I’ve Been “Outed” as Fat!!

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I jumped out of the shower, and danced down the hallway to my bedroom. I had just purchased a new shade of eyeshadow, Beyonce was blaring from my speakers and my curling iron was heating up next to a glass of wine… I was going out!

It had been ages since Dana and I been to any clubs on The Scene. Tonight we were going to DIVAS and I was ready to dance and get my mind off of Jeremy. As I snapped my fingers and hummed along with Beyonce, my phone rang. It was my best friend, Adam.

“Hey, do you have plans tonight?”

My stomach tightened a bit. Adam and I had been friends since forever, I told him everything… everything except that I sometimes went to clubs for big girls and the guys who are attracted to them. I keep this from him because, that’s what closeted fat girl‘s do.

“Tonight? Um… I told my friend I’d go to a party with her,” I said, pleased that I was able to answer that question truthfully.

“Oh, cool… where?” He asked.

“Um, somewhere downtown… I need to look up the address.”

I wasn’t exactly lying to Adam, but I was withholding information, which I hated. I quickly got off the phone with him before he could ask more questions and went back to getting ready. Its funny, when I go out to mainstream clubs, I often feel like I put a whole bunch of effort into looking cute, only to be ignored. While my skinny friends can go out in dirty jeans and an old t-shirt and get approached by guys all night. So when I get dressed to go out on The Scene, it feels like there’s actually a means to an end when I get dolled up.

For this particular evening I kept it simple: Light-wash jeans (tucked into black Ugg boots) a black off the shoulder top, and a purple shoulder bag with a big bow on the front. It was warm but NYC winter standards, so I covered up with my leather motorcycle jacket and a paisley pashmina.


I walked into DIVAS, paid the cover charge (augh!) and got in line to check my coat.

“Celeste?” I heard a male voice say.

I turned around and froze. It was Matthew… Matthew lived with my friend Jason… and Jason is a CLOSE friend of… ADAM… my best friend! I was being outed. All I could think was “damage control”, so I jumped right in:

“Hey!”

“Wow, good to see you!” he said, hugging me.

“Yeah, um– you too,” my voice was a few octaves higher than usual.

“I’ve never seen you here before… do you come here often?”

“Nope, this is my first time…” I lied.

I felt like I was regaining control of the situation, by pretending that I was new to The Scene. Then, as if on cue; Maggie and Jane (regulars at DIVAS with whom I have become friendly) entered the club, when they saw me at coat check, they came at me shrieking simultaneously:

“Oh my GAWD!” “CeCe!” “We’ve missed you!!!” “Where have you been?” “You never called me back!”

I could feel my face getting hot. “I’m sorry, I have to go to the ladies room!” I blurted out. I pushed past them, saw Dana at the bar and motioned for her to follow me into the bathroom.

“What’s wrong?” Dana asked as she rushed in after me.

I explained everything.

“BAHAHAHA!!!” Dana has a habit of laughing in my face about things that stress me out and in this case I couldn’t blame her. The way we approached our weight and our lives as PSP’s was very different. She was forthright about her size and had told most of her friends and family about the BBW parties, while I chose it keep it a secret. It seemed like my silence was catching up to me and she was enjoying every minute of it.

I, on the other hand was freaking out, until I remembered something: The first time I met Matthew, I could have sworn that he was attracted to me by the way he interacted with me. Of course I have a big girl complex where I assume men are never attracted to me, so I pushed the thought aside quickly, but apparently, I was right. I knew I needed to get over being discovered at a big girl club and I had already paid the cover (augh!), so I wasn’t going home. I decided to make the most of the night. I composed myself and went out on the dance floor where I caught a glimpse of Matthew grinding on a hefty woman in a green dress. A short man with nicely toned arms grabbed Dana and they began dancing. I couldn’t let this situation keep me from doing my thing on the dance floor, so I too began to move and spent the night dancing and flirting.

Soon I found myself at the bar, needing a bottle of water but ordering a french martini. A hand, holding a $20 bill slid onto the bar on my left side. I turned around and it was Matthew, “I’ve got it” he said. I thanked him and began to explain my awkward behavior. I was searching for the words to politely beg him not to “out” me to my friends when he leaned in and whispered in my ear.

“Listen, I don’t want to be weird or anything but… I love this club. I love the women here, I think they are so sexy… but its something I do on my own time, do you know what I mean? and now that I’m dating Lisa, I just don’t think my coming here is something she’d be too happy…”

Before he could finish his sentence, the hefty girl in the green dress came up over and wrapped her arms around him. “Hey sexy” he said, giving her a squeeze. I smiled to hide my disbelief. Lisa was a girl I had met a few times and she could not have been more than a size 6. He was in a relationship with Lisa, but spent “his time” hugged up with a woman three times her size.

“So,” he continued. “Can we keep this between us?”

It was then that I realized… I wasn’t the only one scared of being outed.

“Sure, its between us.”

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  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/02732320178841787308 princessvalecia

    wow I can understand why you are a little apprehensive to let people know you go to bbw parties. I mean at one point and time I thought about going and even the thought I kept secret but my boyfriend has never really been into smaller girls and he’s pretty open about that hmmmm couldnt imagine someone thinking I was hot but just couldn’t say it or date me openly because of my jean size hmm go figure I blame the media yeah thats right the media lol who knows I guess everyone really just has to take a moment to breathe and feel good in their own skin

  • Anonymous

    I too have a touch of the dreaded “Big Girl Complex”. It’s funny though I mask it well. I am the only PSP in my circle of friends so I can fully relate to the way you feel when you go out when your skinny friends and they get all the attention from the men when you spent hours getting ready in your best only to be ignored. It’s especially trips me out when my male friends tell me your are beautiful but I never seen any of them with a women my size and if they ever dated a psp I never seen her! I agree with princessvalecia you just have to feel good in your own skin. I would like to send a special shootout to all the respectable men that love us psp’s OPENLY!:)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/06424397776434505922 Ms. LMC

    You were outed!! HAHA!

    I know how you feel; I didn’t start doing the BBW parties until this past summer mainly because I didn’t have any BBW friends. I was never apprehensive about telling people that I go, I mean I want to dance and flirt too and if the guys in the “normal” clubs won’t bite then I’ll go where my size is the standard!

    As for your friend- I’ve met alot of guys like him, who love us undercover while their “public love” is a skinny chick. I don’t understand why a guy can’t be forthcoming and secure in the kind of woman he likes.

  • Anonymous

    excited to read the next segment in the jeremy saga! :-)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/01504106677453816810 Louisa

    Have we lost you? Where’s the final instalment? :)

  • http://www.blogger.com/profile/04062744050350668104 Girl of True Heart

    Wow, a hidden world of men who date skinnys but go to clubs where girls like us are? My world is expanding with every post I read. Unreal.