My Boyfriend Isn’t Attracted To Me Anymore….

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Hi CeCe,

I absolutely love your blog and I check it every day; the reason I’m emailing you is that I’m going through a tough time in my relationship and I very much need advice/opinions on the situation from women that can understand where I’m coming from.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for 5 years and I’m not sure that the relationship is going to work out because of something he said a while back. When he met me, I was a size 14 and at the beginning, everything was great. A few years ago I started gaining weight and got up to a size 20/22, without really any reason; a few doctor’s visits confirmed that I had PCOS. I busted my butt working out and dieting, but the weight wasn’t just melting off. My boyfriend started making comments about my weight and telling me not to eat certain foods and pushing me to go to the gym…something that stung, but I thought he was just being caring. During an argument, I brought up my weight and he said that he didn’t want to marry me if I didn’t lose the weight because he wanted a healthy wife that would be able to drop baby weight and get back to a healthy size without too much work…he said that if I didn’t learn to lose the weight now, when I’m young, then I wouldn’t know how to lose it after kids. This left me feeling really sad and confused, but again, I just thought he was concerned for my health.

A month ago, I almost ended the relationship and he said he had changed his mind, that he would marry me the way I am. Even after he said he would marry me, I didn’t feel so sure that it was true.

Today, I was on his computer and I was bookmarking some pages for my use later. I opened his bookmarks folder to move the pages to mine and I realized that he had bookmarked a link to one of those yahoo question type pages where a guy was saying his girlfriend was obese and that he was losing attraction to her and he didn’t want to lose her, but he wanted her to lose weight and needed help with ways to approach it. Something inside of me kind of broke and I just wanted to cry.

I would love to know what your opinion is on it, what would you do in my place? Am I being too sensitive?

Love,

Confused in California

P.S. If you’d like to post this on the blog, I’d love to hear what TBGB readers have to say.

Dear Confused,

First of all, I’m giving you a big hug through the computer screen! As Plus Size Princesses we put so much pressure on ourselves when it comes to our weight and its even harder when the people we love start to keep tabs on it as well.

Next, I’ll say two things:

1.) I would hope that any decisions you make wont be because you’re scared you wont find someone else. If you feel like you deserve more, don’t stay in your current situation because you don’t think another man will love you. Maintaining a size 14/16 with PCOS is a HUGE deal, you should be proud of yourself. You were sweet enough to add me as a friend on Facebook and I can see that you’re gorgeous, talented and have soooo much going for you.

2.) You should read “My Skinny Boyfriend & Those Three Little Words” a Curvy Convo from last year. Your post reminded me of hers, but the tone of your boyfriends words are very different than the guy in that post. While the guy in the “3 little words” post has a loving tone, your boyfriend seems to have a harsh/abrasive/ultimatum style when it comes to discussing your body and that concerns me.

Overall, I dont think anyone can tell you exactly what to do in your relationship because, we’re not there 100% of the time, but I know a lot of my readers have more experience with long-term relationships, marriage and weight than I do, so I’m going to turn this over to them. They always give me good advice so I feel comfortable putting you in their hands.

So, Lovelies do you mind helping a fellow PSP out? What do YOU think “Confused in California” should do?

-CeCe

CeCe@thebiggirlblog.com

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  • http://sephira.dk/ Sephira

    I want to join cece here and give a hug too.

    I can’t tell you what to do since we don’t know everything about you and him which we shouldn’t either since its private. But… If you want my honest opinion im going to weigh it against myself. If I had a boyfriend who during an argument said that to me I would be really hurt. And yes, during arguments some words tend to come out that wasn’t intended. But just because they weren’t intended doesn’t mean it’s not the truth. So if my boyfriend said that in the heat of the fire I would knowing myself shut down.

    I think it’s great that he apologizes later or well says that your size doesn’t matter. But it shouldn’t have mattered in the first place. Our looks does not make who we are it’s always about what’s inside.

    If I then were to find my my boyfriend using those yahoo ‘help me sites’ I would probably talk to him about it. Sit down and ask him honestly what he felt about my weight. If it was such a big issue for him then he wouldn’t be worth it. It would be unfair to myself if he can’t find me attractive whilst I was a bigger size but had to wait for me to get to a smaller size to find me attractive. He should find me attractive for ME not just my looks.

    I’m not sure that made any sense at all. But I hope it helped in some way and good luck with it all I think you deserve the best!

    xx Seph

  • http://singlegirltoronto.blogspot.com/ Sam

    All I know is, I’d rather be single than with a guy who doesn’t love me exactly the way I am.

  • Jane

    I would say that if I put more than a stone weight, my boyfriend would definitely find me less attractive.
    Only because he met me slim, and that’s how he fancies me. If I changed shape, I wouldn’t be the women he fancied on the first place.
    And I don’t think that makes him a bad person.

    Relationships are not only about personality. There needs to be some sort of attraction between the two to keep the fire burning for a long time.
    I have been with my boyfriend for 11 years. I can still see a light in his eyes when I make an effort, wear a dress or look nice. And that’s because I am aware of how important it is for him to find me attractive. It is important also for our relationship, our intimacy.

    Now it’s true that staying slim after 30 isn’t easy.
    Lots of walking, exercising. A healthy diet with lots of fruits and veg and no soft drinks and no snacks.
    I have to stay healty if I want to stay slim. But it isn’t too difficult because this is how I like myself to be as well.

    If you don’t feel like keeping your weight down, then indeed, you need to think about the impact it can have in your relationship. But you don’t have to be the slim girl he wants you to be. You have to want it first for yourself.

    Good luck..
    Jane

  • D-Marie

    First of all, I normally never comment on these things, but I felt I would share a little about myself in hopes of giving you some more perspective…

    The last relationship I was in lasted for three years. During that time I weighed anywhere between 190 and 240, size 18 to 22. He was a bit smaller, wavering between sizes 34 and 38. I have good days and bad days when it comes to my body, but overall I accept it and was lucky enough to be with a guy who accepted it even more than I did. When I was feeling down about my weight, he would help me focus on the parts of my body that he felt were attractive: my eyes, the curve of my waist to my hip, my feet and hands. Also, we would go bike riding and hiking together as a way to encourage each other to stay fit. Of course, that was the major motivation: health, not weight. Although we are no longer together (I had to move to a different city for a job), I never felt he lost attraction to me despite my weight fluctuations. That being said…

    Ultimately, it sounds like you have been trying to stay healthy with diet and exercise, and if you can manage to climb a flight of stairs without getting winded, then being a size 20/22 isn’t necessarily unhealthy. Have you explained weight gain as a symptom of PCOS to your boyfriend? I think it’s worth talking it over with him and asking him why he truly feels you need to lose weight. I’ve heard of instances where significant others are genuinely concerned about their partner’s health and are afraid of the possibility of losing their partner to a weight-related issue. If he is really mostly concerned about your appearance, then perhaps you can help him to focus on the positive parts of your current body. A relationship is much deeper than just physical attraction, and over a woman’s lifetime, her body is going to change, not just from having babies, but from stress and age and any number of things. If you two are mentally and emotionally compatible, I feel that physical appearance should not be a “deal-breaker”, especially since you are taking care of yourself to maintain your health.

    Regardless, I wish you the best of luck and I hope you are able to work things out for the best! Please let us know what happens. I’m certain you will find a supportive atmosphere here, no matter the outcome. Take care!

  • Kat

    Hi,

    I just had to comment.

    The huge hug from me is there just waiting.

    I’m a UK size 18/20.

    I too have PCOS, I have had it for the last twenty years. Thats a condition that renders losing weight very difficult indeed and has added symptoms all of which rendered me feeling unfeminine and, well pretty bad about myself.

    Weight isn’t always about eating less and moving more. Thats a highly simplistic view that many people have which saddens me, as I know that people look at me and judge me on it. It all adds on to feeling bad about myself as I calculated that it was MY fault.

    Well, um, no. I have a condition. So do you. Your weight isn’t as easy to manage as others. That’s not your fault, it’s NOT your choice, and doesn’t make you any less beautiful.

    I have had a boyfriend who did make it clear he would be more attracted to me if I lost weight….in that instant I looked at him and realised I’d be more attracted to him if he was less superficial. We broke up.
    A few years later I did meet a wonderful person who loves me for me and thinks I’m beautiful..and that makes me feel beautiful. My weight has stablised as basically I’m not worrying or stressing about it. And with the combination of PCOS and an underactive thyroid it’s reasonably good.
    I work hard to feel good about myself, I make sure I’m groomed and look pretty. I might not be everyone’s cup of tea…but you know what?… not everyone finds everyone attractive regardless of weight.

    You have to think of it in the long term. Can you live with wondering if you live up to your b/f’s physical standards? cause thats not going to change. And PCOS might mean you have issues with having kids, it’s by no means impossible but there’s a chance you’ll need treatment. can you depend on him to stand by you during that?

    It’s totally your choice, I don’t want to tell you what to do, Just that I stood where you are right now, and felt albeit briefly the way you did.

    Another hug for going on with!

  • Liz

    Just want to add my virtual hug to the mix. This is such a hard situation and there are no easy answers (it sounds like that’s true for your boyfriend also).

    I do agree that you need to do whatever feels most right and true for you – but that isn’t always easy to figure out when you’re in the middle of it. If your best friend came to you with this scenario, and you knew her and her boyfriend really, really well, what would you tell her to do? I think your boyfriend must truly love you in many ways, and must be struggling himself. I don’t excuse the manner in which he’s handled it, but I can imagine him genuinely wanting to be with you more than without you, but missing the version of you that initially drew him. I think that’s hard, but also human.

    I am nowhere near my ideal weight, I struggle w/ the extra 40 pounds, I work out, I eat very healthily, I’m in good health, have good cardiovascular health, low cholesterol, etc…. But I am still heavy. It is a struggle for me and I am always, always my own worst critic. My husband of 1 year/relationship of 3 years is someone who has built in weight judgement – he comes from a naturally skinny family of women who are very harsh and unaccepting of heavier people. He tries to overcome that but it is a fairly fundamental part of how he was raised and taught to view the world. This was a point of discussion for us in our relationship, and a very difficult subject to discuss. But, what I learned was necessary, and what has ended up making a difference in our ability to talk about it, and his overall sensitivity to the subject in general and me in particular, was the importance of me honestly sharing my own internal dialogue with him. It was incredibly hard for me to do, but I told him how I feel about myself, what the worst things are for me, what I think, what I worry about him thinking, what my worst nightmares are etc… And then I really let him see how I live – how much exercise I get, what I eat, how much I eat, what I can do and what is hard for me, etc… And his perception changed. He grew to understand my struggle better, understand that he and I can live/eat/workout etc… the exact same way and my metabolism/body type etc… is simply not going to change. He began to understand how deeply upsetting the weight issue is to me, and realize that it’s damanging on very deep levels. And his attitudes shifted some. And mine did also – I learned that his thinking/opinions etc… aren’t as harsh as my fears of what he’s thinking. I learned that being able to talk about it with him honestly gave him a pretty important insight into who I am, and allowed me to defuse some of the most sensitive stuff just a bit. And after a lot of that (and other work) we got married and we have a wonderful marriage. Is the weight issue gone? No. But we do have a baseline for handling it, he is much more understanding and careful about his language, I can be more open about my struggles, and it has lost some of its power in our relationship.

    That’s a whole lot of words about me, but I guess my point is that it isn’t always as black and white as deciding to leave him, or living quietly in misery. If you and he truly have something strong and solid, maybe you and he can start finding ways to talk about this together and be on the same side.

    Whatever you decide, I wish you all the very best.

  • http://www.knightramblings.blogspot.com Knight

    Everyone seems to be confused on what actual love is. After five years attraction should be more than physical. Don’t you want to be with a mate that is going to love you no matter what might happen? You get older and looks fade. Does that mean it’s okay to be uninterested because they met you when you are young and still had all the perfect qualities that came with youth? What if you develop breast cancer and have to have parts of your body removed? What then? What if he has an accident and loses a leg or gets a disfiguring scar on his face? Perhaps this all says something more about strength of character. Do you deserve someone that will be attracted to you no matter what because they love you? I think I do.

  • http://twitter.com/girltrueheart Lusty Sagittarian

    If the circumstances were that they were of different ethnic or race backgrounds, and he was struggling to accept her the way she is, would we hesitate to tell her to drop him for his behavior/thoughts/words? Why is weight discrimination or size bias treated like an acceptable -ism or stigma?

    Yes, some people don’t like to date/marry/live with other people.

    The key to happiness is finding someone who accepts you and loves you exactly as you are now and in the future. If that changes, then they weren’t meant to last. People change. All the time. How many women marry men with full heads of hair and no beer paunch, only for those things to change? If they leave the man for those reasons, they are just as superfical as the man who is no longer attracted to a woman who has gained weight.

    Do some people prefer others who are in tiptop shape? Of course. My point is there are preferences and biases out there for everything. But no one should have to “settle” or “put up with” being treated less than they deserve.

    So, dear PSPs, first ask if you love yourself the way you are. If you do, start projecting that love out to the world. It will come back to you in someone who loves you – all of you. (If you don’t love yourself, well then, chances are others really won’t either, no matter what size you are.)

    Love & Hugs!

  • ShoeJunkie

    I am a size 20 myself and while I do not have PCOS, I am having my own weight loss battle and can only imagine the frustration you are having regarding your weight (regardless of this boyfriend situation). This may sound harsh, but I know that women often coddle one another when it comes to getting advice on the obvious, so I feel like I should say something. I’m not married, but one thing I have learned about men is that they are pretty black & white. If he says he’s not going to be attracted to you the heavier you get–then he’s not. If he’s telling you he wants someone to be able to ‘bounce back’ after a baby, then he does–plain and simple. If he can’t understand that with your condition, additional weight may essentially never come off, then maybe he is not the one for you.

    I know that you’ve been in a relationship for 5 years and that you’re dating him, not me–but in the grand scheme of things there are many other things that are far worse than being overweight. People become physically impaired, blind, develop MS, Cancer, etc. and still manage to maintain relationships/marriages. If your weight would be such a strain on the future of your relationship or possible marriage then perhaps it is best that you both re-evaluate what is most important to you in your partner and if he is not 100% what you want/deserve, then you need to let him go.
    I don’t want to call your boyfriend superficial because he isn’t.He is entitled to want a wife who weighs less (just like there are men who want a wife to weigh more), but it is unfair for you to torture yourself to be his ideal and it is wrong from him to throw sensitive subject matter in your face. No one deserves that.

    I truly hope you find happiness in whatever decision you make.
    -T

  • http://twitter.com/girltrueheart Lusty Sagittarian

    RT @JeffreyPlatts: RT @DanielleLaPorte: Believing in your worth liberates you to create more value. A Declaration of Deserving: http://ht.ly/3bgUU

    The above tweet showed up in my timeline right along with CeCe’s post. I found it fitting: What do you feel you deserve?

  • http://becca-christensen.blogspot.com Becca

    For the recond, I’m a former plus-size that’s recently lost 55 lbs (but I don’t have the challenge of PCOS)…that being said: healthy and weight are not always hand in hand. It sounds to me like you take the steps to be healthy – eating healthy, excercising, etc. I can understand any guy or girls concern that they be with someone who takes care of themself and strives to be healthy because long-term (aka marriage) you want a spouse who isn’t going to be miserable. But what I believe your man is really trying to say (and is hiding behind health) is weight.

    I’ve been on both sides. I was a size 20 (at 5’3) in a family of skinnies. So my weights been talked about and talked about over the years. But here’s a few things i think you should keep in mind – there are PLENTY of guys who like plus sized girls. So if this guy has a huge issue with the way you’re built, he can be replaced with someone who will embrace it and love your body the way it is. So dont’ for a second think otherewise.

    I wouldn’t immediately jump on him for visiting the forum. Maybe he genuinely wants to change the way he’s struggling with it, because he believes you’re an amazing person and this is just a matter of him seeing the big picture. Does that make sense?

    I think you’ll have to muscle through his intentions…but if you think he can’t accept and LOVE you the way you are, I think you deserve better and should settle for nothing less that a guy that adores you.

    Love,
    B

  • http://fatchic.net Diana

    In the acronym made popular by Dan Savage, “DTMFA.”

    Marriage is for better or worse. Your health falls under “better or worse” and that includes attractiveness. If you commit to each other for the rest of your lives, then you’re also committing to staying together as your bodies, appearance, interests and minds change. If the relationship has the depth that it should, you will continue to fancy each other and find new aspects far deeper and more important than physical appearance.

    It’s OK to be shallow when choosing a partner, but when committing to one it is absolutely not OK. You should not have to spend your life making sure your partner fancies you – you’re his partner, not his servant, for heaven’s sake.

  • Neree

    Although I love this blog,I usually do not comment however I just had to: First I’m going to echo everyone else and tell you I am giving you a big hug. Just this weekend my best friend in the world called me crying ironically because of this same issue only difference is when they met and married she was a size zero and now she’s a four(i know I would chop off my left arm to be what he is now saying ,is to big for him to stay married to) -and as a psp that extremely upset me not just because she is one of the nicest prettiest girls I know but because as girls we are already soo hard on our selves now we have to deal with how the people who are suppose to know and love us feel about it . I also don’t believe in telling people what to do in their relationships, but I will tell you what I said to her: remember to love your self ,the way you are trying to love him with an unconditional heart, and that you deserve some one that who loves you the real you no matter what -good luck with your decision:)

  • Confused in California

    Thank you all for the comments, advise, and words of wisdom. The thoughts all varied, but really made me feel less alone and crazy. I appreciate all of you that took the time to comment, and thank you, CeCe, for writing back to me :-). I’ll post an update soon xoxo

  • http://tha-kspot.blogspot.com/ Ms. Kelli

    [Diva Hug] Wow! Men surely have their nerves but if someone doesn’t appreciate your worth then you are MUCH better off without them. Especially if this is someone who you have invested so much time and love into. While it won’t be easy, don’t be afraid to step away from a relationship/or man that makes you feel uncomfortable in the skin you’re in. I wish you the best in love!

  • katty

    I’m 40- which means I’ve had my fair share of experience. When I was dating my boyfried at 19, he once said “If you ever get fat, I’ll leave you”. He then said he was joking. We ended up married. He never left me but became verbally abusive to the point when I was not able to smile any more- it was physically painful, if you can imagine that. By the time I left him, I was just 10 kilos overweight- which seems nothing today (I would benefit from shedding almost 40 kilos now), but I felt big and ugly. I needed therapy to think of myself in kinder terms. The psychologist told me I was unprepared to identify an abuser when I met him, but that I was now able to see the “signs”” and it was true. I remembered him making nasty remarks about how my clothes fit, or about what I was eating, etc. What I hear about this girl’s boyfriend certainly rings that bell. My advice is ” if it’s a relationship which makes you feel bad about yourself, it’s not a healthy one”. A bad relationship can literally destroy you. Whatever you decide, it has to be with your own well-being as top of the list. All the best!

  • http://www.prettyfacenowaist.tumblr.com Mary Contrary

    My husband pushes me to work out & lose weight, and has since before we were married… but I have never felt that he thought less of me due to my size. He loves my curves, and I’m easily a 22/24, carrying a lot of weight in my mid-section. He cares about me living a long life with him, and says so. If you have any inclination that your boyfriend is losing attraction to you due to your weight, you need to sit down and have a very serious discussion with him about what pcos is, how it effects your body, and even how it effects your possibility to have those children he’s concerned of you losing weight after. You absolutely should not have to live your life with someone, feeling less than adequate, due to their hang-ups. It’s scary, but it’s better to figure it all out now, before you’re even further invested. It sounds like your boyfriend loves you, but has no idea what’s going on in your body, or what he actually wants.

  • Jamie

    As much as we would all like to believe that true love has no basis in physical attraction; that it’s what’s on the inside that counts, it’s completely unrealistic that think that all our choices when it comes to love and relationships is based on “inner beauty”. We all do it; whether we are skinny, fat, short, tall, we all discriminate based on personal preferences. It doesn’t make us a bad or unethical person, it just means that we are privy to human nature.

    Irregardless of your weight, could you see yourself in a long term relationship with someone you are not attracted to at all in any respect? Imagine … your frumpy neighbor who has a weird nodule on their chin. Sure, they are personable, sure they have a good job but you’re just not attracted to him; that’s not something you can will yourself into doing.

    I’m a skinny girl and when I first met my boyfriend he had a very athletic build; as a hockey player who runs triathlons every year, he was totally ripped. 3 years later, he’s definitely gone little loose around the belly. It’s definitely noticeable but it doesn’t matter to me because I love him but there’s a threshold. If he gained 60lbs and went up 4 to 6 pant sizes … yeah I would be wondering how I could approach his weight issue. I deserve to be with someone I’m attracted to; as does your boyfriend, and simultaneously as do you.

    If the relationship doesn’t work out; you guys had a good run. You can’t force attraction yet inevitably, if you stay in this relationship both of you will be unhappy so if it’s unrealistic for you to loose the weight and keep it off, you should just loose the guy. I’m a strong believer in that the most important thing in a relationship isn’t trust; it’s happiness.

    Do you want to be forever in a marriage where you wonder if your husband is attracted to you?

  • Lauren

    Marriage is hard enough without issues like this. You deserve to be with someone who can’t wait to marry you. Everyone turns old and ugly eventually, you should wake up every morning with a good man that loves all of you.

    It’s a cliche but it’s true, so I’ll say it again: MARRIAGE IS HARD ENOUGH!!

    (And I’ll join in the group hug.)

  • Ophelie

    I understand that you feel hurt. However, it sounds to me that your boyfriend really does care about you. If he didn’t he wouldn’t be struggling with this issue, he would have ended the relationship already. The previous poster said marriage is hard and I agree but to me that doesn’t mean you have to automatically accept everything about your spouse. You have to work through difficult issues and try to understand each other. Talk to him about it. Maybe with his help and some positive encouragement you will be able to lose weight – not for him but for you and your health.

  • Leah

    I might take some backlash from this, but I don’t see how going from a size 16 to a size 22 is THAT big of a jump. Like, I get that it’s probably a significant weight gain but you didn’t go from a size 6 to a size 22. Honestly, he was attracted to you initially and you were a big girl. Now, you’re still a big girl just maybe a little bit bigger. My boyfriend has known me since high school and I have run from about a size 16 to a size 24/26 and you know, we didn’t even start dating until I was at the heaviest. And he’s not ‘into’ big girls. All his past romantic interests have been way thinner than me. My whole thing is, I’m not tricking anyone. You start dating me, you know I’m fat. That isn’t going to go away if we start dating. I’m fat, and when you signed up to be with me, you knew it and by wanting to date me you essentially told me that that was okay.

    When you agree to date someone, I think you agree to date THEM. That doesn’t mean you get to try and change them. Sure, things may crop up that you didn’t know about them and don’t like (my guy doesn’t change his sheets nearly often enough…Thats GOTTA change) but the stuff you knew about him going in, thats mostly off limits. I knew my guy was a terrible communicator going it. I can try and try to get him to be better but at the end of the day, thats what I signed up for and I can’t really be angry about it. Oh and he’s also 130lbs and like 6ft. He’s very thin. I would never try and get him to beef up. And he’ll never try and get me to slim down. We knew these things about each other going in.

  • Heidi

    I get where he’s coming from. And above all else, I’m sure he wants you to just be healthy and happy and making the effort to be your best. There is no way that someone cannot lose weight if they are exercising, eating less, and watching what goes into your mouth. I am a bigger girl as well. A size 14/16. Highest was a 26. And I personally wouldn’t want to be with a bigger guy. I mean somewhat bigger, but not huge. Because I care about my health and would want someone who does the same. As long as you are making an effort and trying to be a healthy person- I don’t think it matters what size you are. I wish you the best hun. And I hope you guys get it worked out and are happy. :)

  • http://@shortnfluffi ShortNFluffi

    Oh, Confused…. I know exactly where you’re coming from. I was diagnosed with PCOS in 1994 and I know how difficult a time you’re having, both with your condition and with your relationship. The really really really bad news is that in the majority of cases, women with PCOS have a hard time getting pregnant, and more often than not require fertility treatments. And that could play a huge role in your future with any man, let alone your current BF. I was always honest about my PCOS and fertility, and told guys at the start that there was a possibility I couldn’t have children. And I had a lot of great guys back away (some ran, not going to lie), which only proved they weren’t the guy for me.
    Six years after my diagnoses, I met a guy who didn’t have an issue with my fertility. His logical response was that we could adopt. We got married, and I was married at my heaviest weight ever.
    My marriage didn’t last, as I overlooked a huge problem. Yes, this guy was attracted to me just as I was. My fertility wasn’t an issue for him. And he was someone I was attracted to. But even with all of that, he wasn’t the guy for me. We had very little in common, he cheated on me, and was a compulsive liar.
    In other words, I sold MYSELF short because I was so desperate to show the world that a big girl could find love, too. And you shouldn’t sell yourself short no matter who you’re with, or what his reasons are for telling you to lose weight.

  • http://girlslashwoman.wordpress.com G/W

    Aww honey. I feel so terrible. He’s pretty much summed up every PSP’s fear. I’m not going to give you advice, you’ve gotten a lot of good feedback from everyone here. All I want to say is that I’m sorry and that you should do what you ultimately feel is right for you regardless of what he or anyone else thinks.

  • http://pjpunky.blogspot.com/ punky

    I see you’ve gotten great advice on here, as well as I’m a little late responding. But I wanted to send some virtual support to you!

    When I read this I felt myself feeling for both of you in this situation. For you having been diagnosed with PCOS and having to deal with a boyfriend who may not fully understand the impact this has on you and your body.

    And also for your boyfriend who does seem to love you but can’t properly communicate his feelings and mainly his fears. I’ve also been at the point where I’ve turned to “Internet Counselling” and it’s a very helpless place to be in.

    Although I’m sure he wants the best for you perhaps you should find the root of his fear about you gaining weight as well as the root of your fear in losing him.

    In that maybe there lies a solution.

    I hope everything is working out well for you!

  • RJ

    You’re probably wondering why a guy is reading this but I thought i would get a perspective from the girls end. Hug through the computer because it does hurt even if he doesn’t mean it. One thing though, I tell my girl friend right now that i love her for who she is and not just about the outside but what’s on the outside does matter as well. True that as you grow old that looks fade and that you become less appealing, True that not everyone is 10 in the looks department, but i feel that everyone (cause I did it too when I was overweight girls didn’t give me the time of day even though i would get comments about how I was the nicest guy) uses it as an excuse to not push yourself. That’s not giving anyone guys or girls the right to bash there partner on how they look, but if you think about it there are different parts to a relationship. Some are more important than other but still important. You may call us guys primitive for wanting a beautiful mate but guys do realize that that’s only a small part of you and the fact that your boyfriend is trying to get over it shows that he does care about you. You probably see men as sex craving fiends and to tell you the truth at times we can be it’s an ugly truth about the world. Knowing that are you be surprised that he wants his girl to look good for him? Again not justifying him bashing your weight but what else can he do? How can he come to you? You should have that talk with him and understand that men have a second mind called a penis. When choosing a mate we choose the bests in what we want in a partner (this goes for girls as well). The point I’m getting at is that there is more to a relationship than just what’s on the inside (and I know by saying that I just upset a lot of women out there. But i have been on both sides and women also don’t find weight gain attractive. If he grew a beer belly had flabby arms or just the reverse in this situation; physical attraction would probably diminish even just a little bit.) You hate us for looking at exterior but that’s just a harsh truth and it’s not news. Give him some credit for still staying with you because there are ass hole guys out there and from what i read you have a nice guy who wants you for more than physical but he knows that’s he wants his girl to be attractive (not plastic mind you). I know you girls know what I’m talking about. Think about it from his point because it looks like he’s at least trying. Ask yourself would it really hurt yourself to go out get active and make it so when he looks at you he can’t keep his hands off you?

    • niva

      BEST ANSWER! So nice to hear from a man I’ve always been the kind of girl who likes hearing the ugly truth instead of a pretty lie. So motivating, I only have 20 extra lbs to lose so I am for sure hitting the gym tommorow. Most real men are not cold, cruel creatures they just think very different from us:)

  • MG

    I’m a UK size 10 and have had the same issue. He has told me he isn’t sexually attracted to me because I’ve gone up a clothes size – I was previously a UK 8 as a result of my work requiring me to be on my feet walking for 8 hours a day without a break, and because my new job is less physically demanding iv put on approximately 7 or 8 lbs. I don’t know what to do as he is genuinely an extremely loving and affectionate partner, and I did beg him to tell me why our sex life isn’t what it used to be, however this has COMPLETELY shattered my confidence and I can’t look at myself in the mirror without seeing myself through his eyes. Im aware I would be more attractive thinner, and for the past month and a half have been eating far healthier and going to the gym regularily, however when making myself a salad I still have to make him another meal, generally a lot higher in calories, and it’s making things tougher for me. Also he continually suggests eating out, then if I go for the salad option he questions my choice, as if I should have something tastier. I’m so confused – we still aren’t having sex so obviously my weights still an issue, but he is not being supportive or encouraging in any way, I’ve lost 5lbs and he hasn’t mentioned a thing. I don’t even know why I’m posting this or if I’m asking anything in particular, I just don’t know what to do. I love him and he’s so good to me in every other way, but I feel so undesirable it’s breaking my heart. My bmi is right in the middle of the healthy range and I would consider myself fairly attractive, so why is this one tiny thing having such a huge effect on our relationship!?

    • Angel_she_was08

      Its having a big impact on your relationship, because he is victimising you over something so pathetic!!! That is abuse and if you don’t see it, you must be head over heal for him… Omg, sweetie – You need to have a hard think about what you just said to everyone, if you were me and I was you in the same situation… What would you say to me??? If you best-friend or your sister/brother said this to you,, I bet u would automatically say, “your too good for him, he doesn’t deserve you time of day, leave him”….
      Your a slim person, a size 10 is not overweight, it is a number… Your partner is just trying to be a control freak, the problem now is that you have abide his rules, and complete did as u were told, now the other problem is, is now he knows he can emotionally blackmail you into doing what ever he pleases… If u dont leave anytime soon, you are going to be depress, have anxiety problems or much worse… Your self confidence is much more important than body image… Im a size 8, who has been wishing for such a long time to be a 10, I am now a 10 in some clothes and an 8 in others, and from always being 49kg, im now a happy 58kg… Personally my partner can shove it if he thinks im fat!!!

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  • guest

    you deserve so much better then that. if he was really in love with you like he says he is he will love you no matter what. i give you a lot of credit because if this was me… i wouldnt have been able to be as strong as you have been. good luck in all you do. but just remember you deserve the world and so much more.

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