Looks like “Curvy Conversations” could be a regular Friday thing… keep your emails coming, I love it!
Here’s today’s question:
I was wondering how you feel about Friends with Benefits? I recently went through a rough breakup and ended up fooling around with a male friend. We agreed we only wanted to remain friends but have continued a physical relationship.
We’ve been doing this for a few months and have been keeping it from our friends (who are mostly mutual). I’m enjoying myself, but I worry that this perpetuates the stereotype of guys only wanting to see big girls in secret rather than publicly. I’m also slightly worried about one-sided feelings developing and the other not reciprocating.
What do you think? Do you think Friends with benefits ever really works?
Friends With Benefits, wow, this is a tough one… but I’m going to give your question my best shot….
I am always leery of “Placeholders”. Placeholders = Guys who make me feel like I have a boyfriend when I really don’t.
When I have a Placeholder taking me to movies, dinners, being my +1 for events etc., he is filling the relationship voids in my life which feels good because… I don’t feel single! On the other hand, it makes it harder for me to open myself up to 100% committed relationships with other people. Placeholders can be anyone; a male best friend, a close gay friend… but when your Placeholder includes a physical relationship, (in my opinion) you’re playing with fire.
The part of your letter that stuck out to me was when you said, “I worry that this perpetuates the stereotype of guys only wanting to see big girls in secret rather than publicly. I’m also slightly worried about one-sided feelings developing and the other not reciprocating.”
As PSP’s we’re often put into the “friend zone” by guys that we actually have (or could have)feelings for. So when a long time friend turns into a friend with benefits, I’m sure its easy to wonder why he’s not asking for more. Yes, he could be respecting your recent breakup. And yes, you’ve told him you don’t want him to be your boyfriend. But I’m sure in the back of your mind you’ve wondered whats going on in his mind….
Honestly, I don’t think that he’s embarrassed to be with you. I would imagine that if you were open to dating him and telling your friends about it that he’d be more than happy to jump on board (having a long time friend express interest in me gives me hope for this type of happy ending)
But until you’re ready to explore a full blown dating situation I would caution you to really think about what an FWB relationship, especially with a close friend, means for you. As PSP’s– scratch that– as women in general, we have to be careful about the situations we put ourselves in. Our physical needs are always there, but the reality is that while men can do the “wham, bam, thank you ma’am” thing quite well… we’re just not wired that way!
When a woman is physical with a man her heart will get involved at some point.
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