If you’ve left a comment recently asking about Kevin, I don’t want you to think I’ve been ignoring you. I see your comments, tweets and facebook messages asking for updates on my holiday romance. I just… I don’t know what to say, but I decided this morning that I’m just going to write where things are, whats going on and why. I can only hope that I don’t ramble too much and that you will understand where I’m coming from.
When I was in California, everything was so simple. It was Christmas and I was home with nothing but time on my hands. For 10 whole days, I could see Kevin whenever I wanted, stay up till 3am with him and his friends and call him without having to calculate the time difference. From the moment I landed in JFK, the reality of the Kevin situation began to set in. Do I have time/resources for a long distance relationship? Is Kevin really what I wanted?
Do I have time for Kevin? I live a full life in the city, packed with friends, dating prospects and personal obligations like volunteering and church. Once the initial excitement of Kevin wore off, I started to feel like I was fitting him into my life instead of creating time for him. Staying up till 2am on a “school night” was not an option after the first 2 months and sometimes I forget to call him back. Not a good sign.
Do I have resources for an LDR? Long distance relationships can be expensive! When things started, Kevin was in the same city as my parents, so I knew it wouldn’t be too difficult to see him throughout the year. But everything changed when Kevin’s job took him out of state. He left California to spend a year in the mid west on a long term assignment. So now, he’s calling me even more but I feel like its out of boredom since he doesn’t really know anyone where he is. I don’t mind dropping hundreds of dollars on a flight home to see my family, Kevin and spend time on the beach. But I can’t see myself spending that money to fly to the middle of nowhere just for Kevin alone. I think that says something… doesn’t it?
Is Kevin what I’m looking for? The more I talk to Kevin, the more I realize that we see the world in completely different ways. I’m not trying to get ahead of myself, but there are some core values that we differ on and I couldn’t see him being the father of my kids. Because I don’t see a long term future for us, I don’t think it would be wise for me to continue considering everything it would take for us to maintain a long distance situation.
My experience with Kevin is one of the most genuine and special things that’s ever happened to me. It changed the way I see myself, what I expect and what I know I can have but sometimes things that are amazing aren’t meant to last forever.