A BBW Admirer vs. A Regular Guy

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Normally, I have profiles on the mainstream online dating sites, but recently I created a profile on a niche “BBW” dating site. It wasn’t long before I was being contacted by different guys. Last night I logged on to check my messages and here’s an unedited excerpt of the what was in my inbox:

What’s up?? You’re whats up my dear?Do you like my profile my dear?Doing some networking for my uncle he’s throwing a buisness/soical boat network on October 15th and helping him sell tickets you know?So how sexy are u in person,like big gurls like you.I’m backl to work next Monday at Radio City we got big shows coming up until our Xmas shows kicks off November 5th till December 30th.So CeCe what’s your spots baby.I rep Harlem at 135th street by 8th av.

So SexyCeCe what are 5 things you seek in a potential mate?I seek wisdom,sexiness,support,spontanious and freakiness in a woman.Is that too much to ask,plus working security at MSg has it’s moments trust me.I enjoy working at Radio City Music Hall for my 8 years,especially meeting my cooworkers over the years.

Ok so when seriously can call you?Might wanna take yiou to a nice lounge and have a few drinks and kick it in Harlem.

*blank stare*

I don’t even know where to begin… aside from being called “my dear” by a man I don’t know, I never thought that “Sexiness” and “freakiness” would be in the top five things a man came up with when he imagined his “potential mate”. I didn’t respond to this dude, but so far he’s a pretty good representation of the guys that are on the BBW/Admirers sites. Reading the messages I received from him and others liked him made me stop and think:

Which would I rather have: A guy who liked me because of my size or a guy who liked me in spite of my size?

When I first started attending the NYC BBW parties, the idea of a man who was drawn to me because of my body seemed like a good one. I was excited to put my “winning personality” on the shelf and let my body draw men in, and it worked. My low cut tops and curve hugging jeans were appreciated in full at these establishments. My tummy, hips, curves and rolls weren’t avoided, they were touched and appreciated.

But instead of feeling celebrated, I felt violated.

At first I thought it was my own insecurities; I told myself that I needed to love my body just like the BBW lovers did. Of course it was fun to feel wanted, to feel sexy, but when the night was over I felt more detached from my body than ever. I began to realize that fat is what I am, but not who I am. Most of these men were in the fetish zone; attracted to my fat and uninterested in who CeCe was. I had spent my whole life wondering what it felt like to have someone want me for my body (like the skinny girls do) and when it finally happened, I hated it.

I wanted my “winning personality” to matter. I wanted to be more than a huge pair of boobs and a soft belly.

On the flip side, when I went out to mainstream events with my (skinny)friends, they were meeting people and I wasn’t. I felt invisible and in those moments I longed to be at a big girl party. At least there, I didn’t feel like I got all dressed up for nothing.

For a while I couldn’t decide what was worse; the wrong kind of attention or no attention at all.

Looking at my dating history this year, I think I have the answer to my question. I completely understand that not all “BBW Admirers” are weirdos. I know that there are amazing/caring/stable/normal men in this world who are exclusively attracted to big girls. But for me, I’m more comfortable with a guy who likes me in spite of my size.

Guys like Kevin and Adrian were great dating experiences that (no matter how they ended) made me feel like a girl. Not a big girl or a skinny girl, just a girl. I know that these guys didn’t usually date Plus Size Princesses, but there was something about me that attracted them. These men treated me like I was something to be desired and made efforts to know who I was. They never made comments about how they “love girls with a little meat on their bones” or “hated skinny bitches” they just dated me, held my hand, kissed me and told me I was beautiful …and that was enough.

Which do you prefer?

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  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12710260504687418610 Kristin

    regular guy. all the way!

    my husband had never seriously dated a bigger girl. he went on dates with a few but was never in a relationship with one. he wasn't against it. he thinks all kind of women are beautiful. i LOVE that about him!!!

    i think a man should be attracted to YOU, not JUST your body. if he loves YOU, he will LOVE your body too! ya know?!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04617294319074603189 doll

    regular guy

    Meanwhile babe, that email is spooky…

  • http://ijusthaveafewissues.blogspot.com Girl in the apple tree

    That email is rather unsettling. It reminded me of a Nigerian email scam for some reason. I agree with Kristin that you should be with someone who wants to be with you for the whole package — personality, appearance, quirks, etc. You may initially be attracted to someone because of how he/she looks, but it is his/her personality that keeps you interested. Dating someone with a fetish for a particular body shape/size/part isn't likely to lead to a long, meaningful relationship.

  • http://jessdowney.com Jessica

    I am so glad you wrote this! I am the exact same way. I joined one of the niche sites (I hate niche sites by the way). And I received messages from one of two kinds of guys. The kind that wanted to date me just because I am a thicker girl or the kind that have no self esteem and think because I am a bigger girl that clearly I will date them. Either way it was annoying. I just want to be treated like a woman and I want a guy to adore me for me. And personally a guy that dates a woman because she is big is just as annoying as a guy who dates a woman just because she has a hot body.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11858532419311526011 The

    Princess,

    That was a wonderful post! Anyone who has ever looked at their body and been dissatisfied should read your entry.

    "When she looked at her body, declared undesirable by the media — would she be willing to lose her mind for their satisfaction?"

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/05921843035124478120 Frankly, Scarlett

    Hey doll! You know – the RIGHT guy is going to like the ENTIRE package. The personality, the curves, the boobs, the mind – everything. And if that were easy to find we'd all be coupled and blissful long long ago. Hang in there! You'll find it. I promise.

  • unfrgtbl

    I can so relate to this! I have profiles on a couple mainstream sites and one BBW site. I get quite a bit of attention at the BBW site, but it's rarely the kind I want or from the kind of guys I want to know better. For years I was convinced that the kind of guys I like would never like me because of my size.

    Over time I've become more confident – I carry myself differently and smile more openly with attractive men. Now men I never would have suspected even knew I existed are suddenly smiling, saying hello, or making small talk. Some days I get shy and close off, but others I'm right there with them. It's kind of two steps forward, one step back, but at least I'm moving ahead. And I finally understand that confident, attractive people are attracted to confident, attractive people!

  • Anonymous

    I love your blog..My husband had never dated a big girl before me. The sword cuts both ways. I assume naturally since he was interested in me that he had dated big girls before but I was wrong. We've been married for 2 years, dated for only a year, before him I joined a few sites, I was never really successful on them, Men for some reason think that big girls have low standards.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01407055692711326201 Krissey

    LMBOOOOOO!!! @ the dude calling you "My Dear" he seems like he maybe from the Islands or something. lol! because most Island Man say that.

    I would def. want a Regular Guy who liked/Love me for me. I like my curves to be felt on too every once in awhile but, not ALL the time and thats all they wanted to do! smh… Oh! CeCe how about I had an "Business Card Episode" smh!! it's true about a man who gives you a business card other than exchanging numbers on paper or atlast cell phone to cell phone geezzz!! lol! smh…I wanted to Thank You again for taking time to E-mail me when I was my "Dark Stages" a while back. In all honesty that talk really help me a bit, I'm starting to come out my shell more and more everyday. :) THANK YOU! #RealTalk

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/11970036143546415031 rubyredslippers

    I'm dating a guy who just ended a relationship with a girl who is 5'2" and 105 lbs. I'm 5'8" and, uh, not 105 lbs. I definitely definitely prefer guys who date the spectrum. The really see the value in individual women and can appreciate them in a way others cannot. I've had experience with "chubby-chasers" and, like you, felt violated and like the object of a fetish.

    I have to say, though, I'd NEVER date someone who liked me "in spite" of my size. I'm not sure if that is really what you meant or if you just meant someone who is attracted to you but not just due to your weight/size/curves. I would never date someone who wasn't attracted to something so fundamental to who I've become and how I live my life.

    By the way, your blog inspired me to get one of my own going. If you're not too busy I'm at songsoftherubaiyat.blogspot.com!

  • http://lifebytesrealstories.wordpress.com/ lifebytesrealstories

    Loved the post. I think a "regular guy" is what we're all looking for. I've dated (briefly) men who liked some "thing" about me, only to end the relationship abruptly when I realized that the "thing" was ALL they liked. There's something so all encompassingly wonderful about having someone in your life who likes/loves "you".

  • http://lifebytesrealstories.wordpress.com/ lifebytesrealstories

    Loved the post. I think a "regular guy" is what we're all looking for. I've dated (briefly) men who liked some "thing" about me, only to end the relationship abruptly when I realized that the "thing" was ALL they liked. There's something so all encompassingly wonderful about having someone in your life who likes/loves "you".

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06216454484228360533 Jeniese

    Great post!!! I would rather have the right guy, and one who loves me for me. I had the same experiences when I dated on an online bbw site… sometimes felt so weird!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14154356254069392823 One Lusty Sagittarian

    The right guy will not care. I'm not blowing smoke up your arse or mine. I am living proof that the right guy will not care. He will love you for you. In his words, "You're more than just one thing, you're everything." We are not reduced to our size unless we do it to ourselves. Same goes for any other discriminatory aspect…height, glasses, hair color, breast size, color of our skin…nobody puts YOU in a corner! ;-)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14101490537328642725 Lauren

    I'm SO happy that you wrote this post. I've been thinking about this a LOT lately. There was this guy…I'll spare you the details, but let's just say we went a long time between seeing each other, and he was definitely a BBW Admirer. And when we finally saw each other again, it was really sweet at first because he DID make me feel like a girl. We had a lot in common, in terms of like movie taste and books- we had a LOT to talk about when it came to books – but then he started rubbing my stomach instead of say, my shoulders or any other part of my body that might like to get some affection…and then the texting started up and he would always say things like "i really love a big girl" or…some more graphic things about big girls..anyway…it made me totally uncomfortable. I've been a PSP my WHOLE LIFE and this made me uncomfortable. Because it's not part of who I am. It may be what I look like, but it's not really on my pro's list, if that makes sense. I wanted to be loved for me. I have some guy friends at work – some are gay, some are straight – and I'm not looking to date any of them, but when I go a long time without seeing them, they come up, every one of them, and they hug me tight. It's difficult because I'm such a big girl, but they get their arms all the way around me and they tell me how gorgeous my hair looks that day, and I feel wonderful. I feel like a girl again. It feels silly to say it, but I wouldn't trade those guys at my job for any BBW Admirer who loved me FOR my lumps. I want to be loved WITH my lumps.

  • http://fatchic.net Diana

    I always prefer the regular guy who just happens to find himself attracted to me over the guy who is, ultimately, a fetishist. I want the guy who mentions the color of my eyes and my love of the cartoon Daria before he even considers the shape of my belly.

    That guy sounded… gross. But I also have a thing where if someone can't be bothered to spell-check, I assume they can't be bothered to open doors for me, call on time or shower. I realize that assumes a lot over what might be merely a klutzy typist, but half of dating to me involves filtering.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08072366709639932651 IntrigueMe

    I definitely prefer a guy who likes me in spite of my size. I refuse to go to BBW bars or log onto their sites because being a BBW does not define me. It's no different than me having to look past a not so pretty face to see a great person inside. We all have our flaws, we need to find guys who will accept and overlook them.

  • http://huh holzeberry

    Loneliness is a prey among the need of the heart. It’s amazing after reading this that I could want to slap and hug myself at the same time! Disgusted that I would leave myself out there on that cold ledge just because some how I won an argument with myself that some sort of creepy attention albeit any attention is what gets me through my “dry” times and lonely nights. That I am so malnourished on wanting affection so bad I go against the grain of who I really am. FRACK!! its what makes those nights I got gussied up worth something and I absolutely hate it. I hate that the attention of someone who im really not interested in made my night a success! and to top it off it becomes the highlight because i want the male gender to be a part of my “stories with the girls” too. This is like a morality war with myself. After reading this its like “hey I know this isn’t really what I want”, but is it worth it to get dressed up knowing that your doing it because you hope you catch someones eye the way you’ve always wanted? or just to ” go out and just have fun with no mission involved” cause it could be worse, I/we could be sitting at home alone or I could be out at a bar or where ever meeting new people and at least “WE” ( bbw, psp’s or whatever ) are not wasting our great personalities with a PCD (personal computer creeper ) but at the end of the night when it all boils down.. we walk out the bar alone to our car with our head held high and our strut in check because we don’t want anyone to know just how freaking lonely and bust tonight really was! Seriously you just brought everything to the forefront if not holding back for fear of downplaying the “crying game shower” we all feel like we need after putting on a facade of having the greatest time EVAR….. but obviously not. I will say this sometimes the creepers are the grenades and i’m not gonna lie after saying all that i’ll use them to get what i need to a point.. If we didn’t we’d have no idea how to be socially interactive if it wasn’t at least with the wrong men. =)

  • Vanessa

    I want a regular guy. Someone once told me ” you’re lucky, you don’t have to worry about a guy just trying to get with you because of your body.” I was very insulted, and the truth is, PSPs have guys trying to get with them strictly because of their bodies too! And it just feels wrong to give in to that, just not to be alone.
    The way I see it, I want a guy who’s open to dating a bigger girl if he’s attracted by one. Even though it never happened to him before, or he never considered to be with a bigger girl, he’s willing to try it !
    And if he ends up really loving the fact that you’re a bigger girl in particular, he’ll like it because it’s specifically you. He won’t throw himself at every PSP in the room.

  • Twelve Inch Finch

    My only question is this: Why is being a “regular guy” exclusive from being a “chubby chaser”? Why can’t someone be both? I think the objectification that big women experience in settings that are designed to highlight them (BBW events and websites, for example) is the same objectification that smaller women feel when going out to any bar or setting usually associated with searching for a mate. At the end of the day a mature man who is comfortable with himself is going to approach you with respect and class regardless of his preference in women. I apologize if this comes off as attacking you in any way, I really enjoy your blog and have read it for quite some time.

  • Flower

    This so hit home for me. I was in a LTR for 7 years with a man that first started dating me when I was TINY. I’ve gained a LOT of weight due to various issues and that, amongst other problems, caused us to break up. When I decided to get back into the dating scene I thought it made sense to go for the BBW niche sites. I signed up with one that LOOKED normal and got a lot of attention and positive feedback right away and was thrilled! Then I began dating a guy I met on there. WOW. It quickly became obvious he didn’t care one bit about who I was as a person. It was all about my body and how much he “loved my fat”. Then he dropped the bomb and told me if I wanted it to last with him I had to GAIN weight, a lot of weight…300 lbs of it! Needless to say I ended that. But it made me look back on all the guys that were contacting me and I realized it was all about how big I was to all of them. None had any interest in getting to know me or talking about anything other than my size, what I liked to eat, did I show off my body in tight clothes, etc. While I agree that not all BBW Admirers are weird it seems a lot of the weird ones seem to flock to those sites. They don’t seem to understand that we’re regular women. Our lives aren’t centered around our bodies and we don’t want our relationships to be centered around it either.

  • Nate

    As I was reading this article and the comments that followed I tried to type myself between a guy who likes girls because of their size or a guy who likes girls in spite of their size. I have been in relationships with women of all sizes, ranging from 115lbs to “none of your F#@%ing business,” with my current falling in the latter, but was physically attracted to all of them. That being said, more often than not I find that it’s the “plus-size” ladies that catch my eye. I put quotes around plus size because none of the words I came up with seemed right, instead I’ll add a disclaimer of sorts. The women I refer to as “plus-size,” I just consider attractive but am forced put in a word that lets anyone reading know that those women were larger than the “ideal woman.” Again with the quotes… Back to the point, however, I can’t put myself in the “in spite of” category as it seems I am drawn to that particular body type but I don’t identify with the “because of” either.

    I think that the word “like” is the issue here. The words “like”, “attracted”, and “love” are all different. I LIKE my girlfriend because she’s a fun, sometimes silly person that I enjoy being around. I am ATTRACTED to my girlfriend because (we’re all adults here so I won’t candy coat this, much) she is gorgeous with large breasts, a back side that won’t quit, and all that looks fantastic in this tiny, blue two piece that she vowed never to wear in public… Never. I LOVE my girlfriend because she is sweet and kind, always there for me no matter what happens or how bad I screw up, and all else aside, because she’s my best friend. All of these facets make the whole of our relationship, and she feels the same, even if I don’t look as good in that little swim suit as she does… and she does. Like and love aside, I can definitively say that I am physically attracted to her body, so maybe what has me worried here is the thought that I may be a member of Team Fetish.

    I guess I see most of the signs. I am attracted to larger women; chest, butt, hips, curves, etc. I find the girls that I’m attracted to very enticing in tight, revealing attire and I do like playing a bit of “David Cop-a-feel” with girls I’m intimate with. However, I don’t think this indicates a fetish, guys who prefer skinny girls are no different. They are attracted to certain women in the same way but by different features. For instance, I’ve heard friends mention that they find visible bone structure (collar bones, ribs, hip bones, etc) attractive. The same guys talked at great length about seeing these slim gals in revealing outfits that were so tight they looked painted on, and these fellows could not wait to get the green light for a game of “guess where my hand is going next.” So, why do I feel the need to justify my attractions to myself and others?

    Until a decade after I started dating I hadn’t given a second thought about why I was attracted to one girl over another (besides “pretty” and “has boobs”). Then something was brought to my attention a number of years back by a female roommate of mine after we had stumbled into strictly physical relationship. She was surprised that I found her body as attractive as I did and went as far as to suggest that I was sleeping with her out of pity or boredom. The ensuing conversation ended with her saying “you like your girls thick… never would have guessed you were a chubby chaser.”

    That concept of being a “chubby chaser” stuck with me for quite a while but similar to the author’s statement, “fat is what I am, but not who I am,” I no longer consider “chubby chaser” as a description of who I am. It’s just the case that I am attracted to “larger girls.” I don’t see them as larger; to me, that is just what an attractive woman looks like. It was only after I gave myself the sub-title “chubby chaser” that any of this concerned me. After I ditched the idea that my physical attraction to certain women was different (to the point that it needed to be named) I felt more at ease, although I still use the term from time to time to avoid a long conversation with some one asking way too many questions about my personal life after seeing me with my girlfriend.

    The bigger issue that I see here is how men are treating women. Lets take the author’s experience:

    “I was excited to put my ‘winning personality’ on the shelf and let my body draw men in, and it worked. My low cut tops and curve hugging jeans were appreciated in full at these establishments. My tummy, hips, curves and rolls weren’t avoided, they were touched and appreciated.

    But instead of feeling celebrated, I felt violated.

    Most of these men were in the fetish zone; attracted to my fat and uninterested in who CeCe was. I had spent my whole life wondering what it felt like to have someone want me for my body (like the skinny girls do) and when it finally happened, I hated it.

    I wanted my “winning personality” to matter. I wanted to be more than a huge pair of boobs and a soft belly.”

    That type of behavior should be offensive to any woman, no matter what her body type is. Those men were acting like juveniles; groping women like they were shopping for a good steak. This is, regrettably, the personality that will be the most predominant at a “BBW Party.” But the same goes for any gathering that showcases females who share a trait found sexually attractive to a group of males. Of that group, the ones more likely to attend are the ones who are more interested in the physical features of a person than the actual person they are talking with. Some may seek out this level of interaction but few, if any, healthy relationships will come from it.

    This doesn’t mean the bigger ladies should start seeking men who will put up with their “bigness,” who will agree to tolerate their size. The bar should never be set that low. You owe it to yourself to at least try to find love in a healthy relationship with some one who is attracted to everything about you, body included.

    P.S. Like is one thing, but when love happens to find you, at it’s very least, it will be regardless of your size, not in spite of.

  • Treasuredbelle

    Nate makes some great points! You can like, love, and be attracted to the same person for different reasons. Skinny girls also have males who only want them for their bodies. I would say date someone that likes you, loves you, and who is attracted to you. We all have our preferences.

    • Nate

      Thanks for the feedback, was worried that the stream of consciousness train wreak I typed didn’t make any sense, let alone any good points. Wasn’t even sure this thread was still active and after looking back on the volumes I wrote, was less sure anyone would read more than half way through my post :)

      • Nate

        train WRECK…

        Proofread, proofread, proofread… *Sigh*

  • Elpinguo2007

    Girl you have to go to a doctor you have just complexes…you don’t have a parefect body a you just want a perfect boy…the mmen apreciate you and you fill violate?You really suck

  • Jen

    have you every try on thicklove,net to find you love?

  • Kreativeblizz1920

    I’m catching up on all u post. I recently had this discussion with my sister. I have been told by so many guys that they “love big girls because we r sexy” and their “fantasy is to be with a big girl”. That’s when I shout off and just nod. I’m not a fantasy, I a women like the next women.

  • Sophie

    Fantastic post! I always thought I’d want to be with a guy who loved me for my extra bits, but now that I’m with a boyfriend who loves me in spite of them, I’ve realised how silly that thinking was. If you’ve ever seen the film “The Truth About Cats And Dogs”, the climatic scene has a great commentary on this: You can meet someone drop-dead-gorgeous and find yourself completely indifferent after getting to know them. And the reverse can happen too. My boyfriend finds me sexy because of who I am. There’s no better place.

  • http://twitter.com/mmmhollywould Holly Would

    It would be perfect if you could find someone you loved both for and in spite of. It seems to me that most men who want a bbw do nto have their best interest at heart.

  • Paolo De Andreis

    Beautiful post, as always! Being a obese gay man I found myself in the exact same situation for a long period of my life, at least since the bigger men fetish in the gay world erupted in Italy, the country I live in. I spent years trying to figure out my solution to all of that, I guess it happened when I found my special one, for whom my personality comes first. CeCe if you dont mind I’ll translate your post and publish it in my size acceptance blog in italian (“Cicciones” on blogspot). I really love your posts, thank you!!

  • hunt

    Hello