Vote “No” on Proposition PSP

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I absolutely love when you guys leave comments on the blog and I definitely take your views, opinions and advice into consideration.

One of the things you all have encouraged me to do is to be more straight forward. Even though I’m dating other people, Robert is definitely still around. As many of you have mentioned I could have saved myself some stress/confusion with him if I had just said what I felt etc.

Two weekends ago, I met an accountant named Thomas. He called me exactly three days later (calculated, much?) and we set up a date to meet up. As we sipped martinis, the conversation shifted to what we were “looking for”. I made sure I didn’t shy away. I explained that I wasn’t trying to get married tomorrow or anything, but that I’d like to “date and see what happens”.

He explained that he too was interested in dating, but because of a new business he was starting he couldn’t “commit to anything too serious”.

One thing I’ve learned is that when a man tells you something, you should listen.
In my opinion, if a guy is talking about keeping it casual on the first date, there’s not much more to say. I politely mentioned that I appreciated when a man was straightforward. I didn’t really expect to see or hear from him, but I felt good about putting everything out there.

About a week later, I was on the treadmill when this email came in on my iPhone:

Its so interesting how even when I think I’m being clear and direct, I’m still misunderstood. I never said I wasn’t looking for anything serious, I just said I wasn’t in a rush. And when I mentioned that I liked the direct approach, I meant that I like when a guy didn’t hesitate to express interest. But somehow that translated into a proposition for sex.

I may need to take a break from dating….

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  • http://tahoeshootingstar.com Tahoe Bill

    I explained that I wasn't trying to get married tomorrow or anything, but that I'd like to "date and see what happens".

    This is a pretty open-ended statement imo. From a guy's perspective, I could make this mean just about anything, including "open to casual". Did you mean something more like "I would like to be married in X months/years and I am considering you as a candidate" or "I only date men who are potential husbands for me"?

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00241612654663325145 Kristin

    Tahoe Bill,

    Though I cannot speak for Celeste… I can give you my opinion… I have used those exact words, when telling a guy what I wanted while we were in the "getting to know each other" process. I'm extremely careful with my semantics, because its been my experience (and those of many friends) that you can very easily scare off a guy by coming across as if you're looking for a walk down the aisle in two seconds.

    Its also very easy to be seen as desperate, when in fact, all you want is an honest statement about where the guy wants this thing to go. I have been in relationships that I allowed to go on WAY too long without a label or even just a clear understanding about what I could expect in the future… all because I didn't want the guy to think I was fishing for a ring.

    Now, I'm able to properly voice my wants, and to be clear about wanting a committed, exclusive relationship IF in fact the guy and I actually hit it off. This is important to me, because if he isn't looking for the same thing, or the same level of seriousness with ME, then we are both wasting our time.

    CeCe, you dodged a bullet. I'm happy Thomas showed his true colors so quickly. I'm not saying he's a bad guy, just that I believe you should listen when people tell you who they are, the first time. That email spoke loud and clear.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14189477210904397516 Pinky

    WOW @ that email! I've never seen someone ask for some booty in such a nice way. That was weird! As Kristin said, you definitely dodged a bullet!

    I agree with what Tahoe Bill said as well, that is an open statement. Guys are slow, they need a more plain approach. If it scares them off… thats good! They aren't what you want anyway! I'm only 20 years old, so marriage isn't what I'm looking for at all, but when speaking with guys, I make it known: I am not just looking for a "good time"… I believe in RELATIONSHIPS and if you don't want that, you can leave. lol. I've gotten rid of a lot of bad apples that way. Women are worried about scaring guys off, but if they want the same things as you, they wouldn't be scared. Anyhoo, thats just my opinion.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/09827625567697800795 Monique

    Emails like those are the reason I'm on a dating hiatus right now. He knew exactly what you meant about being straightforward and honest, but decided to test his luck anyway. Some men do that, even though their mouths say otherwise.

    I can however understand how from a male perspective it could be understood that you are down for whatever but that's not what said.

  • Anonymous

    Ick. There's just nothing attractive about guys just asking for sex outright. Even if it's extremely polite and via email.

    Guys: you don't need to tell us you want sex. WE KNOW.

    Girls: …keep doing what you're doing. ^_^

  • http://therelationshipdiva.com Analytical Diva

    Good post, interesting story! Honestly, I think you said it best that when a guy says he's keeping it casual, there's not much more to say. Maybe because he's pretty much said it all.

    Otherwise. Tahoe makes an interesting point…

    See — this is why dating is a sport. It's a game with a lot of rules. But it's never dull.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/17857524350958781429 Missouri Girl

    Well that e-mail certainly is open and straightforward. Am I the only one who appreicates it for being just that. Yea, it was kinda douchey, but he at least put it out there. He didn't hem and haw around and then show his true colors later. Which let's face it, most of them do.

    However, why is it that when you tell a guy you are not looking for anything serious or that you are wanting to date and see what happens that they automatically assume casual sex is on the table?

  • http://blog.daddysplace2.com Mike Lowrey

    I agree with Pinky and Bill, YOU were NOT as CLEAR as you think you were being.

    Try saying what you mean instead of beating around the bush. Say yes I am looking for a serious relationship!!! And say No I'm not looking for casual dating!

    But did you say that….nooooo.

    The comments have been coming down on dude like he said drop your panties and nothing else.

    This dude asked maybe if the possibility was there since he wasn't serious and you left the door open that you weren't serious.

    Bigger point was that he said that it was cool either way but he just wanted to know what was on your mind.

    Damn…the dude should have just lied to you.
    When a guy is honest..you put him down like he's some perv.

    Dude was 100% honest and up front and didn't try to waste your time.

    But a guy that's creepy and a loof that wanted to waste time like that Plus size Prince gets kudos…come'on…WTF?

    Dodged a bullet??? Y'all act like dude was not trying to be up front from the damn beginning! Like he was hiding the fact he didn't want to be serious. There wasn't a bullet to dodge.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/14993934232617420348 Deidre

    What I recently learned is that girls have used euphemisms in the past that guys have developed a phrasebook to understand them. I told a guy I was super tired on a second date because I'd been up since 5 baking a cake for my friends birthday…and he took that to mean that there wasn't going to be a third date because apparently girls often use "I am really tired" as "I am not that into you"…

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/12733255480143901161 juliette

    This wazs a really interesting dialogue and made me rethink my dating approach (if there is such a thing). I was one of the people that didn't find the email offensive (though comical since it was clear he was trying to be careful but still clear about his desires). I'd rather have it out there.

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/00241612654663325145 Kristin

    I just want to be clear… I didn't find the email offensive… and as I stated before, I'm not saying he was a bad guy…

    what I AM saying, is that he showed his true colors.. as in, he let her know what he was interested in, fairly soon into their interaction. When I said she "dodged a bullet" I meant that she didn't have to waste her time going on dates and spending countless hours (unless she wanted to, of course) with someone who was clearly not interested in what she was looking for.

    I maintain my stance… I think the lesson here, is that we could all (both women and men) stand to be a little more clear when it comes to what we want in a relationship. As soon as a man says he is "too busy with work" "married to his job" "not in a place to commit" any of these things… you can be sure that a relationship is NOT going to be a priority at that moment.

    Great conversation we have going on here… i'm always interested to learn what others think about these situations.. especially since i've been in a few of them myself.

  • Secretia

    He wants intimacy in the middle of the tunnel. That's pretty easy to figure out!

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/08554644356622213284 CurvyGirlChic

    Men will always interpret a moderately open-ended statement to mean whatever it is they want it to mean! It's probably just human nature?

    At least he was open and you know exactly what you'd have been getting into!

    Love your blog! Check out mine if you get a chance! :)

    CurvyGirlChic.blogspot.com

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/03888637069084794227 Becca Christensen

    Oh my. I'm so excited I found your blog. Love it.

    Boys…ha! This entry made me laugh. : ] I will be back.

    Love,
    B

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01504106677453816810 Louisa

    I am speechless!!!

  • Anonymous

    i dunno…maybe i'm naive (ok, i know i am), but asking about middle ground sounds like some fun make-out, hang out action to me. not serious relationship, but not necessarily sex either. and isn't that how relationships can grow?
    Plus, the guy who says on the first date, "I am looking for a serious relationship" is usually either stalker material or lying to get the drawers anyway. the normal guy who says that and means it is rarer than april snow.