What Do Men Think of Big Women?

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Yesterday I decided to get my hair blown out and straightened (not the smartest decision considering its raining today, but whatever.) The woman who does my hair moved to a unisex hair salon in Harlem, so I made my way over to see her.

It was a Sunday and the place was more or less empty. I was on one end of the salon getting my hair done and on the other end a barber stood by watching another barber cut his clients hair. I didn’t pay much attention to them until I needed to go to the ladies room.

I had to walk between the three men in order to get the the bathroom. As I approached them, I became slightly self conscious because the back of my hair was bone straight, while the front was a curly mess on the top of my head. “Excuse me,” I said as I slipped between the two barbers. “No problem, darling…” one of them said giving me a grin.

When I emerged from the bathroom a few minutes later and had to slip past them again. The men went completely silent and I could feel three sets of eyes on me. Even the guy getting his hair cut, who had his back to me, found a way to check me out in the mirrors reflection. Then one of the men said something that I couldn’t hear and the other two grunted in agreement, “…see you’re my kinda dude,” one of the barbers said. “I was thinking the same damn thing!”

Making my way back to my chair, I wanted so badly to know what was said, since it obviously pertained to me. Were they talking about my unruly hair? Or perhaps something else… Although I couldn’t see who was saying what, I kept my ears peeled as they continued to talk on the other side of the room. As the conversation swelled I heard things like:

“Mmm a big woman, that’s me right there. I really don’t like them skinny. Not super fat either. But Big? That’s sexy”

“I dated a big girl once… she was big but real pretty” I bet her $100 she couldn’t lose 20 pounds in a month. She said she could, but then she ate up all the food in my house!”

“Yeah, its hard for them, cause they’re bodies are fighting against them, they just want to eat…”

“I had a big girl when I was younger… real nice girl. I did her dirty though, I would never want to walk in public with her. I always had her meet me at my house. I always felt bad about that. She’s married now, to one of her longtime friends.”

“…But you know one thing? Those big girls… They give good head and they’re p*ssy is always tight because guys don’t really mess with them too much…”

Although I thought the conversation was over the top and slightly nauseating. I have to admit it was educational. In my mind, being plus size is the least interesting thing about me, but for the rest of the world (and for men in particular) its the thing they’re most interested in. Having a body that carries extra weight means that I carry the burden of stigma, mystique and myth that I can’t escape. Men will draw conclusions about me before I even open my mouth. Men will approach me assuming that I’m over-sexed, under-sexed and everything in between.

Because of this I often feel robbed of the privilege to just be a girl. My guard stays up longer than it should as I try to figure out if men are interested in CeCe, or if they just want to know if this big girl will do the things big girls are known to do: take care of her man, cook well, be freaky in the bedroom… and apparently have a “tight p*ssy” due to lack of desirability/experience.

I almost made this a rant, but I felt like doing that would discount all of the men who walk in public with their plus size princesses and think nothing of it. I’ve dated men like this, men who actually saw “me”, but for a multitude of other reasons, they haven’t been what I needed/was looking for. Of course, getting super skinny would also solve this issue, but I’m pretty sure I will never be a waif which means that as a PSP I may have to sift through more men with this “barber shop” mentality before I find The One. That’s a hard pill to swallow.

I’m not sure how many men read TBGB, but I would love to hear from both girls and guys on this one… Thoughts?

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  • http://www.twitter.com/mikaboo1 Temika

    Wow…I'd just like to say that that was VERY educational. I always wonder what guys are thinking when I'm walking in between them or what have u…and the fact that you actually heard all of that…I don't know what I would of done!

    I really REALLY enjoy reading your blogs! I love to share your stories with my other friends because I know we're all plus size and somewhat dealing with the very same issues as u are.

    Thank you so much for this one! I'll be looking out for your next blog!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09826177885767438626 NikStar

    I've heard all of these comments before!!! It's crazy I tell ya. I dated a guy once who actually liked big girls but was ashamed to admit to it and I actually lost 80lbs in 4 months because of him. =/ Never again!

    • http://www.twitter.com/JasmineSkyHigh JasmineLaBelleza

      Uhm… how did u go about doing that???

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04953897335052997744 ProfessorMichel

    I am so appalled by this convo! But, definitely educational :(

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/16630332880143415967 ShoeJunkie

    "…But you know one thing? Those big girls… They give good head and they're p*ssy is always tight because guys don't really mess with them too much…"

    Honestly? This post almost brought me to tears. Consider yourself lucky you only overheard this convo—I've pretty much had statements like this said directly to my face. I guess that's NY for you(and that's coming from a Brooklynite).

    Anyway, this is all really sad because it's conversations like this that make dating extra hard for full-figured women. I mean, not to cry me a river (or maybe it is), but I'm already 'intimidating' because I'm a giant in heels and working on a graduate degree but now I'm perceived to be a whore/vulnerable/desperate because I'm fat too?

    No wonder I have to look at any man who shows some type of interest with a 5000x lens microscope.

    I often feel like we "PSPs" have to work 5x harder at everything else (shopping, being active…while trying to not sweat 5x as much, and keeping a positive self-image), now we have to work just as hard at dating too.

    I mean, can I live?

    Anyway, thanks for posing the question because as disappointing as it is, it's good to know that other women have had the same experiences/thoughts.

  • http://nessalovesmakeup.com Vanessa

    I seriously love reading your blog because I feel so…understood. I had a big crush on a guy before and he told my best friend that I was pretty and that he'd always wanted to date a "thick" girl. The second part threw me off, making me feel like an experiment or something. I also dated a guy that said he loved me, but would like for me to be smaller so he could show me off to his friends. I'm only a size 12-14 and got so mad, I ended it right there. It is frustrating that plus size princesses are looked at for their size and not who they are when they first meet a guy.
    I'm glad my bf just tells me I'm beautiful and he brags to all of his friends that I'm the prettiest girl he's ever met :-)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10456228024529738574 ~Sarafina~

    Wow. I've heard about comments like this, but never personally heard them. You are a better woman than I – I would have walked over and told them all off. Disgusting.

  • http://www.twitter.com Brad

    You know, this is a hard post to comment on, but I will. I am one of your twitter followers.

    Look, these comments are subjective, and I think to say, "What do men think of Big Women" is kind of a strange question to pose. That was what three men thought of big women, not all men. I think no matter what size, women get objectified.

    Some guys would typify blondes as dumb and girls in short skirts as sluts… but these are subjective views and I am pleased to say, not all men think about women like that. I don't. I actually found this post pretty offensive because what this post does is project a stereotype of men, that people like myself try and avoid. Your post makes me wonder, why on Earth I bother.

    I then I remember my wife – who loves all these blogs, and her love of these blogs and twitter etc. has made me engage and follow them and read them so I can talk with her about them. because I support her – as my wife. I thought like this before I married her too… All of you, in your own ways objectify men (I realise some of you may objectify women), with three sisters, I have heard plenty of conversations doing that, do you ever hold your conversations up to the same scrutiny?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04062744050350668104 Girl of True Heart

    I'm in the very beginning stages of developing a connection with a guy, and I have to tell you I find myself thinking, "Is he just in it to hit it" because I'm big. At the end of the day, we have to remain alert to the signs, and see if the man in question means what he says and says what he means. Those men in the barber shop can lust after a big woman all they want and think those stereotypical thoughts just like another other small-minded mentality thinks; the woman still holds the power to say yes or no.

  • http://lifeforward.onsugar.com Shayna

    That's fascniating… As as a former size 18 (now size 4) I always assumed men just didn't see me when I walked by, so it's interesting to hear that there may be more comments – although, honestly, none of those seemed particularly flattering… interesting blog -

  • Anonymous

    I've been fit my whole life, shapely, but fit. Now due to life circumstances I'm a size 18 (formly an 8).

    Now having been on both sides of the fence, it's socially easier being fit. It is. But I wouldnt change the experience of having put on weight for anything.

    It's open my eyes to people in general and how they preceive you before they know anything about you. This falls true with men in my life. Those I've dated, those I thought I wanted to date, voice their opinion of gurthier women and my mouth drops. Really? Wow. You're an asshole.

    I recently had a guy tell me he liked being with bigger girls sexually cos they wouldnt break when he put his back into it. He also mentioned that bigger girls were willing to do "more" things that others wouldn't. Obviously implying more kink than not.

    In short, I'm a better person, a better judge of character for having this extra weight, cos I otherwise might have had people in my life with negative attitudes.

    The weight is coming off and I'll never be slim, its not my body type. I've always known this about myself and embraced it at young age when girls hadnt yet developed and I was called fat until my early adult years when men realized I wasnt fat but shapely and womanly.

    For some woman with deeper body image issues, the sooner they realize they're never going to look stick thin, they should embrace the curves they have and work them to the best of their advantage!

    I'll leave you with this question from an ongoing observation…

    Why is it the older and heavier "some" women get, they feel they have to show more clevage and dress less age appropriately?

    Jane.

  • mrs.lovettesweeney

    I came onto your blog when I typed in "what do men think of fat women" on google. Interesting take on the topic, haha i would've given them a look of appreciation, as not many men are into PSPs and i do feel ignored quite a lot, so I would take that as a compliment! I don't know about everybody else!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/10781716426461660651 Amanda V

    I've heard it all before too! Its nauseating! My ex loves PSPs and was never afraid to hold my hand/kiss me in public. I sort of knew his close friends but when I met some friends of friends once it was a nightmare. They were all very nice to my face but I went and sat on the arm of the sofa to be near my boy. His best friend was sittin gnext to him and had his cell phone out. I unfortunately saw the screen which was a text from another guy in the room saying "Dude she's gonna break my couch" i smacked my boy and went off to the bathroom. He followed me and i told him what happened and he was livid and basically told his friend he was an A-hole and they didnt speak for a few weeks until the friend emailed me an apology. But still. We left pretty soon after that and when we got home I cried about it. He of course felt awful and told me he didn't think that way, that he loved me, and was not ashamed of me in anyway. But the fact that we have to deal with that is horrible. And frankly I'm hot! I'm 5'10", Blonde, part time model, part time singer, with a perfect hourglass shape (a couple extra hours lol) Men can be pigs sometimes… But i still like them lol

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/15203129841801634622 Courtney

    Wow.. I don't think this is the general attitude of "men." These guys sound like idiots. smdh

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02186635983505704557 PrincessSteph

    i would urge many of us to consider thinking about the types of men that we are attracted to and the judgement that we make of men before we even meet spend time with them. I cannot fault a man for not being attracted to a "fat" woman such as myself (5'10" size 16-18) when i find certain physical flaws unattractive such as very obese men, men who do not look after themselves (hygiene/chlothes) etc. I think that their conversation was disgusting and the comments were wrong and hurtful, but faulting them for not liking "fat" girls is unfair.

    I would garner a lot more attention from men if I was skinny. I know that. I struggle with my weight, both as a medical condition, but also because i am fat. i eat too much, i don't excercise enough. we are all in that boat. thyroid, drugs, whatever is causing me to gain or hold onto weight, i still have control over some of it. If I wanted to attract more, or different men, I would focus more on losing the weight.

    i know that sounds harsh, but we are not in a perfect society, where everyone should be attracted to everyone. FYI, I'm not attracted to super skinny boys. would we be appaulled and angry to read a post by them about how not all girls are into their skeletal frames??? I think we would be angry and outraged.

    Sorry rant over. they should be shot for the conversation though. totally inappropriate.
    Princess Steph

  • http://blog.daddysplace2.com Mike Lowrey

    I'm a NY Brooklyn dude.
    I can honestly say that 80% of my dudes think the same way as the barber shop guys.

    I'm not saying its right but its the way we think. I know many dudes that just go to big girl parties. They try to get other guys to go by saying dude you can fugg a different chick every week, they are crazy desperate.

    PSPs are at a disadvantage, because of the way guys view them.
    But at the same time they are advantaged because PSP have a lil more T&A; then the Kate Winslet thin chicks.

    I feel where Celeste is coming from when she says that she just can't be a regular girl. It is true. You aren't looked upon as normal even though you are.

    Ladies I'm sure you already know that T&A; draws guys in. You will get lots of looks, comments and attention from us wherever you go. But that doesn't even mean we even like you. As the one guy said " I was ashamed to walk with her"…But you know damn well he went over to her house to sex her.

    That mixed with the fact that Sugary Sweet dudes use big women for cover because they feel big women are more in a rush to get in a relationship or married without asking too many questions.

    Ladies, keep your heads up and priorities straight. Don't settle. Be confident and sure. Everything else will work out in time.

    {Mike hops off his soapbox and reaches for his blunt and conjure cognac, ok maybe not a blunt but certainly his cognac}

    • Michalya

      Is there an translate button here?

  • Lanna

    Those men are absolutely disgusting for what they said! I am only a teenager but I’m a size 12 and would consider myself pretty. I have a lot of confidence which is why guys seem to like me. But I don’t get hit on nearly as much as some of my thinner friends. One of my best guy friends told me that he thinks I’m beautiful, but if I lost some weight, he would do what he could not to f*** my brains out. I was so disgusted with that coming from him I didn’t talk to him for a while, and I yelled at him. He’s one of those boys that doesn’t know the difference between right and wrong. But that made me think, and I don’t want to have to change for someone to find me attractive. I agree I could be healthier and thinner but I’m happy with myself, so why isn’t that enough? I am loosing weight gradually. I went from a size 16 to a 12. But I’m not loosing weight for him, or any other guy. I’m doing it for me. I’m extremely athletic and play tons of sports, but I’m also super busy and don’t have much free time to get to the gym. Once I achieve my goal of a size 10 I’ll be completely satisfied with myself. But I’m happy where I am right now an that’s what counts.

  • http://justmewith.com/ Roxanne

    Whoa. Reminds me of a time I overheard white Jewish guys talking about black women, saying that “They must do something. Seriously, they are supposed to be good.” They also said they’d marry one, though, so long as she converted. Funny what some people will say when they think no one is listening. Barber shop talk is like locker room talk. I’d rather not know. But being a woman in a traditionally male gathering place — no matter what you looked like, my bet is that they would have talked. Uncomfortable. Anyway, I refuse to believe that the disrespect for you and women in general displayed by these particular men is representative of all men. I just refuse.

  • Jim

    Ok, to start I am extremely attractive to BBWS. But I’m still a guy, and think like a guy. 1st off we dont care what size clothes you wear or if your purse matches your shoes. We do care if your comfortable with your self and are approachable and nice to be around. We R much more visually stimulated. So dont listen to your GFs they R not men! A hot attractive BBW with a good sense of self beats a fashion dressed size 2 or 4 girl who dresses to send a signal to other women any day. Believe me a hot confident BBW makes a stick chick furious.

  • Michalya

    Im 18 and still in high school. I have never dated or had sex with any person. Im over wight and all the guys in my school only go after the skinny pretty girls. They judge me, all the time and they never ever give me a chance. They never let me be their girl. I want to find someone to love, but I feel like I cant because no matter what I ALWAYS feel like he is going to judge me and not let me be his because of my weight. Because of that I can’t love, it’s fear. Im afraid to love someone because i always feel he would leave me for someone skinny. That’s all guys want are the skinny pretty perfect girl. They dont care about personality just looks. I have never known a man to be diffrerent.

    • http://www.twitter.com/JasmineSkyHigh JasmineLaBelleza

      Use plenty of fish, or and app like tagged. Any kind of free dating app. What the arthor failed to mention is, no matter if u, ugly, fat, skinny, a stuck up bitch. Somebody is gonna love u. Regardless. U just gotta find them.. the thing is, u have to put urself out there, to find someone. Kinda A catch 22. And also. The truth is, no matter where u are or what u look like, if u exuberate confidence., he is gonna want u.

    • FatAngel

      First off, super hugs. You are 18 and yeah, it can get a little hard and confusing.

      Next, there is nothing wrong with being 18 and not being able to date or have sex. To be honest, I am a 28 year old woman who never had sex still (personal choice) and I am fine. Sex will happen to you and when that happens, I’m sure it’s going to be awesome!

      Dating on the other hand, like what the other people have commented here, there are a lot of ways to get one. Just be light about it. You are a fabulous 18 year old. Your beauty is astounding and your youthful energy is absolutely captivating and coveted by many! A lot of people out there would like to have what you have. Remember that. lol.

      Third, it’s all about confidence and the way that you carry yourself. I have met a lot of fabulous plus size women who have a lot of suitors, in a nice healthy relationship and leading fabulous sex lives, so be at peace! It can happen to you too. When people ask them what is their secret, they just simply said that “they just viewed themselves as women.” Therefore, they never thought of their size, but just being a strong and independent woman.

      Hugs. I hope that you find the confidence that you need to push through.

      Cheers!

    • bbwvixen

      Dude, 18 is haaaarrrddd. I’m 23, BTW. You’re still in that awkward turtle phase . Its not all 17 magazine cracked late teens being up to be. However, you’re still young and if I’m right in some small town. College is freaking awesome!!! Party that shit up like its new years, keep your drink on you at all times because roofees are one hell of a drug. You’ll find someone. You will, I know it may not seem like it. When you do it will be amazeballs! Go experience life. Do stuff that you love and your kind of scared of. Make bad decisions with friends (not the kind of shit you would get arrested for, that stays with you for life). The world may seem so small right now, but I promise you it is huuuge! Explore it, girl! Most of all, have fun.

    • http://www.deidradazzling.blogspot.com Deidra Taylor

      Michalya, I too was a big girl in High school. as a freshman I was over 200lbs and wore a size 18!!! back in 89 “big girls” were DISGUSTING, so I too didn’t have a boyfriend nor sex. I was MISERABLE, so I lived thru my skinny cousins!! But as I got older I embraced myself and started dating guys a few yrs older and THAT was my breakthrough!! Im just saying, guys that are more mature make “some” better judgements about dating a big girl! Now a days, curvy girls are IN!!! So theres no reason for you to be alone! BUTTTTT, there are a few things you MUST DO in order to get the attention that you want: 1st, MAKE SURE THAT YOU ARE THE SHARPEST DRESS GIRL IN THE SCHOOL! I don’t care if you shop at the thrift store, be neat, clean and WELL coordinated! Jewelry and accessories is a MUST! 2nd, KEEP YOUR HAIR, FACE, NAILS & FEET WELL GROOMED!!! Guys are attracted to “WHAT LOOKS GOOD” 3rd, SMELL GOOD!!! ALWAYS walk past people and leave your GOOD scent behind! They will think of you or at least remember you for your distinct smell!!! and last but not least, BE APPROACHABLE!!! Sooo many girls walk around with an attitude or frown on their face:thus they seem UNAPPROACHABLE! Walk thru the halls with a smile on your face, pretend to be on your cell and act like you are laughing and chatting up a ball! Also make it known that YOU HAVE ALREADY HAVE A BOYFRIEND!!! Act like he attends another school in another state and yall Skype & facebook all day! Guys are attracted to what another guy wants! I hope this helps sweetie!!! This same advice has helped dozens of my nieces, little cousins and friends girls!!!
      GOOD LUCK PUDDING!!
      DEIDRA
      http://www.deidradazzling.blogspot.com

  • lebigmac

    Women just aren’t supposed to be rail thin. its just not genetically meant to be. women are meant to have some extra weight but Western culture, corporate culture, and mainstream media has taught men (Im M, 23 btw) They NEED stick girls in orde to be auccessful. It’s a toxic mindset, and for girls, that stress is just not even healthy. A BMI that indicates a girl is on the heavy side of “normal weight” is definitely the most attractive for the non brainwashed (and there are plenty out there). The unfortunate truth is that men want that idea of sexy taught by the media, and the social stigma of an average or heavy girl is very real, and a lot of men are embarrassed about the fact that it is their sexual preference, so they hide it. @ Lanna, that kind of comment is actually rather tame compared to what gets thrown around by most men, still doesn’t make it right, let alone considerate to keep it in their pants for a half hour hair cut.

  • lebigmac

    So yes heavier is my preference, and I’m going to like who I like, nothing in the world will change that. It’s hard wired. Other guys, like the French, or the Greek are hard wired for slim women. I ask this, is it possible to accept that someone prefers something you don’t and not denigrate them like some ignoramus, or bigoted Nazi. Thank you. Some people’s world is so small that the smallest change to it threatens their entire way of life. its just sad for those people. I, and a few other guys who have a spine will date/ sleep with whoever we want. Men follow my lead, not the other way around. Bigger girls just persist and a guy with some balls will eventually find you.

  • Rav Matt

    Most of the people thought same like that barber. It is not the good way of thinking. They are also the same in the earth. People who think wrong about plus size women who are wrong in their way. Just try to think globally. Our VLL(Very Large ladies) platform are for large ladies. verylargeladies.com

  • Pingback: Dating: What are Your Standards? | The Big Girl Blog: Plus Size Dating, Fashion, Beauty, Fitness & Lifestyle

  • Proud2bbw

    All I have to say is I LOVVVE bring a big girl!! I found that my skinny girl friends might get more men sleeping them, but i get a lot of men who have loved me, I know it sounds weird but men get to know me before wonting to have sex with me.. It cuts out all the stupid shallow men and leaves me with the men who LOVE ME FOR ME…!! YAY WINK WINK… Think about that and smile and feel good about all that sweet love you have to give to the right man.. xoxo

  • bbwvixen

    I’ve always been plus sized. The smallest I’ve ever been is a 12. This is probably due to ancestry. My great aunts on my father’s father’s side were like 6’2 and stout. They were 100% irish. I have never had problems really with men. I’ve had flings, lovers, relationships, and one night stands. Every single one of these men have been cookie cutter american boys. Tall, home grown, well defined or average, and generally good looking. I’m not saying BHM are bad or anything, I just have a certain type, just as men do. I started dating in High School and lost my virginity when I was 15. These guys never cared that I was PSP because my personality was freakin larger than I was. Men are going to like what they like. Can’t really do much there, y’know? Personality does have a huge factor, though. I feel that dating sites don’t really purvey that well enough. Sure you can write about yourself, but a guy isn’t going to know how awkwardly you eat tacos or how you apologize to furniture when you bump into it. It doesn’t show the look on your face when you’re doing something you love and going to see your favorite band. There’s only so much that a dating website can do. Sure, guys can be dicks, but girls can be real twats, too. Be fierce, be you, and tell the people that say ugly shit about you to go fuck themselves. Remember: Lions don’t care for the opinions of sheep.