards and I want someone educated that I am attracted to that makes me laugh and who will love and accept me”

    In short, you want a man who has options on the dating market and who selects you instead of some other woman. Meanwhile you point out that you yourself don’t have similar options to select and reject men. Really, NikkiB has it right, when she said:

    “if you are upset about something in your world (e.g. your weight) you need to accept it or change it. Now! :D There is great power in taking action!”

    It seems to me like you’re putting in a lot of energy trying to rationalize some way to avoid going on a strict diet and exercise regimen. Not to become skinny, but to become truly active and balanced. Men can tell if a woman is attractive or not, and men with options don’t want to be with a woman who doesn’t. It makes them look bad and hurts their social status. That’s why men will secretly fool around with women that are too heavy otherwise, but are afraid to be seen with them in public.

    Also, Tiffany, I want to say something that the other commenters aren’t saying, and that is that you are right. Men are, in fact, avoiding you because of your weight. That’s it, really, pure and simple. But it’s something you can change! Don’t blame it on genetics or depression.

    The good news is you’re still young. At 24 you can spend the next 2-3 years losing, say, 70-100 pounds, and still be young enough to be fertile and “wife material” to a man with options. You have time. Not a lot of time, but time enough to change your life and still be conventionally attractive. As it is, size 24 is way too big to be attractive to a man that competitive women desire.

    All the best to you, Tiffany. I promise I am not saying anything to be snarky or mean.

  • http://thebiggirlblogcom siera

    heyy cece
    I have never been in a serious relationship where a guy love me or when i love the guy im a big girl and my weight really brings me down, but i no that im a very beautiful women even the im big. ive really never meet a guy that was the boyfriend type and i dont get y, but it seem like no guys r interested in a someone who big an beautiful, i no the i say im beautiful alot but thats the ownly self confiedence that i have about myself,
    i really need ur response to this it would really help me out

  • http://stumbleupon.com Marty

    I have alwasy has low self esteem. I once was healthy and then I started drinking and that lead to overeating during hangovers. When I quit drinking 30 years later (3 yaers ago, now) I lost over 30 pounds. It was just the kickstart I needed. i began to walk, then I joined a gym. I took a health and nutrition class (learned a LOT). I still struggle with the “man” issue but i have faith that if I keep actively doing loving things for myself, eventually I will love myself. And then, who knows?